Resources I Have Tried

[nwnightowl]

Hello everyone.

For anyone out there who doesn't know me I am grieving the loss of my latest jack russell Harley who passed away on April 25th. I have been devestated by his loss, but I wanted to try and do something useful for others who are grieving the loss of a fur baby. Since Harley passed away I have been like a sponge looking for any infromation that might help. I have read 3 books to date and thought I would give quick reviews. I am not a professional reviewer but I thought I would share my insights. I have a stack of about 9 books I am working on so it may take a while to finish. Some of the books were recommended via Amazon, some from other threads on this site and some from other sites and some I found looking around online. Anyway I hope this might be helpful to someone out there looking for answers. I wish the pet board people were more active, it seems like a very quiet part of this message site. I hope you each find a little peace this week. I will update as I finish more books.

1. Waking Up, Climbing Through the Darkness by Terry Wise: I was disappointed in this book, I had really high expectations for it. It is about a woman who becomes suicidal after the death of her husband. I got it because after the death of my first dog I was suicidal and I thought this might offer some insight. It reads mostly like a tribute to her therapist, while I am glad she connected with her therapist, it didn't help me any. I was looking for more dialogue about how she felt and how she did things like managing to get up in the morning, and what I found wasn't that helpful. It reads well though, I give it a B.

2. Love Never Dies, A mother's journey from Loss to Love by Sandy Goodman: I liked this book alot, it deals with after death material, is also an easy read. I got several books about the death of children because a lot of the pet books didn't seem to go deep enough for me, I wanted resources that dealt with the magnitude of loss I am feeling and I thought child loss books would be the most relevant. A-

3. How to Survive your grief, when someone you love has died by Susan Fuller: This was a useful book for about 10 minutes. It deals with all the different things you might be feeling during grief, that part was helpful to know that I wasn't going crazy. The problem is she calls almost everything normal and says if you need help find a support group or therapist. I don't know what I expected from this book, but it left me wanting more. I guess I wanted something this book wasn't designed to offer. B-

My thoughts are not meant to offend anyone, I know we all grieve differently and a book I might not like might be the magic bullet for someone else. I merely wanted to offer some thoughts as I work through these resources. All the best, Elizabeth

[MartyT]

Thank you so much for taking the time to review and share your resources with us, Elizabeth. There is such a wealth of information "out there," and it's good to know what you've found helpful (or not) in your search. As you continue your exploration, be sure to check out our own Grief Bibliography post that lists books recommended by other members of our GHDG family.

(Over the years I've read a number of books specifically devoted to the subject of pet loss; you'll find my recommendations listed under the Books about Pet Loss section on the Articles ~ Columns ~ Books page of my Grief Healing Web site. You'll also find links to some useful information on my Pet Loss Articles page, and many inspirational thoughts, quotes and poems on my Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers page.)

[Maylissa]

Hi Elizabeth,

I can relate to your devastation and am so sorry you're having to experience the pain of losing your beloved Harley.

I'm barely ever here now, but just happened to catch your post and wondered if you'd read Animals and the Afterlife, by Kim Sheridan? (not, I don't think, listed in the recommended books thread here, but is included on Marty's Pet Loss links [here]. While it may not give you specifics on the "how-to" of surviving grief and loss, Kim's style of writing is nothing less than completely heartfelt, compassionate, empathetic and of course targeted to pet parents and our unique yet commonly-shared experiences. It's also an inspiring and comforting book overall, due to its main aim, that being the numerous stories submitted on ADCs from people's furchildren that show their souls, too, survive physical release of the body. Of all the books I'd read, this one is still among my top picks, where I discovered a definite kinship with Kim and her perspectives & feelings - that alone worth the read! At the time I read it, though, I hadn't experienced 'enough' ADCs from my furgirl, so in that respect it was a bit pain-inducing...but I'm very happy to say in time, all that changed and I've now documented pages upon pages of "signs" from both of my kidlets, who never fail me when I need them.

