Finally Dealing With My Father's Death And Trying To Reclaim My Li

[LAB]

Hi,

I am new to this site, but I sought out a site like this because therapists, for the most part have not experienced the losses we have all felt. I lost my father November 8, 2004, three days after my 18th birthday. He died of Pulmonary Fibrosis. His death was sudden, due to the fact he was misdiagnosed. Once they discovered what was truly wrong, he was not strong enough to go through the necessary treatment. He was only 54.

I was a senior in high school when he passed. I graduated and went on to a great college. I talked to a doctor after he died, but I did not stick with it. During my junior year of college, I think the whole reality of his death finally hit me, and I shut down. I experienced a lot of the similar feelings others had on this site before then, lack of motivation, sadness, and thoughts about him not being able to walk me down the aisle or meet my kids. Everything just seemed so much more intense, 3 years later.

Now, I have since transferred schools because my grades and relationships with friends deteriorated so much. My new school is not prestigious,like my first one and makes me feel like a failure. I am 23 but I feel like my life is out of control. I have no idea when I am going to graduate, I rarely see friends, and I feel like I do not know who I am anymore. Counseling is expensive, as is medication, and I do not know how to begin to get myself back together. I am at the point where I cry everyday when I think about how my father is not here. Everything I do I think about how disappointed he'd be if he were here. I am scared that my grief is becoming an excuse.

My father was so accomplished, intelligent, and overall great person, and his death is tearing me and my life apart. If anyone has had a similar experience or has any advice, I am open to hearing anything. I just feel overwhelmed with grief and do not know how to get my life back on track. I just want to become someone my dad would be proud of and to become the person I know lives inside me somewhere.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

LAB

[niamh]

hi Lab,

Welcome to the site, I hope you may find a little comfort talking with us here just knowing you are not alone, that some of us may be able to relate to some of your feelings.

I am so sorry about your Dad. I just lost mine suddenly right before Christmas.

I am working and finding it very difficult so I can't even imagine how hard school is for you, to be able to focus on studying

etc. Sweetie, I wish you didn't feel like a failure, I'm not sure my words can stop you feeling like that but realise the

enormity of what happened to you, you lost your Dad, that is something so HUGE and it's something we will never ever get

over so it's not like you are just having a bad month, bad year, this is a lifelong change for us so of course it's going to have a huge impact on every aspect of our lives.

I wish we could have proof and I don't know what your beliefs are but there is no way your Dad is or would be disappointed with you. I bet he just wishes he could help you, comfort you and take away your pain. I too sometimes find myself thinking maybe I am letting my Dad down now that I just barely exist, nothing in the world makes me happy anymore and I don't even are about it but I think he understands, I feel he has to know the pain I have now and that i can't help it being so sad these days because he's gone, I had him for 34 years and poof he's gone in split seconds without warning. But I am doing the best I can and that's all he would want, getting out of bed and facing the day is a chore and I do it, so I tell myself it's good enough for me, it's good enough for my Dad and that's all that matters. I wish I had magic words for you but I don't. I'm only 5 months in but the way I feel , I think I will be like this forever while

I'm here.

Take things easy on yourself with school, can you just take a small number of classes to begin with (not sure what you are studying) but try not to put too much pressure on yourself.

3 years is still soon if you ask me, you had him for 18 years hun. Remember what you have already achieved, you

graduated high school after something so awful happening to you.

Chai is a girl on here who recently graduated after losing her Dad so maybe check out her posts, something might help you or just that you can relate to and know you're not alone, I don't know.

keep talking and sharing with us here, we are all here to listen,

hugs and love to you

niamh

[2sweetgirls]

Hi Lab,

I am so sorry for you and the loss of your dad. My heart really goes out to you. I lost my mom almost 6 months ago (in fact, today would have been her 77th birthday). I will be "celebrating" my 40th birthday next month, am having a hard time - sometimes harder than others - and can't even imagine how it would have been if I was 18 when she died. I agree with Niamh, you should be proud of yourself for making it as far as you did and I'm sure your dad would be MORE than proud of you too. Losing a parent is extremely hard. I don't even think there is a word in the english language that even compares to how one feels.

Maybe you can take a few classes, relax and decompress for a while and then possibly transfer back to the school of your choice. No one can tell you how to act or how to go on - if that is even possible.

As far as relationships and "friends", I have had a very close friend just really disappoint me after mom died. We are no longer friends. It's a shame but, again, we are almost 40 years old and I can't even imagine how an 18 year old would handle a friend who is in so much pain. I'm sorry for that.

I think it is easy to feel like you are out of control or that the grief is taking over. It's a lot of pressure. One day at a time is my only advice. Sometimes it's one moment at a time. Do you have anyone that you can talk to? In any event, you can always come to this site because we will band together and send you a great big hug (that's how I feel, at least).

Lab, hon, please don't beat yourself up so much. Your dad would be incredibly proud that you have made it this far. He knows how hard this is on you. He loves you. Take some time to just relax and hopefully soon you will feel like you can go on a bit more in peace.

I am not much of a writer but, this forum has helped me by reading, writing and just getting it out somehow. Please keep sharing it might help you to know that you are not alone - no matter how long it has been or how you are feeling.

Hugs and love to you!!!!

2sweetgirls

[loulou]

Lab..I'm also so sorry for your loss.I just lost my dad suddenly on NewYears.I'm devastated,heartbroken,and so so lost.I want to say that you have done so many good things since you lost your dad.You made it through highschool,and went on to collage.I'm sure your dad is so proud of you.That takes alot of strength,and you should be proud of yourself too.I also understand your "shutting down".I have done that,too.I have lost my friends,even family.You should not be hard on yourself,because you are in pain.Let yourself grieve for him at your own pace.I think thats the only way to heal.(If we ever heal from this).Your father does live inside you,and I have no doubt you are a beautiful,caring,strong,very intelligent,person.I know this is hard,I hope you keep coming to this site.It really does help to talk to people who are feeling the same way.Not alot of people in my life have lost someone they love,so its easy to feel alone.I feel bitter,too,that so many still have their parents.My dad was only 49 when he died.Its not fair,honey.I know your pain.You were very young to loose him.keep us posted on how you are,-lou