Anyone Else Wanna Smack Andy Williams?

[leeann]

"It's the most wonderful time of the year!"

Yeah.. "Smack!" LOL

Hi everyone....

It's been awhile. And I have thought of you all often. Hoped you were doing ok or whatever passes for ok.

Been busy here... some good things and some serious challenges. I might be a bit worse for the wear... but probably wiser.

I still... terrible as it is for me to admit... miss my folks real badly. Dad went in 3/2002 and Mom 1/2007. Yet I find the tears well up rather easily still of late and that's probably ALL Andy Williams' fault. (Well that's my story & I'm sticking to it!)

So How ARE all of YOU!? And how is it going for you with the holidays?

[bethe]

I just want the holidays to be over quickly - new year's will be very hard because I always talked to my mom at midnight and this time she won't be at the phone. I think about when I was little and she took me out on the porch and we would bang the pots at midnight. It's been 18 days since she passed and I'm just walking around in a fog most of the time. I miss her so much. I have a 3-month old and a 20-month and I can't even get excited for them. I dont' think xmas will ever be the same again.

[leeann]

Bethe.. FWIW.. Fog.. is absolutely normal for right now.

And...You are right. It isn't ever the same again. Everything is new without them here. I'm so sorry it is so very recent for you. I too remember gonig out on the porch every New Years and banging pots too. And yes my folks & I spoke every New Years Eve @ midnight too. It's just hard.

Your kids are very young and I am glad they are. (Don't get me wrong I wish they were old enough to remember your Mom but I am glad they won't be AS aware of your grief. Their youth takes SOME pressure off of you.) I know YOU will notice things are very different this year.. but they sure won't notice or remember how different you feel or behave this Christmas. So try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Just relax as best you can... and whatever tears come.. let them and try hard not to judge them. After all they only mean.. you were loved.. really well.

Each year without them.. IS different. We must create our own new traditions or continue doing the old ones...differently, without them. And one new tradition for you,in a few years, may be telling those two blessed kids what you and their Grandma used to do together at Christmas & New Years.

I get tired of things being different and YES I too "want them back" sometimes still.. very badly.... but to feel that way is normal.

We have to learn to "do" life without them physically here and that is not something one can rush through... Just takes time, patience with ourselves and healing a bit.

For you?? right now??.. just get through.. NO expectations on yourself for this holiday season. It is MUCH too soon for that hon. Just do the best you can and know Mom IS right there inside you... helping.

Course we are here for ya too. XO

[kath]

Leanne,

Thank you for this thread. I hate this song and everytime I hear it, tell everyone within earshot just how much I hate it. There are some other songs out there now that are much easier to listen to. One is even titled, "Sometimes Christmas Makes Me Cry." But my personal favorite, because it invokes absolutely no memory whatsoever is, "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas."

It is good to see you here again. I wish you and yours all the best.

Kath

[leeann]

Hi Kath & Thanks! And wish you & yours the same.

Rough time of year... memories are keeping me going... otherwise I'd still prefer a nice big rock to hang out under til mid January....

((((Hugs))) To anyone who needs one!

[kath]

No big rocks here, but the snow is falling like crazy. I'm secretly hoping (okay, it's probably not a secret any longer) that we do get at least two feet and more and we are stuck home alone! Bob always wanted to escape to a cabin alone for the holidays and I couldn't imagine not being surrounded by family. It just hit me now that maybe it was because he had lost both his parents and was missing them. Everything feels so out of place after a loss, but I never put that together and he never said anything. Guess I thought my stoic German could handle everything. This year, I know how he feels.

I had the pleasure tonight of delivering gifts to the family that my company "adopted". Six kids, no job, losing their home. The parents were out when I showed up and all the kids were sitting in the dark. I met them briefly when they came out to help me. The mom called later, in tears and so happy. She said the kids were screaming with excitement when she walked in. She asked for so little when I first talked to her. The guys (I work with 9 men) went well beyond the basics. I can't tell you how good it was to get that call. There's a lot of heartache out there, not just from loss of a loved one.