Kim's 2nd, follow-up book is still in the works & hasn't been released yet, as she's been busy making films (can't wait to see these!) as well as being involved in a few other projects. (she now has about 5 different websites)

Another couple of great books are Allen & Linda Anderson's "Saying Goodbye to Your Angel Animals" (more self-help focused, with lovely exercises) and "Maya's First Rose" by Martin Scot Kosins (recommended to me by Marty - THANK YOU, Marty!)...the latter personal story echoing (though not quite matching) the extent of care I'd given my own furgirl, and how his own canine companion became his entire world for a time, so really speaking deeply to me on that level. Some of his beautifully-worded sentiments express exactly my own feelings. I had to find Martin's book used, but SO worth the search. (I also like Sandy Goodman, for the "deepness" & particularly for her "afterlife" leanings)

I also wanted to say that, like you, I'd searched high and low for books, or merely sections of books, on "child loss," recognizing those to often hold the closest comparisons to furchild loss. Among the most helpful for me often ended up being those books (and websites, blogs, audios, etc.) by animal communicators, such as the acclaimed Teresa Wagner (who has several good aids for animal loss through her website; her newsletter is good, too), Rita Reynolds, Penelope Smith, and more. There are few (so far) in this world who understand such loss quite as well as these, who have, like myself, had deeply spiritual relationships with their animal companions that are on a par with, or even often superseding human relationships. Nor will one generally find minds (and hearts) as open as communicators, which is a great boon during grieving (or anytime!).

I'd also searched for a local therapist totally in-tune with this type of loss, but unfortunately the closest one who specialized in this was one Province away, so I used other less human-biased ones locally for other various aspects, failing the "all-in-one" package.

I'm sorry, too, that you're finding this forum less active than the others here - I can relate, though. Through all my various losses, I often found sometimes one has to take the initiative and thereby "drive" traffic to a certain extent...but I also found that doesn't always work, either. Sadly, sometimes it's just a matter of timing, as to how many folks are present &/or active &/or on the same wavelength as yourself.

Btw, I also pretty closely agree with your assessments on the 3 books you have read to date. Thanks for sharing and best of luck in your ongoing bereavement journey.

Many blessings to you and your angel furbaby,

Maylissa

[MartyT]

Maylissa, dear, it's always so good to "see" you here again! I love it when you stop by, and you always seem to pop up when we are most in need of you. Your input is always so helpful and appreciated, and your compassion toward bereaved animal lovers is palpable.

[Maylissa]

Ohhhhh, thanks so much, Marty. but also It's always so heartwarming to be appreciated and I miss you, too!

I sometimes loooong to get back here, and sort of take a breather from the daily business of staying aloft (through better times and otherwise), if you know what I mean...but I'm just too darn busy with this 'continuing life' stuff. But I'm still glad to be of help whenever I can, albeit pretty rarely these days. I think I still need another "me" to handle everything I'm interested in!

But Elizabeth's post tweaked my intuition, and I just followed. (I'm getting better at everything my furkids did their best to teach me!) So I hope it helps.

On a personal note (since I'm here anyway), I'm about to take a more local, animal-centered workshop in about a week (linked to my specific practice), but if I could have afforded it, I would have taken it down in Phoenix instead, where the teacher is based (much warmer than here lately, too!). It would have been super if I could have met you in person, though, in your own "stomping grounds." Maybe some day...

[nwnightowl]

Hi Maylissa,

Thank you so much for your reply. As soon as I stop crying I am going to look up some of the resources you listed. I so want to develop ADC with both Harley and my first dog who died Windsor. I hope I am intuitive enough, I'm starting from scratch. So far when I have asked Harley for signs he has come through, but I don't know what constitues an ADC. I'll take anything I can get at this point. My nickname for him was Doodle and one night I couldn't sleep and it was about 3 am and I turned on the tv to an old episode of Cheers, I never watch Cheers at 3 am and at that moment they had this dialogue on about cheese doodles and they kept saying Doodle, Doodle, Doodle, I like to think he gave me the idea to turn on the tv so I would know he heard me, I mean there was probably only one Cheers episode in it with 3 doodles in it. The past few days have been super hard and I have been in meltdown mode again. Saturday night I was just sobbing and one of my other dogs came over and put his paw on my shoulder to comfort me.

