Feeling Lost

[Bren]

I am new to this...

I lost my husband Ron to lung cancer 5 months ago today. I thought I was doing fairly well- working, have support from family and friends. I woke up this morning feeling like I had been hit with a ton of bricks. I have cried all day, called in sick to work. I just can't figure out how I fit into this great big world without him. We were married for 32 years. I miss him! Everyone thinks I am doing so well, so brave... I must put on a good front because that certainly is not how I feel on the inside. I find myself being short tempered for no reason. I see everyone moving along with their lives, as they should, but I think they expect me to do the same. I am just not ready. My entire life has changed and it will never feel o.k. and I don't know what to next....

[marsha]

Bren - I'm so sorry for the loss of your Ron. It's good that you've come here - before I lost Joe, I had never been on a forum before, but the support and understanding from others who've walked/are walking the same path was a lifeline. I found that, although friends and family who love me were truly supportive, I couldn't explain, and didn't understand for that matter, what these new emotions were. It helped to express them, and know I wasn't alone in this. Please keep posting...Hugs, Marsha

[Sharon3]

Hi Bren and welcome to this site. You describe it exactly as I would. It has been 10 months for me since my husband passed away and I had and still do to some extent have the same feelings as you. Everyone who offered love and support in the early weeks and months went on with their life. I still cannot bear to attend a happy event because I can't be happy in large groups. I, like you have days where I cab't function and don't know where it came from and I let it be what it is. To me it is a release of built up stress and tension and loss that I need to express. I see a grief counsellor about once every 3 weeks and she has been a big help as has this site because there is comfort in knowing you are not going crazy. I have learnt many lessons but one of the biggest is that everyone grieves a little differently. I too don't know what my life path looks like anymore and that is scary, I just know that I want to come to the point where I have a path rather than living moment to moment and trying to fill my days. We all need time..don't beat yourself up, tears are your badge of love.

[Bren]

Thank you Marsha and Sharon. Your posts have given me great comfort. I struggled as to whether I should join this site and am glad I decided to give it a try. It already feels like a great outlet for my feelings.

Ron was only 53- life seems so unfair. We were married very young and I so miss my life with him. Some days I just don't know how to pick up the pieces. Even if I did, there would be such a huge piece missing.

I know you are all feeling the same and I am so sorry for all of our sadness and loss. Thank you again.

[Babs11]

First of All Bren,

I am sorry that your Husband died of Cancer that is extremely hard to go through for all..Every day is hard but today you were overwhelmed with emotion as Draining as Crying is we just can't avoid it at times..You needed the day for yourself and maybe tonight some sleep and have a slightly better day tomorrow..We all put on a Brave face I do all the time...because everyone else around me is in a whole different story and at this time it is not the one about Coping with Loss and Loneliness.

I also feel more "Short Tempered" especially with Everyday people I pass on the way.. It is mean to say but when I see people who are so ignorant, who could care less about the next guy in line or run you down to be the first..I feel so angry with my situation..I say so many times to my Husband, "Are you kidding me David you left me Here with this"?.. and I just don't have the tolerance I use to...Maybe because he would be the one I would comment to and we would have some smart off the wall remark to make..

You know the saying "I crack myself up", It gets old sometimes..

There are ALOT of Good People in this World though. I just don't have alot of patience for the ones who aren't anymore..

...Example as I write..I live in an apartment on the 1st Floor, New Neighbors seem to forget there is a 1st Fl..Guess they think they are suspended in Mid Air...They like to use their floor as a Trampoline, Guess they havent' figured out there are NO Springs in Floors so the Stomping, Shaking and Thudding goes on and on...I think when my Husband passed I secretly turned into a Dragon disguised by Human Form..Because alls I want to do now is SPIT FIRE!!!

Seize the moment to have One Laugh even if it is brief.. everyday..Your Husband will be right there Cracking Up with you..

If you wake up and feel upset and out of sorts try to get on this website and post or just read..It may help you get through the day.

Our Entire Lives have changed and can't figure out what to do next either..Truthfully don't want to do

ANYTHING without him..but that is not an option.

I hope you have Sweet Dreams tonight.

Love and Peace, Babs.

[Maryo]

Bren,

I also want to welcome you to this group.I logon everyday and find it a great comfort to know there is always someone there.This is a great group that understands grief and shares their experiences and feeling.

Take care.

Mary Lou

[Susie Q]

Dear Bren

I am so sorry that you need to be here but glad you are. My husband died 5 months ago suddenly and we had just celebrated 32 years of our wonderful marriage, so I, like many others here, totally understand how you are going.

You will find much comfort and support from what is written here - the deeply personal and the mundane all get addressed. You'll also hear from people who have been where we are in the past and they will give you hope that there is a future waiting for you.

I'm struggling - doing the best I can. Some days sad but OK, other days desperately unhappy and highly emotional. Everyday and every minute missing the happy and fulfilling life I once had.

Keep writing about how you feel and you will receive lots of wonderful advice and support.....Susie Q

[derby]

Bren,

Welcome to this forum. I am 3 months into this journey so I am not where you are just yet. I can tell you this has been such a help to me. I hope you can gain insight and understanding just as I have with the advise of others. And its a good place to share your feelings, thoughts, worries and questions. Debbie

[Bren]

I started this day with much sadness... then, God sent me all of you, my new circle of friends. In one short day I have been blessed to communicate with those who truly understand how I feel and know what a difficult journey this is.

I love and miss Ron more than most could ever imagine. However, you do know that since you miss and love your spouses as I do. I feel I finally have somewhere to go to express myself without having to feel out of place or explaining "what is wrong". When I am especially sad, that is the first thing I am asked- "what is wrong?" The shorter list would be to ask what is right. I expect others to know I am grieving but they just don't. Too many people think that in a few short months I should be o.k.... I am not!

I want to thank you for bringing comfort to an otherwise dark day. You are all so very kind and I hope I too will be able to offer you support and comfort.

Brenda

[Babs11]

Bren,

You just did offer comfort and support..

..I have only been on this site for a few months..I found it by accident..and I found it on a very dark day..My family doesn't even know how Dark things became for me..This site pulled me through..and I will continue to utilize it's strength..because I need that..This is knew to me also..and don't feel funny when you say that you broke down..

I went to walk my dog in the park the other night and I felt overwhelmed and sobbed beyond control..But I read the entries and they save me..

You have friends from all over the world here.

Love and Peace,

Babs

[mrspapajohn]

Bren - - First, I am so sorry that you had to fins this site, but I am glad that you did. I am twelve months into this journey and that amount of time seems to be the limit of patience that most friends and relatives have. Today, my brother-in-law told me to "suck it up." He continued with "After all, Stephen has been gone a year now. You can't expect to grieve forever." At this point I DO expect to grieve forever even though time has helped me to hide/control my outward emotions more than I did the first few months. As the good people on this site will tell you, everyone grieves differently, but the important thing is that you grieve whatever way helps you the most. Nothing is out of the so-called norm. Cry when you want; rant and rave when you want, cave-it-up when you want. Whatever it takes for you is the right thing to do. My heart goes out to you and I hope that you find some comfort soon. We all have to learn the "new" life that awaits us. I personally believe that our loved ones are always with us to help us find our new path, as hard as it is without their physical presence. I'm glad you are here. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Kathy