The Future Is Forever Changed

[eldersister]

I was at work today, and was suddenly taken by the thought that my entire future, and that of my daughter's will be without my brother. There will never be another brother-sister organized Yosemite camping trip; the trip to England to see our mother's homeland will never take place; the last Hawaii trip together 5 years ago was, in fact the last. The phone will never ring from him again; there will never be a knock on my front door with my brother and some critter in hand. No one will sneak my daughter twenty extra bucks to take herself to a movie with, or pick her up and take her shopping for clothes when my ex doesn't come through with his check's in the mail routine....

I was dealing alright, I thought on a daily level. I was getting through the days, sometimes even going a full day without breaking down.....but the thought of all my tomorrow's being berift of my brother.....I couldn't even cry, it took my breath right away.

I spent the rest of my day doing the most of mundane things I could think of, and still call it work. I filed, I filled out forms. I re-scheduled sessions with clients, I did not cope well. Now, I've got an hour before I pick my teenager up to get it together and become a human being again. He has been gone three weeks now, almost a month, really. Sometimes, I almost envy my sister-in-law, she has a name for it...she is a "widow" -- I am just his sister, who spent the last 49 years loving him.

[MartyT]

"I am just his sister, who spent the last 49 years loving him."

Oh my dear, this statement touches my heart. I don't know why there is no word in our language for a bereaved sibling ~ but I hope you won't let that diminish in any way the love you have for your brother, and the enormity of your grief. This is a person with whom you shared your life from the very beginning, through every developmental phase in your life, and there is no one who ever did or ever will know you (or love you) in the same way as your brother does. How can anyone possibly measure the magnitude of your loss of him? Remember that when we grieve, we grieve at 100%, and for you this is the worst loss you can possibly imagine ~ for you there is no greater loss than this one. It IS that big . . .

[eldersister]

I have given great thought to your reply today. When my mom died 7 years ago (is it really that long ?) I did not grieve as much as I do now. My mom died much like my brother. Ovarian Cancer, undetected, then found. Surgery, then pulmonary embolism, and then over three weeks systems began to shut down...one at a time. I sat with her for days, weeks, prayed at her bedside, sang to her, read to her, and that last day, told her that she could stop being brave, and if she could hear me, and I knew she could....that I would take care of dad, and my brother, and of course, my daughter, her only grandchild. And that I was leaving then, and going home to spend the night at home. She died that night; after I had left.

I was so close to my mom, and to her mother before that. I grew up with my grandmother in our home. I felt tied, joined to them in a generational sort of way. We each gardened, grew herbs, loved to eat fresh vegetables from the gardens. I learned english nursery rhymes at their knee, and taught them to my daughter too. We baked and blessed the bread, We hoarded pennies in our closets to buy gifts with. When my grandmother died, in her 80's I was 20; She was gone, but the connection was not broken. And 33 years later, I still can feel that thread that connects us. When mom died, I could feel the pull of that thread, connecting the generations; giving my roots stability, even in my grief.

But losing my brother, is different. And I cannot place my grief. It swirls around me, settles down but briefly, and is off again like hurricane winds of change.

And is it because I am afraid ? Our father is now almost 84. My dear daughter has lost her beloved grandmother at age 9, and her only Uncle at age 16. Our little family is almost gone. And what will I be able to give to her ? HOw do I spin the thread when my soul feels lost. Yes, this grief is different this time.

[MartyT]

Dear One,

Your statment, "I still can feel that thread that connects us" reminds me of one of my very favorite children's books (I've been a collector of children's books for many years, since their authors know how to take a very complicated concept and present it in the simplest of terms that even I can understand ). The book is The Invisible String by Patrice Karst. Although written for children, its message about maintaining connections with those we love is universal. If you click on the book's title, you can read Amazon's description and reviews.

[missyme]

THis experience is making me think that grief is like a stairway and on each stairway there are things that need to be addressed. I am so devastated for my daughter that she lost her favorite uncle. There is a type of love that he offered that she will grow up without and it devastates me. Each day a thought like this will pop up for me. He will never know his grandchildren. He won't be with me when we lose our parents. He's NOT ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE ANYMORE and it takes my breath away.

I am praying for you and all of us that have lost our siblings......the pain is more than I ever expected and I hear you.