I really suck at the whole death thing. I don't do loss well, I'm not well adjusted in this area. Well I just wanted to thank you for your thoughts and comments, I can't wait to look up some of the stuff you suggested. Thank you so much for sharing, I hope your journey continues to expand, I get the feeling it never really ends. All the best, Elizabeth

[Maylissa]

Hi Elizabeth,

You're very welcome, and I hope whatever helps, helps.

I also liked Allson DuBois' "We Are Their Heaven."

I read with great interest your clear ADC from Harley! That example is exactly the kind of thing that constitutes a personalized SIGN. We don't do ourselves any favours when we discount, or doubt, these various ways and means our beloveds use to "get our attention." As they say, just "go with it," acknowledge and thank your boy for sending it, and simply plant the seed of the idea in your mind that you want to stay aware of whatever might be sent your way. I don't believe you have to really deliberately induce your intuition per se...because it already exists within. But it helps to simply acknowledge and allow for it - it will show you its existence, just by not discounting it. (it's just like a muscle that needs to be exercised by regular use)

Besides, some ADCs don't depend on any kind of 'perfect' state of mind, I've discovered. While being more restful, peaceful &/or open can certainly help, I've also experienced some signs during decidedly agitated or depressed states, too. My boy is better at coming through in those times than my girl is, mind you, as their abilities to do so are still very individual. In earthly life, my girl's energy was...'softer,' and she was more subtle in her ways than her bolder, brasher brother was (whose energy was also harder to miss)....and so it remains in their other-worldly existence. This was hard for me to accept, for quite awhile, because I wanted the SAME signs from my girl as I'd received from my boy. But once I finally settled into that acceptance, I began getting MORE of her subtler signs, more often...I'm sure that was also a grateful "thank-you!" and "good for you!" from her, for that bit of mindful advancement.

If you're not sure of all the means used by our loved ones, you could try Googling "common after death communications" (or similar phrases) and read through/view samplings of what comes up - there are quite a number of links now, as compared to even just a few years ago. While it's not as easy (yet!) to find direct links to animal ADCs, if you're searching for them, over time, they'll find you. Also, as with the grief books, pay attention to ADCs from children, as children's and animals' souls are very similar in many ways, so you can extrapolate from those.

I'm not surprised that your other doggie is trying to help you with your grief. Animals do this so well and love us SO beautifully! But remember, your lives together are a SHARED journey, and they may need your help as much as you need theirs. Since the animals most often mirror what's going on within US, it's good to stay aware of how we may be affecting them, and as we know, helping others often lends us more healing for ourselves. For example, it was mainly my girl who ended up getting me through several other losses, partly because I had to look after her and her (increased) needs all during my own devastation(s), and partly because my intense love for HER ended up taking precedence, when push came to shove. The expanded love I received from her in return purrfectly echoed one of the greatest lessons she'd always modeled for me throughout our life together -- giving is the SAME as receiving (within). So wherever we're most naturally drawn to give, we'll find more healing, and more love, in return. That said, in grief, we often don't have much to give, but just do the best you can with that, one moment at a time and cut yourself some slack as needed.

I don't think most of us "do loss well," frankly, because, in a very small nutshell, we've (in this culture) made the idea of physical death into something to be utterly terrified of, and that can be a very hard concept to undo. But here, too, imo, those souls in animal 'clothing' are our greatest teachers. In brief, if you start reading more from ACers (communicators), you might find that kind of perspective changes over time.

I believe you're right, too, about our journey never really ending at all, but only expanding to encompass more and more...if we're open to it. My kidlets (and others along the way, both still here & transitioned) proved to me (as much as I personally needed) that life doesn't end with the giving up of the body...but that doesn't mean I don't still miss them being here physically. I do, every day and in countless ways. But it's easier to live with now for the most part.

