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Do We Kid Ourselves Sometimes

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Well Folks here I am in sunny California and it is cold and not sunny...tonight my mom wanted me to set up a little fibro optic Christmas tree that I brought with me, and after setting it up...I wanted to be in my own home crying...I also watched a dvd of the memorial today because my mom wanted to see it...and that made me sad...Christmas is coming and even though I went to a "prepare for Christmas" meeting, it did not help the feeling I have today...I'm going to have to make friends here and I don't even feel friendly...I think you all know what I mean...I know, we are suppose to just snuff our feelings and move on...who can??? I have to get busy and do something for these type of days with my mom....Starting another book "Widow to Widow"...There are so many books for the likes of us...Bless you all...Rochel

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Dear Rochel

I am trying to 'kid myself' very deliberately in an effort to survive the next few weeks.

I saw a counsellor this week for the first time since my husband died suddenly in August. In response to my plea, she suggested some strategies that I might use to redirect my thinking when the going gets really tough. One of these has worked for me alreay when I didn't want to 'be on display' with people I didn't know very well.

She said I could take the idea that 'he'll always be with me' one step further and actually imagine him physically present when I needed some extra support. At this particular function, when I felt my resolve weakening,the tears starting and the need to run home building up, I imagined him right there beside me, holding my hand and giving me all the emotional comfort I've enjoyed for so many years. I found it a powerful way to settle myself on two occasions and I actually got through the whole night - a first!

The counsellor did say however, that this was a 'relaxation strategy' only, to be used sparingly, because my feelings of grief WILL demand my attention and WILL need to be acknowledged and experienced.

Of course I have wonderful memories, like everyone here, of Christmas' together - 40 years of them to be exact, all good but some magical. This year my aim is to get through the main functions by relying on his presence, rather than feeling his absence. I'll talk silently to him and laugh with him at the children's antics and admire the presents and share the meal with the family.

That's the plan anyway - and I'm hoping that 'kidding myself' will help. I personally like the idea - it is giving me great comfort and some sense that I might just be able to make it through... with his help. Susie Q

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Hi Rochel.

I hope you are managing in California.I know there is no place like home when you are grieving.

I like to think our loved ones are with us. Just because we can't see them doesn't mean they can't hear us.I am a big believer in prayer.

Take care.

Mary Lou

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I don't know that there is anything I can say because your situation is different in that you are in a new city. However, I know I would find some comfort in being with my mom. And I too, talk to Scott and ask him for help when feeling particularly vulnerable.

Thinking of you!


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