Mom Died 5 Months Ago

[2sweetgirls]

Well, it's been 5 months since mom died. I still can't believe I'm writing these words. It all just seems unreal. I wish I could stop the feeling of a knife being plunged into my chest. She was the glue that kept the family together. Since I am the only daughter, I feel like I have to keep it together for my dad. He was diagnosed only days later with stage 4 bone cancer.

I am so filled with guilt, massive guilt, over how and where mommy died and not being in time to be with her (we live many states away). As long as I can remember, she always said to us, my father, brother and I, that she didn't want to die in a nursing home. Although she was in a hospice, which she told me herself was a really nice place. It was only supposed to be until my dad got better and then she could go home, which is where she wanted to be. She died from congestive heart failure and my dad was her caretaker. He suddenly got real sick and wound up having to have emergency surgury at the same time. In fact, he was actually in surgery when mommy died. My family, brother and I flew down and had to tell my dad while he was layed up in bed after a pretty major surgery that mommy had died. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I just keep thinking that she left this world disappointed because we didn't fulfil her wishes. When I found out that day from the Dr that she only had 3 - 5 days left, I booked the tickets, my husband came home early and we were on our way and I got the call that she had passed. She died with a volunteer by her side. Not family - a STRANGER!!! I wish she would come to me in a dream and tell me that it's ok and she's not mad. I just don't know if I'll ever get rid of this guilt and pain. It feels like I just will never be the same again. I know I'll never be the same. Acceptance is extremely difficult.

My husband is incredibly supportive. He talks to me whenever I need to even until 2:00 in the morning when he has to get up to go to work in the morn. I have two girls 9yo and 21mo. If I didn't have them to distract me and make me smile with all they do, I probably would be in a hole somewhere.

I don't know if anyone else had these feelings in the weeks following your loved ones death but, I felt like everyone around me, except for my immediate family, was just.....I can't find the right word except for.....weird. I felt like I had the plague. Only one friend called everyday, without fail, even when I told her not to call me that I didn't want to talk to her. I thank her for doing that now. I had a best friend for over 20 years who never called me - she only sent text messages and emails. I was incredibly angry that my mom died and my "friend's" disregard and I blew up at her. Instead of being understanding, she retaliated and we are no longer friends. I understand now, after reading a lot, that anger is one of the stages of grief and that they say relationships can suffer. It's a shame!!! As far as I'm concerned, she should be ashamed of herself.

Anyway, thank you so much to all of you for sharing your feelings and reading mine.

Bless you all in your healing.

[niamh]

hi there 2sweetgirls,

aw I am so sorry about your Mom and now your Dad on top of it, wow so sorry. I can so relate to your feelings, it's been 4 months for me since I lost my Dad suddenly.My Dad was long gone by the time we got to the hospital, they had already been at CPR for 20mins and we watched for another 5 or so but my heart just knew it, knew he was already gone so I couldn't even say goodbye. It haunts me, why couldn't I just have had one second with him. I held his hand shouting at him not to leave, to come back but i already knew it was too late, could feel him getting colder. UGh I'm sorry, it's just all been flooding back the last day or so.

I too have a little guilt wishing I had taken him to a different hospital maybe something would be different, they just didn't do things right in this one, he was a heart patient who went in with a kidney stone and they never once checked his heart yet it was cardiac arresst that stole him away from me.

I also long so much every single night for him to visit me in a dream, a sign, something to let me know he's really still right here just in another form that I cannot physically hug these days.

I am so sorry about your friends aswell, most of my really close ones are so truly understanding and I am so grateful. There are some now though that I just can't seem to talk to, my grief feels to awkward around them and I cannot hide it so I really just stay away. I had a pretty big fight with a relative the night before the funeral, we were best of friends growing up but the last 10yrs have been crap, I gave up on her long ago. But this night I tried, one last time to make amends, bigger fool me. I had snapped a little at her because she really was being unreasonable with me and she lost it with me, shouted at me and as always it was all about her and God forgive me, her F.KIDS, that's all it's ever about.we did talk after (just stupid chit chat) but i've not heard from her since really and I'm so over it and done with her.

I agree with you about your friend, I think our society now really has no clue at all how to handle grief. it's brushed under the carpet once the services are over but that's when it all really begins for us but it can be over for friends, they've done their bit attending. But it's after that as reality sets in that real support is needed. You have every single right to be angry and it's so sad that your friend didn't realise that, guess she just doesn't know how to handle you in your grief now. I find it can be so lonely because no matter how much talking and explaining we do ,each of our pain, loss, the relationship we had with the loved one is UNIQUE, no 2 are the same and unless someone has lost someone as close they really cannot even begin to imagine, our imaginations are just not that strong no matter how hard you try.(I try to explain the feelings, emotions, irrational thinks i feel at times, as best I can to try to give them a tiny insight into what it is really doing to me)

I am glad your husband is so supportive and I hope he will continue to be there for you. I have met some amazing people on this site and a few of us are on the same timelines with our losses, you are another of us so we share lots, we vent and so on and there is just the smallest bit of comfort to know someone else has some idea of what you're feeling. I hope you will continue sharing your journey with us. Although we can't make things easier for you, can't stop the pain for you, we can let you know you are not completely alone in it,

hugs to you and thanks for sharing yours with us,

niamh...