Have your meltdowns whenever you need them, as they're part of the journey, of not just bereavement, but also of the duality we face on this plane. There's no seeming 'lack' in you and in fact, there's very much expansion already present, for having opened your heart to the love of your animals, rather than reserving it only for your own species. Your heart's a treasure, Harley knows it, your other furries know it, and that's why they were with you...and still are.

Take tender care,

Maylissa

Oops, I forgot to mention this other link. I'd looked into IADC therapy awhile ago, but never could travel to avail myself of the closest therapist that offered this newer treatment. However, I've just found someone else who's written a book (due out this fall) on her own 'tweaking' of this method. So if you're interested in another possible book...

Afterlife Connections by a Grief Therapist, Rochelle Wright, M.S.

[nwnightowl]

Hi Maylissa,

Thank you for the additional resources. I'm sitting here crying again, that seems to be all I excel at right now. I had a wonderful dream about Harley a few weeks ago that he came back. He was always very vocal, he let it be known when he wanted something, so I am hoping he will continue to use his voice from wherever he is. The last book I read only mentioned the names of two of my doggies, Harley and Casper, and they looked almost like twins, I used to call them my bookends. It was just odd that out of the 8 doggies I've had those two words were mentioned, and I was reading about one of the authors of another book and in the back it said she liked spending time with her Harley. I trully believe I will see my furbabies again some day, if I didn't I wouldn't be able to survive. I miss the two that have passed away so much. I so want to know that they are OK and thriving. I feel like I could have done so much better as a pet parent, they were so perfect and then they got me. Part of me just wants to go and be with them. Dover was Harley's best doggie friend. He has been heartbroken. Sad Dover is almost more than I can handle. He gets a toy from Harley every Sunday now, it is our new ritual we go to the pet store. Before he died Harley told the pet communicator that he wanted to be remembered by buying a dog that needs one a toy, Dover doesn't need one, but he likes them and they were best buds so I figure Harley would approve. I am thinking of doing a toy drive in his honor later this year and giving to several animal shelters, but I have to get myself pulled together first. You sound way more pulled together than me at the moment. Which gives me hope. I so want to know that people find a way to be happy again. I cry at the drop of a hat now. Harley used to love McDonald's, you should have seen how long it took me to be able to order at the drive through again. I drove by the park where I met him the other day and lost it. I have a really hard time with pictures right now, they all make me cry. I really thought I would be cried out by now, but apparently not. I'm going to keep plugging along with the books and the ADC, I really want to explore that. Until I picked up the Love Never Dies book I didn't really know about the ADC area, I knew who John Edwards was but I thought you needed special gifts to be able to do it. I'm hopful that I will be able to tune in to some things as I progress. I'm a newbie at this point. God I would give anything to be with him again, it hurts so much. Well, Lexi is hollaring for food so I better go feed my peeps some dinner. Thank you again for the info and support it means more than you may ever know. All the best, Elizabeth

[nwnightowl]

Maylissa,

I think Harley sent me a rainbow. I'm reading the book right now about the rainbow colors and grief and I was sitting on the sofa crying and I looked up and there was a beautiful rainbow right there I'm giving him credit anyway. Have a great night, Elizabeth

[MartyT]

Elizabeth, dear ~

You may be interested in this announcement, from Animal Spirit Healing & Education Network:

AC101: Communicate with Animals ~ An Introduction (FREE teleclass; Welcome!)

Description:

Internationally available teleclass.

*Special "THANK YOU For JOINING US" Gift:

For those registering for this AC101 class, we are offering a $20 gift for an Animal Communication Level 1 In-Person Course ~OR~ a Level 1 Teleclass. (Gift details will be provided to participants upon registration.)

Date of Class: Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Time: 8:00pm-9:00pm Central Time

Instructor: Kristin Thompson

Course Tuition: Open registration at no charge / Welcome to Animal Spirit Network!

