Sometimes I Really Want To Die.

[Guest Guest_Angel]

I really dont know what to write. It will be ten months since i lost my brother. He was a doctor and contracted an infection while treating a patient. He died in front of my eyes and i couldnt do anything. It was a very painful and difficult death and in the end i think i wished for God to take him away because the pain was just too terrible. Now i dont know what to do with my life. I used to be very ambitious but now i simply dont bother about anything. For most people i am ok.....i have 'gotten over it'. I smile, i go out, i talk and i do almost everything that people of my age do (23). But i really think of death all the time. I write poems and a few of them have been published in literary journals. People tell me i have real potential but there is a lot of pre occupation with death. A few weeks after my brother died i tried to find ways to kill myself.......couple of times i cut myself. I am scared of happiness and i dont know if i will ever feel happy. I do not believe in any relationships cause i have had a bad childhood (a bit of abuse)....so basically i dont know what to do. I feel so estranged from the rest of the world because all my friends and almost the entire world seems happy. I no longer think that life is one big celebration. I really do want to die sometimes but then i dont do it because i dont want to put my mother through that pain. I am very confused and do not know what to do. I feel guilty that i am alive and my brother is dead when everything tells me that it should be the other way round. He deserved life so much more than me. And i am scared that i might forget him one day.

[ana]

Hi there,

I am so sorry for you loss.

My only sibling and big brother passed away 6 months ago and yes, it is really hard. He was 30 years old and I'm in my 20s and I really miss him. And people our age - at least in my mind - are preoccupied with partying and going to bars, and starting new relationships etc. People our age - at least in my mind and well, at least before my brother passed away it was how it was for me - didn't really think about death and dying and the impact it could have on our lives. So yes, we are pretty much alone in our grief.

Have you tried speaking to someone? A doctor? A therapist? Someone you feel comfortable that you can really reach out to?

I know now that grief is really hard to deal with. Sometimes I don't want to be here either, but I still have both my parents and I couldn't leave them behind. I remember for me how great and awesome and amazing life was before my brother died and I suppose it may be one day again - even if right now it seems impossible.

Please reach out to those around you that you can really really talk to. Your life is precious.

Ana

[Guest Amanda]

I lost my brother also. I was 15 and he was 14. He committed suicide and I know that's different but it's still one of the hardest things in the world. I am 21 now and have learned how to cope with it. Of course I'm not over it, I never will be. I think about it all the time, maybe not as much as I did five years ago, but I will never forget him. He was my only sibling and I wasn't much older than him. We were very close. Time really is the best healer. I'm not sure if you believe in God, but that' really helped me to realize that everything happens for a reason. At least you know your brother didn't leave you. I'm sure he still loves you. It was not personally meant to hurt you and it's so much easier when you eventually think of it that way. It will take time though. I'm sure he would want you to be happy. To live the life that he didn't get to. Experience things not only for yourself but for him too. That too may not happen for awhile, but eventually. I does get easier. I promise.

[tifhunny]

Hi, my name is Tiffany. I just found this site today and saw your post and wanted to reply to you. My 2 brothers were in a horrible car accident in January on their way to school. The car (my car) had spun out of control because of ice and went over the median... they hit a pick up truck 3 times while they were spinning and then were completely ran over by a school bus on its way to go pick up some kids. My brother, Chris (18), died instantly (claimed by the paramedics) and my brother, Rich (15) was in critical condition in the hospital for 3 weeks. Planning the funeral with my mom, picking out my brother's grave stone... speaking at the funeral for both Rich and I because Rich was still fighting for his life in the hospital... after all of these things happened, there were many times when I wanted to die because it seemed to be a better alternative to feeling the agonizing and breathtaking pain that I felt through all this. I'm sure it's similar with you. When your brother died, part of you died with him. This is normal, especially for immediate family.

Tiff

[emcee]

I am new at this....I had just lost my little sister almost two months ago from a sudden cardiac arrest. She was only 19 and we really didnt expect it. EVerything that you wrote related to how Im feeling. I really dont know what to do at times and I refuse to be happy because its not fair for her....I thought about taking my life to be with her but at the same time, you're right, we dont want to put our parents through that pain again. I havent gone out or talk to any of my friends, I just dont feel like working on my relationships with them. AT times I hate them. I hate the fact that they are enjoying life while my sister is gone. I might see a councelor but I dont know if that's even gonna help....All Im saying is that I thought I was alone, I thought I was the only one that felt this. But I know we have to remember that whenever we do have that thought of taking our life, it is important for us to remember that the first people that would've stop us from doing so would've been your brother and my little sister. They would've been the first people that would've told us not to be selfish and make them proud. That's my only comfort everyday. I want to be the big sister that I could've been for her and hope that I make her proud each day. But I do tell her though not to force me to be happy cos I dont think I'll ever be. I hope that she understands that.....I will keep you and your brother in my mind and heart. Take care.