Each day everyone of you here, in the pit of your grief, lifts up those that walk beside you just by your understanding and care. You may not be up to having a Merry Christmas this year, so please be safe and come here when you need to and thank you, everyone, for your many blessings to my life. I love you.

Kath

[leeann]

Wow Kath I bet delivering those gifts helped ease your pain a bit. Congrats to you & your co-workers for making Christmas happen for that family. And I am glad that you could speak to the Mom... how wonderful for both of you!

I find the more I focus on others... the better off I am sometimes. Yet....I have to make time for me & my grief too. Because if I don't it WILL have it's way with me!

(And sometimes?? That just ain't pretty... ya know?)

So it is all about finding a balance I guess.

Bob wanting to stay home... I can SO identify with that. And who knows.. maybe it WAS because he was missing his folks. I can sure understand that. I am putting on the "Happy Holidays face" for some of the days. But my heart is heavy.. no denying that. I literally am just "checking the box" with some traditions for the sake of the kids or hub etc. My heart isn't in it. I am just doing the best I can. For seconds here & there ..I try to focus on the reason for the holiday in the first place. That helps. Then I recall a wonderful memory and I'm grateful. Then I cry sometimes... and then I cry some more.. But?? I don't know how else to do this. The "book" on it is something I must write... no one else. As that task falls to all of us.

I spend some time thinking about how my folks handled their grief... and I marvel at their strength. I guess I didn't get that passed on down to me. Cuz "strong" is about the last thing I ever feel.

I feel much more "messy" than strong.

So I will wish you all a "sloppy" Christmas!

We will get through it.

And Saturday... the sun will rise again.... (And I will be able to see more rocks.... lol)

Remember we are not alone.... we have each other, we each know... what this feels like.

[kath]

Dear Leeann,

I hope you slogged through the holidays okay. I am glad they are done, except for seeing Bob's daughter and her husband. (The snowfall kept them away - go figure...the only people I had really wanted to spend time with.) The kids and I baked our Christmas cookies on New Years day and they certainly don't taste the same.

I wish I understood more about the grieving process when Bob was alive. We talked some, but looking back I'm sure there were times that he didn't share because I was doing my own happy dance and he wouldn't want to bring me down. Now I can only wish upon the stars. One good thing that has come out of all this for me is I don't hold back giving people compliments or hugs or anything. If a kind word crosses my heart, I let them know, even to strangers. That has really blessed me right along with them. I guess our goal is to live life without regret. I regret I didn't realize that sooner!

I am happy to see you posting again. You are probably really young but carry the wisdom of the ages! Have a good day.

Kath

[leeann]

I appreciate the compliment.. but young>>> I am not. Bearing down on half a century old.... lol

"Slogged" is an apt term. Yes I did get thru and hope you did too.

Last social obligation was yesterday.. so 'el fin' for another year. Sorry the snow kept Bob's daughter & her hub from you! Perhaps set up another time to visit??? Maybe like Super Bowl weekend or President's Day weekend???

Love the "New Year's" cookies... lol and I don't doubt that they tasted not the same. If we hadn't had that one snowstorm.. I wouldn't have baked any. That kept us housebound and so.. daughter helped me bake. Had a few "it's not the same without Grandpa & Grandma"'s this year from both kids at different times. Yup.. not at all the same.. but we have no choice but to "slog" on... do we? It's called 'just get through it whatever way you can'. And yeah.. it's gonna hurt.. somewhat.. that's inevitable. But we manage somehow.

As for not wasting any time or compassion and living without regrets.. that an awesome goal. And bless you for doing that.

I'm stil foundering around here... weakly it seems like.

There are rocks all along the coast... where one wants to just go in to rest for just a bit... but.. no way to get there without hitting those rocks and breaking up. So I keep sailing around in circles... but at least I am going in a circle... with a rudder once again present. But I just feel a bit scattered..unsettled... vulnerable...in general plain terms.. "a mess" . lol But maybe living messy is where I am supposed to be.