Class Description Link: http://animalspiritn...ntry.php?id=620

Each class meeting runs for: 60 minutes

Click this link to e-mail us: Animal Spirit Healing & Education Network Admin

[nwnightowl]

Hi Marty,

Thanks so much for the info, I didn't know about them. I am going to try the class this evening. I am excited to have another resource. All the best, Elizabeth

[Maylissa]

Hi Elizabeth,

Oh, how lovely! That's exactly how signs often work -- beautifully serendipitously, timed "just right" and meaningfully tied to what's going on around & within. So, see?...you didn't have to DO anything at all, except have your heart center open. Way to go, for both Harley and you!

My own kids have used rainbows countless times, in much the same way...purrfectly timed, &/or when I asked for one. I often get double rainbows, too - one from each of them, so I'm shown they're both with me at the same time. In fact, there hasn't been even one trip so far where I haven't received at least one occurrence of them. The most amazing one occurred when coming back from a little trip we took (when my kids are guaranteed to come with me), where I was upset because I HADN'T been sent one yet, unlike every other trip. I needn't have worried. We were about 1/2hr. away from home when I asked, out loud, "Hey, you guys, where's my rainbow sign???" Within one minute, one appeared to my right. Within another minute, that disappeared and another one appeared, to my left. And then, the absolutely BIGGEST and most spectacular rainbow either of us have ever seen anywhere, showed up minutes later. It was a massive double, with an large, darker area in between the two, fully visible (from where WE were, anyway) from one end to the other, and even colouring the treeline/objects at the ground on each end. My husband remarked that it looked just like "a bridge," it was so vivid and solid-looking. I said, "Yahhhh....a Rainbow Bridge!" I just knew this one was extra-meaningful, and it was...

You see, unbeknownst to us at the time, a neighbourhood feline buddy of ours who'd been virtually living at our house for most of that year (due to neglect at his 'home'), was suddenly missing upon our return. He'd been whisked away (to a humane society, and on that very day) by a real estate agent who'd been "managing" his people's rented house. The husband had totally trashed the house (apparently about 2 wks before this), then took off and abandoned &/or let loose likely all of their 7 or 8 animals. Our buddy wasn't locked up & abandoned inside only because he'd been at our house at the time. Finally, this 2 wks later, the agent opened up the house to find 2 of the animals left inside (with little to no sustenance), and our buddy outside, trying to get into his garage (where he and his other feline pal had to live, normally). But it took me 3 weeks more to find out exactly what had happened to our buddy, and no, he wasn't dead (thank goodness!), but his feline pal almost undoubtedly was killed by the humane society. Our buddy was adopted out again, but for several weeks there, my heart was broken, not even knowing where he was...so this spectacular rainbow ended up also being like a "promise" that he wouldn't end up dead, too.

I always remember, too, once reading about how special rainbows are, irrespective of any other meaning, in that it's a little miracle to even SEE them, as one has to be in just the right place at the right time in order for that to even happen. That little factual tidbit only reinforces the idea of them being divinely placed for us.

I'm also so pleased to see you're going to try that class with ASN. I've been a subscriber/member with ASN for quite awhile now, and they're a great group. (excellent suggestion on Marty's part) Kristin is a very organized and lovely presenter. You might even wish to check out or join their annual "Animal Spirit Cafe´," as it's packed with information and, if a member, you get free (& archived, for later listening) talks each month & more. (Teresa Wagner also does a few free talks through them, which are not to be missed, she's so wonderful)

[nwnightowl]

Maylissa,

I never thought about the double rainbow that way. I saw one a few weeks after Harley died, maybe it was him and Windsor together, I like that idea. I just finished the teleclass from ASN, thank god for mute since I cried through half of it. I just hope Harley can forgive me for mistakes I made, I so wish I could have been better. He seemed so much better at his job then I was at mine. I have so much to learn.

