My Best Friend

[Aquarius7]

Since the day I was born, my Mom has been my best friend of my entire life. Always there to help me, teach me, encourage me, help me out, cheer me up, take me places, lend me money when I needed it, buy me things, send me to the college where I wanted to go, done everything to help me try to make my dreams come true, encouraged me in all I want to do, cook for me, teach me to cook, sewn things for me (still don't know how to do that!), save things for me she knows I am interested in, make me birthday cakes, make me and hide so I can look for and find Easter baskets (even as an adult!), give me cards, call me, give me a place to live, travel together, cry together, laugh together, eat together,let me use her car whenever I need it and a million other things. She is simply the greatest Mom anyone could have. My best friend.

After having some swallowing problems and what she said felt like gas problems for the past few months, we went to the emergency room last Thursday night. A chest x-ray showed a mass in her lung. She was later diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.

I could barely function the next day out of shock and sadness. It was like that all weekend and I have cried and cried and cried. It has gotten so intense that I have literally collapsed on the ground and lost all muscular control. I could barely drive at times.

She had a cat scan and and ultra sound in the hospital and was admitted to the hospital. She was released on Monday and had an MRI and another test on Tuesday and a PET scan before the appointment. The pulmonologist said it is in both lungs and that there are satellite tumors in the brain (which is causing short term memory loss; which I have noticed for months) and a spot in the liver. I pray this is not connected to the rest of it and can be treated.

The pulmonologist will see a board of cancer specialists tomorrow who deal with cancer cases and tell us what they said and recommend. We will take it from there. Please keep her in your prayers.

I have a difficult time doing anything and wanting to do anything. I have so much anxiety and fear like I have never had in my life about anything. Fortunately I have siblings who are helping her also. My Dad has been gone for 15 years and losing him was awful too. This is bringing up old emotions about him.

I am also crying thinking about things I did and said that I never should have and apologizing for them. And thanking my Mom for all she has done for me. In fact, I have been doing this for a long time. Way before any of this happened. I just hope my siblings are doing the same. Lately, I have been feeling like such a jerk for all the phone calls, messages she left, etc. that I completely took for granted. And for my selfishness and selfish behavior at times.

Knowing that she is going through this and knowing there is little that can be done is killing me. She is stronger than all of us and is being extremely brave (as my Dad was). I am trying to be strong and have cried a lot these past days. It is definitely anticipatory grief and mourning. I simply cannot imagine and cannot accept life without my best friend who has been in my life since day 1.

Sorry this is so long. I just had to tell my story. Any and all input is welcome. No, I am not a "Mama's boy". She is simply my best friend and always has been and always will be.

[loulou]

welcome aquarius..I'm an aquarius too.I'm so sorry your on this site.Hopefully,it can help you,as it has helped me.From the day I was born my dad was my best and dearest friend.I know the closeness you are speaking of.My father died of a heart-attack in Jan.I spoke to him a few times that day,and then,just like that,he was dead.I still cant believe it,and I'm still not ok.The fact he died of a heart-attack,to me is a blessing.I absolutely can't imagine watching a parent suffer like that.The only thing is that I didn't get to say ANYTHING I wish I could have.I have no advice for you.I just feel for you,and want you to know that you can express your pain here,and we will listen and understand.You said you already have been thanking her for all she has done.Keep doing that,as that is what I wish I could have done.When you talk of feeling bad for things you said or did..I do that.My father used to call me so much that me and my boyfriend used to make fun of it.To just have one of those calls,now...the tears are rolling down my face just thinking of it.I miss him.My grandma died of cancer,and my father took care of her until the end.I think it helped him to know that he was there for her until he could no longer be.Please keep us posted on how you are,and how she is.goodluck to you. p.s.There is nothin wrong with being a mama's boy.I will always be daddys girl:(

[SHeiss]

Aquarius,

I am so sorry to hear of your mothers’ illness. Welcome to the site! I hope you find as much comfort here as I do. I know how you feel because I have been experiencing the same thing for some months now.

I have been experiencing anticipatory grief since September 28th 2009 when we found out that my dad has stage 4 non small cell lung cancer. It has metastasized into his lymph nodes. It is a very scary and painful experience and it has not gotten any better for me. I am the strong one in my family. I have to be the shoulder to lean on. I am the glue/crutch of our family. I stay strong for my mom and my sisters and I try to make them feel better. Then I go home every night and cry because I am scared and in pain too. I feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest. I felt like I had nobody to turn to until I found this site. This site has helped me by just letting me vent and talk to a crowd that is very open and non-judgmental of my feelings. My first post helped me so much – even if nobody had read it, at least I got it off my chest.

Again, I am so very sorry about your mother. All I can say is just to be there for her. You can’t change the past – you can only make what you can out of he present. Make sure she knows you love her and that you think of her as your best friend!! Keep us posted about your mom and how she is doing. You are a great son from what I can tell! If you ever need an ear to just listen or if you want someone to just scream at I know I am here for you!!!

-Sharla

[niamh]

hi Aquarius,

welcome to what I consider my life line in grief these days. I am so sorry for what you have to go through with your Mom right now. I can't imagine, I lost my Dad suddenly (like my dear friend loulou here ) just before Christmas.

you will find so many special people here who will relate to you and I hope it can bring you some tiny bit of comfort to know you are not completely alone in this.

I hope you get to spend lots of time with her, caring for her, chatting with her, loving her, just being there with her.

I can't write much more right now, my head is all over the place at the mo !!

Keep posting here, come share with us and here's a (((hug)))

niamh