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Coming Out Of That Black Hole?

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Yesterday afternoon was the first time in 4 months, I decided to go back to socializing with co-workers a little bit. I went to happy hour, I must say I didn't do it with so much joy and excitement but rather I felt I wanted to be around people just to wind down from the work day. I didn't feel like doing this for the past 4 months. I would feel like I was not grieving my dad the right way, but yesterday I just felt like going. I also saw it as an opportunity to learn more about those who work with me and for the organization. Doing this did not mean I stopped grieving my dad's death, I simply wanted to be around people talking about non-personal stuff, and getting to know them at the same time.

On the way home, I felt ok for taking the time to do this, but I also felt sadness because I wanted to call my father to tell him about this, about the people and I realized I cant do that anymore. It may sound a bit silly but that is just how I felt. I do know that wherever my dad is, he is watching over us, his family, as I have seen little signs of this. His life had purpose and even though he is not with us physically, I can see all things he believed in and lived for, his legacy, is with us. It gives me hope, and a projection for the future. As I am writing this, i have tears running down my cheeks, but I also have a smile...how strange right? All I know is I love my dad and always will. I will do everything I can to make sure his legacy stays alive in us and in the people he impacted through out his life.

I just wanted to share that.



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I think you are onto something important when you write:

"I can see all things he believed in and lived for, his legacy is with us. It gives me hope, and a projection for the future."

That legacy from our parents is a lot more than mere memories, because we are living embodiments of our parents' legacy. We continue them. That's what helps me most; knowing that all they imparted is still in me, and still guiding me.

Ron B.

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it's good to hear you have hope and you can have some little enjoyment. I had a couple of times like that back in january (lost my doting Dad 17th Dec) but I was pretty much just numb then when I would call to friends and chat away about things other than my feelings. I don't have that anymore and I don't have any hope.I'd like to think he's with me but I feel nothing at all. I can't look at photos, little notes he used to write, emails he sent, I can't think back on any memories because the pain is too much (sometimes I feel I'm going to just forget it all).

3 days after he left we had a big family dinner and there was a voicemail on my phone, I listened to it but there had been an older one from Dad a few days before.I deleted it immediately as soon as I heard is voice, I was in such a temper.I didn't want to have that forever,figured it would be too much.Now I want it back coz I know sometime in the future I will want to hear his voice but it's gone just like every dream and hope I ever had.

you are lucky to see signs from him, I look everywhere for something but nothing at all ...

Daddy's girl

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Daughter,I'm glad you are able to start seeing things clearly.My dear Dad died on New years,night.I was so destroyed for the first month and a half.I thought I was going crazy.I'm a little diffrent then most,I guess,because I would look at his picture for hours crying and crying.I would listen to my messages he left me on my phone[3 from the day he died]and long for him like a child.I make endless cds of all his favorite songs and listen and remember.Last week,I stopped crying in the car EVERYWHERE I went.I still break down,but it is not as often.I can smile when a pinkfloyd or ledzepplin song comes on.[quickly,before the tears start].I wish I could see some signs that were certain,but it all seems like wishful thinking.I went to my dad's house last night to get some of my things and in the bag was my dad's photo album of my baby pictures was in it.I had never even seen those pictures before.It hurt.It felt like someone handing me my childhood back.No one cares about that album anymore.It's just a bunch of phases,isn't it?This process of mourning seems like one challange after the next.Good luck to you. From one daughter to another.

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