A friend of mine asked me if in retrospect I thoght I had ever heard from Windsor and I told her I felt him next to me one night and last night for a fraction of a second I could feel Harley's energy right next to me, like him going me too, me too. I just wish I felt like I would be able to handle this better some day. I'm such a mess right now. I'm holding on for dear life. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me, it helps to have validation of my experiences at this point. I want to learn so much more. Most of all I want to know that he is OK. Thanks bunches, Elizabeth

[MartyT]

Elizabeth, dear ~ Maybe this push you feel "to learn so much more" and know that Harley is okay stems from your efforts to make some sense out of this loss. Mess or not, you are right where you are supposed to be. This is the hardest work you will ever do, and you'll never, ever be the same ~ but over time, you can and you will find a way to make meaning from this horrible experience . . .

[Maylissa]

I wanted to add to what Marty just said, and some other things.

For me, in case you've not read any of my older posts, it's coming up to 4 long years with the loss of my beloved fur-daughter (and over a decade for my fur-son), and I still can't quite believe so much time has gone by already. In my heart, it only feels like a few long moments and I often wonder how I ever made it this far. Even though intellectually, I can go back and chart my course to see "how" I did that, in some ways it's still a mystery. After reading through most of your exchanges with other members here (some wonderful sharing there!), it still amazes me how I can still find help for my own pain from what certain other people share, and how it can take me right back in time, yet also be rather 'spliced' into the Present at the same moment. (you've had some really fine helpers/fellow grievers here, I have to say!)

But I know you've been worried, just as I was & still am to some degree, about how you're to survive that long, feeling as you do right now. I never thought I'd get to the (moving) point where I could tell anyone that it does "get better," but I'm at the beginning of saying so now, and actually meaning it. Some days are still harder than others of course, but it isn't anywhere near as grueling or utterly searing a pain as it was, that's for certain. It just takes as long as it takes, for each of us, individually, and depends, too, on whatever else is adding to our burden along the way. For me, I also had "complicated grief," as others have had, too, and that does make it more difficult...but not "impossible," one word that described how I felt back then about the task of grieving.

Another thing that helped me during the most intense periods of pain was the eventual thought that I'd rather have that pain, rather than not have what I'd had to give rise to it. While I also, at the same time, wanted to simply give up my body and be with my kids again (and can still feel that way at times; usually when things aren't going as well as hoped), I also couldn't have imagined how hollow and empty my life would have been without them, of all (fur)people. I wouldn't trade the love and intensely close spiritual bond we had with each other for ANYTHING else this world has to offer, because it has shaped me into who I am, and I'd hate to think of who I might have been otherwise. Somehow, that helped me accept a bit better that to have experienced all that, I had to have been in this world, and so did they...so the sheer torture of their passings felt...more than appropriate, and I incorporated that extreme pain into being a part of the whole picture of our ONGOING relationship. In other words, that pain became just as SACRED to me as the joy had been, because it was about and for my kids, and that made it a wee bit easier to bear. Would we really want it to be too "easy" right from the start? or would that instead reflect, in our minds, how little someone meant to us? I hope this is coming across as I mean it.

It also helped to find out, over time, that even the greatest sages from the past had experienced terrible, personal grief in their own lifetimes...so how 'superior' could we think we could be, given that? They survived the pain, and so do we.

I also know how, even WHEN we experience our kids with us (through signs, feelings, etc.), it doesn't really help much, if at all in the beginning, for all we really want is to have what we had before, and nothing else will do! It's almost like a horrible tease, sometimes even making the pain of missing them worse. But for me, as time wore on and I processed more and more, and did things to help myself, even that gradually turned into more of a feeling of gratitude and warmth, and of knowing that my kids were there, trying to help me go through what I needed to. Unlike many, I never felt "bad" or guilty that I wasn't able to feel happier, because I knew THEY knew me better than anyone and they'd understand fully why I was in such pain. As always, they'd be patient with me, hugely-loving souls that they are.

