Losing My Dad, (And Myself )

[jodo]

Hi Everyone, I am fairly new to this group, I've made a couple of short posts but never told my Dad's full story. So here it is- I apologize if it gets a little "lengthy" !! It started last Nov.(2009) My Dad had just turned 71 (but looked 60!) He went in to the hospital with a blood infection, they told him it could be treated with antibiotics and he would be fine, THEN, they did a colonoscopy on him and punctured his intestine, then over prescribed blood thinners and he started bleeding internally, and there was no way to stop it, THEN they took him off all blood thinners and his blood became so thick that it started to clot and we guess a clot went to his brain ? Well this happened on Christmas eve morning, we rushed him to the hospital (he was still somewhat coherent) then they shot some kind of drug in him that put him in a coma, and stuck a breathing tube into his throat and chest and airlifted him to the nearest city. Well, that was it, I was never able to talk to him again, He never came out of it- the doctors told us he had no brain activity and suggested (Pressured us) to take him off of life support which we did on Dec. 30th. I can't even begin to tell you how traumatic that was, we sat there for 4 hours waiting for him to take his last breath. That was it- My Dad,(my best friend, my support system ) was gone. I, in a sense was "gone"too, I will never be the same and for now I feel like I will never,ever recover. I remember so clearly the night before Christmas eve., we were sitting together talking about how we would spend it ( What we would eat, what Christmas movies we would watch,etc.) And, it was tradition that I would spend the night with he and my Mom, and wake up early X-mas morn to open presents. We never got to do any of that, Poof-he was just gone. I had to return all the presents I had bought him to the stores - that was so painful. I can't imagine ever celebrating Christmas again. EVER. I had made a video on my cell phone of him singing a Christmas song (during one of his hospital stays) That is so precious to me - though I'm so afraid it will get erased or my phone will get broken! Also I actually had saved a message on my home answering machine- It's so eery and very sad to play it and hear his beautiful voice and know that's all I have to hold on to. So it's been over 3 months now , and I am still a wreck, I cry all the time, and scream out loud as if I were a little girl " I want my Dado" I see other people that have lost their Dads and they seem to be fine. I wonder what is wrong with me, and start having panic attacks ! I don't understand how life just goes on all around me, Everyone smiling, laughing , eating, traveling,etc. It's just not fair !! My Dad loved life, and he loved people, and it was all taken away from him. I forgot to mention, we believe the hospital and doctors caused his death so that adds another whole dimension to this nightmare ( It's basically like he was murdered) My Mom and I have started to look into it- I don't know what will become of it, but at least we can say we tried. O.k. I guess I've said enough for now ! I struggle everyday with the energy,and will, to go on living without him. This group (my new friends) may be a "lifeline" for me ! I Thank-you so much ! (and thank-you for taking the time to read this very long post!) Hugs to all of you ! P.S.- As if everything isn't painful enough, yesterday when I went to the cemetery I saw that someone had stolen all the solar lights (8 of them) that we had put on my Dad's grave, unbelievable !

[niamh]

hey Jodo,

I'm sorry as always.....it's so frustrating when the staff didn't do things properly, I still get so angry with them but in Ireland there is just no point in even trying to get it looked into. we here the stories every other day about how people are "treated" in our hospitals so my dear Daddy is just another on their list of screw ups. Poof and it's all gone is so right.

I remember so vividly falling onto my Dad lying on the table thinking "no my life is destroyed forever how can he not be here for Christmas".

I couldn't return his gifts, they are still in the back of my car, I can't take them out yet. My Dad like yours adored life and Christmas, he hadn't even got around to getting my Christmas card.

I deleted a voicemail from him in a temper a few days later thinking I'd never be able to listen to his voice again, now I just want it back.

I came home from work today and Mom was throwing out some stuff belong to Dad, nothing really important but I knew I had to check through it all as there was some things I wanted to keep so I did. So my Mom lost her cool, then apologised later. It was $hit to say the least, I had a crap day at work,felt on the way home in the car like it all hit me again like a ton of bricks, stunned that this really really did happen and I can't change it no matter what, I can't control it at all. I cannot believe how my life has turned out. I want my perfect like back coz that's what is was now that I think of it.

Like you too when I am alone and can cry it out properly I just scream "I want my Daddy, where are you Daddy" and I still have little panic attacks when it truly kicks in.

Aw that's awful about the cemetery, how disgusting for someone to do that, I'm sorry. Like we havent enough sadness already and then for someone to be so nasty.

We haven't Dad's done properly yet, no headstone yet.I want to buy lots of nice little things for it to keep flowers in, candles etc. It's somewhere I want to go during the summer when the weather is nice, sit and write to my Dad. I've sat there once and somehow I felt a little closer to him than just standing there. In saying that all I wanted to do was dig it up and lie down with him.