[2sweetgirls]

Hi Niamh,

I am so sorry about your dad. As my husband says, it's never the right time or circumstances. But, it is all too hard to accept.

Thank you for replying. I think that unless you have experienced this loss, even though each persons loss is different, you can't even begin to understand how it feels. I am sorry for your relative that couldn't keep her personal issues to herself in your time of grief. Also, I read your earlier post about your co-worker. I think some people can be so insensitive. When you lose a parent or someone really close to you, you change your whole perspective on life and the people around you. It's all so final. There is no going back. You probably felt like really telling him/her to just shut their mouth. Sometimes, I just want to stand in the middle of the street and scream. Maybe it will make me feel better.

I understand the irrational thinking part. I have had a few moments, during the day when I am alone with my 21mo old, that really scared me. I am not suicidal but the mind can wander and really play tricks on you. Do you know what I mean? I looked at her smiling face (the baby looks like mommy) right at that moment and she snapped me out of it.

I am so glad to have found this support group. I am so sick of just pushing my feelings down into my gut just to get rid of it. I have to deal with it and I need help doing it. Thank you for sharing and making me feel like I am not going crazy. I feel like the last 5 months have been a blur - Christmas passed, another new year, my daughter's 9th birthday, etc. and it all seems like a blur.......

This process really stinks!!!!!

Hugs right back to you!!!

[niamh]

hey there,

thanks, yeah I've finally realised and understood no matter how old they are it's so wrong when the leave.

yep, sometimes I'd like nothing more than a sound proof room to scream it all out of me.

I do understand what you mean, I'm not suicidal either but there are times when i'm driving my car and the pain and loss feel so much and I want something to end it all for me, but I wouldn't want that for my Mom, NO WAY.

yeah sometimes I can't believe it's 4 months, as you say they have been a complete blur, I do rememeber vividly the days after it all happened, I rememeber the funeral so well and I'm glad for that, I wouldn't ever want to forget it, it was bitter sweet really but the rest is just fuzz. I still find my memory can be really messed up, if someone asks what I did yesterday or last weekend sometimes I honestly have zero recollection, it's so weird , I guess there's enough going on in the brain and who cares what happened yesterday, it's not significant enough to recall

there's definitely something to getting out the feelings one way or another and I am just grateful for the caring people here all confirming I'm perfectly "normal".

I hate saying have a good day now to someone coz I know it's so hard, so I will wish you some peace and love to help you thru the day and hope your litte one can bring at least one smile to your face

xox

[loulou]

I'm sorry about your loss.Like Niamh,I lost my father.Mine passed in jan.And I feel massive guilt for all the things I didn't do for him.His life was so tough the last year,and I could have done so much to help him...and I didn't.I had no idea he would go so soon.I talked to him constantly,3 times the day he died.He passed in the ambulance on the way to the hospital,I was the first to get to the hospital,and had to give a positive id.He had a heart attack,and was gone.I also have 2 little ones,and I know what you mean,they keep you occupied,but the 2 year old has really made it hard for me.I'm stressed with no help with them until their dad gets home after work.And I REALLY know what you mean about friends not being there.I have lost my 2 friends that I have been with forever,I felt like a freak after it happened because EVERYONE treated me l;ike I was,and they still do.At work,even family!I have come out of this with1 true friend that has also been there for me.Thankfully,never tiring of listening to me cry.I go to work and people act like they cant see me,or I cant stand them anymore.I feel like you do.Welcome to the site,it helps.If you ever need to vent...I'm here,and understand.

[2sweetgirls]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad, LouLou. It must of been hard- to say the least- to have to id him. The guilt is overwhelming at times with the should of, could of, would of. I don't feel like mine will ever go away. I hope I'm wrong for all of our sake.

