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So, husband died almost a month ago. I have no idea if i can afford to heat this house and manage the upkeep. Thankfully there is no mortgage. We bought it with the intention of fixing it up.

When Husband was diagnosed, he hired a man to help with the things Husband didn't think he'd be able to do. He started. When Husband died, Man made an incredible offer. He would continue working on the house a few hours, here and there, (like when he was rained out of paying work) and all I would need to do is pay for materials. His wife is something of a decorator, too, and is helping with that.

What could be the problem? Well, for one thing, Husband was an active alcoholic. Many of the things he did do have to be re-done because they were done so poorly, and for some reason, I'm embarrassed by that. Second, many of the things I'd had in mind were sort of "artsy" and different. Those things are not going to be done because the goal is now to put the house in "salable" condition. So some of the things I wanted aren't going to happen.

I should be grateful. I hope I act grateful. Tonight, I don't feel grateful.

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It is hard to be grateful when you have just lost your husband, and to boot, you have had to deal with alcoholism, and watch your husband be eaten up by it. My husband was the smartest and funniest guy I have ever met, but alcoholism took him, and manipulated me. In fact, I still find it hard to admit that he was an alcoholic. And I feel very guilty for not having saved him.

It has only been a month, so go easy on yourself. You are going though a terrible emotional upheaval. Just concentrate on getting through each day. And I am sure you will be very grateful for the kindness from this man and his wife. It sucks having to deal with financial realities, but it seems that when push comes to shove, we do what we need to survive in our new reality.

Be kind to yourself.


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It is perfectly normal to feel conflicting emotion and all are valid. Show them gratefulness, they are due it, that is for sure, but to us, come and pour your heart out, lament, weep, pound your fist! It is okay, we understand. It is the loss of dreams, loss of everything you had, everything you planned...and we've all experienced that. You didn't sign on for this, no one asked you how you felt about it, it just happened to you, taking away your sense of empowerment and leaving wreckage in it's wake. We understand. Over time you will reclaim your empowerment, but it takes time, you will rebuild a different life for yourself, but right now it's too soon for all that...right now you just need to get through today so try to focus on the now instead of way out there. You've met some new friends here, we all go through this together.

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