People in work are now starting to talk about vacations, I don't want to be around those chats because Daddy's not here planning his/ours, asking me to check things out. I avoided everyone today as I didn't want to be asked how was Easter and hear people talking about their great weekend.

I'm just so sick and weary of life and it's only been a little over 3 months without him, I just don't know how to live another entire lifetime without him, how on earth are we supposed to live for years without our Daddys.

(now I feel like I am hogging this board I write to much these last few days :-))

thanks for sharing with us, it's hard to even think about it not to mind write it.

hugs and love from another who just wants her Daddy too nothing more.

[SHeiss]

Jodo,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I cant imagine the day that my dad dies even though it will be sooner than wanted. My dad is terminally ill and I see a little part of him die everyday. He is not even gone yet and I cry about everyday. I am angry with the world and everyone has noticed. I have multiple messages from my dad saved to my cell phone so I will forever have his voice with me and telling me he loves me when I need to hear it. I feel that when it happens I will never recover from it either. He made me who I am and by him passing it will be like a part of me is too. I understand what you are going through because I feel the same way and I am sorry you feel this badly.

Again sorry for your loss and if you ever need to chat I have MSN and we can chat all day long. I hope that with time your pain will start to ease away.

- Sharla

[jodo]

Hello again my new dear friend Niam ! I Thank-you so much for reading my post, and taking the time to write your beautiful reply !! Even though I cried all the way through it, it gave me comfort ! I know what you mean about going to the cemetery, I do feel so close to him when I am there. Do you live near the cemetery?? Ours is only a mile from my house, at night I can actually see some of the little lights that are at the cemetery (which makes me sad !) Niam- forgive my ignorance- but I'm not good at geography so I don't know what season it is there in Ireland !! Is it spring like it is here ?!! I have had a hard time lately with spring in the air- Everything starting to bloom, and the clear blue skies, I know it makes most people happy , But not me anymore, I just feel so sad that my Dad isn't here to see all this beauty People keep telling me to think positive thoughts, and think about the good memories of my Dad, But right now it's the "good memories" that hurt the worst. By the way, Thank-you for suggesting the John Denver song, It of course made me cry, but it was so beautiful!! Well, I hope work is a little better for you tomorrow! I have so much admiration for you (that you are able to work everyday and hold it together) You must be stronger than you think you are! I send you a great big hug ! xoxo

[jodo]

Hi Sharla, Thank-you SO much for your reply ! I went on your other post, and read your story about your Dad, I sent you a reply there. I will always be here for you !! Try to have a good evening and try to make your Dads Birthday a Happy, and special one ! Love, Jodi (I go by Jodo here because that's what my Dad called me!)

[SHeiss]

Jodi - Thanks for your replies!! I am off work in about 2 hours and I will be going to get my dad a gift for his birthday. It is kind of hard because I don't quite know what to get someone who is dying. I will try my best though. I will be back on here later tonight though. I added you as a friend too!!

-Sharla

[loulou]

Hey sweetie.finally your dad's story.I'm so sorry for you.You know how I feel.The same way.Although we did not have to make the decision to take him off support.How awful for you and your family.I had messages on my phone of my dad,and even though the phone company said the would save,they cancelled and I was devastated.I will never be the same either,and I dont think anyone understand.I got treated badly by the hospital,organ donation people,the funeral home,and more.I was his next of kin.Everyday is a struggle.Every moment,too.I wish I could move on a little but I'm stuck on my precious dad.I miss him.I want him back so bad my chest hurts.I'm thankful I have people here that actually care about our stories, and our pain.Goodluck honey.

[niamh]

Hey Jodo! fortunately I do live near the cemetery so I do go quite regularly when the weather is ok(although I hate it when there are other people there). Yep it's spring here also but our weather doesn't get as warm as you guys (it's still quite cold here now).Oh I hear you on the spring/summer thing.....I used to love the summer, now to be honest I hate seeing the sun and bright days....like you because it makes everyone else so extra happy and i know we won't ever again have dinner on the deck at home with Daddy.When I watch tv at home I have the curtains closed all the time now, I just don't like the bright days anymore.

I'm glad you like the song, I do hope so much it's my Daddy saying those words to me when I hear it by chance rather than deliberately turn it on.

thank you for saying that, I only work now coz I just have no choice, my interest in my work is so gone,I just can't care anymore, just wish the day away everyday.

Hugs and love back at ya, I am glad I have a few other Daddy's girls to walk this road with me,

xo

[jodo]

Hey sweetie.finally your dad's story.I'm so sorry for you.You know how I feel.The same way.Although we did not have to make the decision to take him off support.How awful for you and your family.I had messages on my phone of my dad,and even though the phone company said the would save,they cancelled and I was devastated.I will never be the same either,and I dont think anyone understand.I got treated badly by the hospital,organ donation people,the funeral home,and more.I was his next of kin.Everyday is a struggle.Every moment,too.I wish I could move on a little but I'm stuck on my precious dad.I miss him.I want him back so bad my chest hurts.I'm thankful I have people here that actually care about our stories, and our pain.Goodluck honey.