The first time I saw my mom, after she passed, was in the coffin. I can't seem to get that vision out of my mind. I can close my eyes right now and actually see her there - so still, so stiff, so cold.... There are a few things I just can't get out of my mind and keep envisioning- her being sealed away in the mosaleum, her name plate with birth and death dates and my 9 year old just collapsing in front of it. She wrote some beautiful, encouraging words to her Grandma the night before the funeral. She was going to get up and read it at the viewing. She told me at the last minute that she couldn't so I did. I still have what she wrote. When I looked up, after reading it, I locked yees with her and then my husband -they were both crying. Grandma would have been proud of her first grandchild. Mymom never could talk to me about dealing with death. She had a very hard life from birth - her mom died when she was 8, was brought up in a convent, immigrated to America, worked really hard, etc. Suffered with MANY illnesses starting when she was 50 (76 when she died). She always came out of it because she was a fighter and an extremely tough woman. If I have the amount of strength in my whole body that she had in the tip of her pinky, I'm in good shape. I don't know why I let myself believe that she would pull herself out of this one too. I can't help thinking (a lot) of how I, as a mother,can make "my time" easier for my kids. I don't want them to feel like we do - even though I know it's inevitable. Love is wonderful and heartbreaking all at the same time.

Friends are strange creatures. You think you have a good one and then they show you what they are really made of - good or bad. I don't know how you and Niamh can actually go to work. I am a stay a home mom and if I need to cry I can just let it out right then and there. Bless you both and all who are suffering with a great loss to be able to get up and go AND deal with people who might not understand.

I understand how it feels to be with no help too. We live far from any family and all friends have their own families. I am with the kids until my husband gets home. Not usually until 8 or 8:30. By that time, I have changed umpteen diapers,done homework,been to parks, tennis, bathing, etc. and I am just DONE. But, like I had said earlier, he is just being wonderful because I am all over the map. Sometimes I don't even have dinner for him and just slap together a sandwich and he never says anything. Sometimes I seem ok and other times I need to be held up.

I am extremely thankful for this site and you all. I feel like I can, at least, get things off my chest. Even though I can talk to my husband and a couple really good friends, I don't want to tire the people I love with this ALL the time. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, I wear my heart on my sleeve. If I allow "it" to come out with anyone, I'll cry and I can't control it. So I try to hide my true feelings from acquantances and not close friends.

I am having a hospice counselor come to my house next week. I'll let you all know how it goes.

Ya know, sometimes I think to myself, mom would not want me to be feeling this way. She always said all she ever wanted was for my brother and I to be happy. But, on the other hand, I miss her SOOOOOOOOOO much how can I not be sad. Stupid, I know, but, these are some of the silly things that go on in this crazy, mixed up brain of mine. Most times I just feel like a scitso....

Anyway, thank you for listening to my rambling.....

Hugs to all!!!!!!!

[loulou]

It is remarkable to feel so utterly alone,and then read something here,that seems could have come straight from your own head.I'm haunted by seeing my dad,in the hospital,and the coffin.So stiff and cold,indeed.My dad was strong and full of life,like your mom.Friends are strange creatures!I love that.You are right,you think you have a good one,and then something REAL happens in your life and suddenly,they arnt there.They are there to gossip and bitch,but cant even bring themselfs to reach out AT ALL.And about work.I only waitress 3 times a week.It was very hard at first,even still.I went back to early.Niamh does real work,and I dont know how she gets through it.I havnt posted this but can you believe that last week I was waiting on a table,anyway,it turned out that I waited on the same morticion(idk,)that prepared my dad for his funeral.We got to talking,she said she worke at a funeral home,I asked which one,she named the one we had dad's funeral at,which is odd,cause it was in the next state over.I told her my dad just passed and that was who had his funeral,she asked his name,and I told her,and she started crying and told me she took care of him with love and respect.Wow.I thought about it for days,but it kinda weirds me out.About the kids...they are exhausting,but now and then,I look at my youngest and think,thank god they are here to give me love.There is nothing like a big hug full of love from a 2 year old.Thanks and good luck to you.I'm always here if you need to talk.

[2sweetgirls]

WOW LouLou!!!!! I think it could be seen as a sign that your dad is resting in peace and wants you not to feel guilty - at least a little less. That sort of thing is done in one's own time. Of all the places to go and eat and of all the tables to sit at and from a state away? I can understand how it's a bit weird. But my first reaction was it was some sort of sign that we are all so desperately looking for. Also, it is a bit comforting for me to hear that she was crying because at least before your dad was put to rest the person who prepared him was not just doing her job blindly but had some heart.

I agree about feeling absolutely alone and then reading something on this site and feeling as if that person is speaking right from your head. It's so interesting and comforting at the same time. Not that anyone should feel this horrible pain, but that you are not alone in your feelings that make you feel crazy sometimes.

Absolutely, a pure hug from an innocent child that truly loves you is just precious. My 9 year old decided that she was going to help me this morning to get the 21 mo ready. It was hilarious!!! A true circus. Mom would have really belly laughed......

I can't tell you how I look forward to getting the email that someone replyed to my post. Silly but, it helps a little. Thank you for that.

Try to have a peaceful weekend.

[azangel52]

[/lHI eft]Hi