Hi LouLou ! I Thank-you for your reply ! I always look forward to reading your posts !! It's terrible the way you said you were treated by the hospital,etc.(It's unbelievable that even the funeral home was rude?) What is happening to our society? I , too feel pain in my chest when i think about my Dad, and sometimes I cry so hard that I can't even breathe ! Sometimes I actually think I'll die of a broken heart (like you hear people talk about!) Anyways, Thanks for being here ! Healing Hugs to you!!!

[jodo]

Hey Jodo! fortunately I do live near the cemetery so I do go quite regularly when the weather is ok(although I hate it when there are other people there). Yep it's spring here also but our weather doesn't get as warm as you guys (it's still quite cold here now).Oh I hear you on the spring/summer thing.....I used to love the summer, now to be honest I hate seeing the sun and bright days....like you because it makes everyone else so extra happy and i know we won't ever again have dinner on the deck at home with Daddy.When I watch tv at home I have the curtains closed all the time now, I just don't like the bright days anymore.

I'm glad you like the song, I do hope so much it's my Daddy saying those words to me when I hear it by chance rather than deliberately turn it on.

thank you for saying that, I only work now coz I just have no choice, my interest in my work is so gone,I just can't care anymore, just wish the day away everyday.

Hugs and love back at ya, I am glad I have a few other Daddy's girls to walk this road with me,

xo

Hi again Niam !! It's so amazing the thing you said about dinner on the deck with your Dad, because that is also one of the saddest things for me - I have a big front porch on my house, and my Dad would come over almost every summer evening and sit on one of the rocking chairs, and we would talk for hours, and have some kind of dessert ! Yesterday, I sat in his rocking chair, and it was so painful- I could barely stand it ! I don't know what this summer will bring ? I can't even begin to think about it, like I said Spring is hard enough! Niam, When you are around your Mom do you try to hold it together and not cry? Do you guys talk about your Dad alot ? We do talk about my Dad as much as we can, usually I just have a few tears in my eyes, I never let her see me sob like I do at home ! I think it would make her real sad ! Do you find that when you are on the computer (like on this site) That it helps take your mind off things temporarily? I think I'm spending more time on here lately cause it's the only thing that makes me feel a little better ! Talk to you soon , Love and hugs to you again !

[niamh]

Hi again Niam !! It's so amazing the thing you said about dinner on the deck with your Dad, because that is also one of the saddest things for me - I have a big front porch on my house, and my Dad would come over almost every summer evening and sit on one of the rocking chairs, and we would talk for hours, and have some kind of dessert ! Yesterday, I sat in his rocking chair, and it was so painful- I could barely stand it ! I don't know what this summer will bring ? I can't even begin to think about it, like I said Spring is hard enough! Niam, When you are around your Mom do you try to hold it together and not cry? Do you guys talk about your Dad alot ? We do talk about my Dad as much as we can, usually I just have a few tears in my eyes, I never let her see me sob like I do at home ! I think it would make her real sad ! Do you find that when you are on the computer (like on this site) That it helps take your mind off things temporarily? I think I'm spending more time on here lately cause it's the only thing that makes me feel a little better ! Talk to you soon , Love and hugs to you again !

hey hun,

another day over at last and curtains closed as I write this feeling like it's just groundhog day and will be forever.

Like you and loulou I too feel that pain in my chest/heart especially everyday walking to my car after work knowing he won't be coming in the door. I do cry in front of Mom, usually when something has set me off though coz it normally just burst out, can't hold it in. We seem to cry at different times, when she cries, I'm not (most of the time). But the real hard sobbing I just do alone usually when I know there's a couple of hrs where I definitely wont see anyone.

I don't talk about him at all actually, Mom kinda just mentions the odd thing here and there.....I just can't go there at all, other than saying how much I'm missing him and hating all this. His birthday is coming up on 15th so I'm taking 2 days off work, couldn't cope being in there at all, I'm dreading it so much.

You know when I'm writing here I find it so surreal, it's like I'm writing for someone else, that this isn't actually happening to me,how could it be ..... it's such a really weird feeling.

yeah I sure feel like I'm hogging this site with all my posts lately. I get one lot of stuff out here and another in a journal where I just write to Dad.

I feel like such a broken record lately, just always sad and lonely.

hugs and love to you as always dear friend xo

[loulou]

Jodo...I just read on another site that you use that name because that's what your dad called you.I'm Lou Lou because that's my dads nickname for me.I dont think I ever heard him call me Lila,my real name.He was all about nicknames.It's kinda cool.Something to remind us.