But Marty mentioned finding or making "meaning" in a loss. It would take me pages to describe my own, personal path with that, but suffice to repeat what I'd already said - my kids shaped me into who I am, bless their divine, fuzzy hearts, and also, throughout their lives here, led me to what I'm doing with my life NOW. If not for them, I can't even imagine what kind of meaningless, shallow existence and hollow work I might be doing, or the 'surface' types of people I'd be involved with. They were and still are my "saviors," in a word. And although it may still be hard to carry on without them physically here, I can at least say my life hasn't been without deep, richly spiritual and glorious, universally-meaningful purpose, even if I never really get to 'finish' what I've set out to do in this lifetime. But even this one step or part of this grief journey, takes time and effort, so when Marty says grieving is the "hardest" work you'll ever do, I'd say that's an understatement that no one really 'gets' until they've experienced it for themselves. It truly is, and has to be, taken one moment at a time...and isn't that how our furkids lived for the most part?

From what I've read so far, I'd say Harley has come through for you a few times already, hoping to let you know he IS okay, so try to trust that he's there. After all, if he wasn't, he couldn't have been coming through as he has, right?...especially with this last sign of feeling his energy next to you. (it may take some time for this to really sink in) I know it's not the same as what you want, but isn't it better than nothing having shown up at all? Many people say they carry that extra burden and angst...and I feel so badly for them, wondering if they've just missed 'seeing' what was there. I haven't even gotten some of the ADC experiences I was not only fully expecting, but that some of my friends (and others) have received! So my advice would be to try to just accept whatever you DO get, just as I've had to do, and even though that still pains and frustrates me.

I also truly believe you'll learn exactly what you need to learn, AS you need it and WHEN you need it. It will come...and all in Divine Timing, built right into your grieving process. And yes, "thank God for MUTE!" I've used it often myself on those calls and have heard MANY people trying to speak through their tears! But glad you tried the class. "Some day" you'll be able to look back on your journey and recognize real progress and even forgive yourself for what you see as your shortcomings...the same ones that Harley most likely never even noticed, with his love for you outshining everything else.

P.S. And omg...saw his pic on your other thread, and what an adorable, absolutely 'munchable' boy he is! I can certainly see how much you've got to miss. SUCH a sweet face! If you don't mind me asking, did he like to "shred" things? Was he pretty feisty, but usually in spurts, yet also could be rather 'clingy' at times? I really think he's jumping up & down, trying to say, "I'm HERE! I'm HERE!" (i.e. next to you)

[nwnightowl]

Elizabeth, dear ~ Maybe this push you feel "to learn so much more" and know that Harley is okay stems from your efforts to make some sense out of this loss. Mess or not, you are right where you are supposed to be. This is the hardest work you will ever do, and you'll never, ever be the same ~ but over time, you can and you will find a way to make meaning from this horrible experience . . .

Hi Marty,

I am trying desperately to make sense out of all of this. I don't understand. Just like I don't understand why good people die early and some drug dealers and murderers die of old age. Harley was the sweetest, kindest soul I have ever known. It is a rare jack russell that you can throw into a group of already established jack russells and have them fit in from day 1. I'm trying to remain open to the process, but I can't possibly see anything good ever happening from this. Just like I don't understand why Harley can send signs and not stay longer. I want a little ghost Harley running around if I can't have the original. I've never wanted to see a ghost so much in my whole life. Thanks for the support and for spear heading this board, it is a great resource. Have a great weekend, Elizabeth

[nwnightowl]

I wanted to add to what Marty just said, and some other things.

For me, in case you've not read any of my older posts, it's coming up to 4 long years with the loss of my beloved fur-daughter (and over a decade for my fur-son), and I still can't quite believe so much time has gone by already. In my heart, it only feels like a few long moments and I often wonder how I ever made it this far. Even though intellectually, I can go back and chart my course to see "how" I did that, in some ways it's still a mystery. After reading through most of your exchanges with other members here (some wonderful sharing there!), it still amazes me how I can still find help for my own pain from what certain other people share, and how it can take me right back in time, yet also be rather 'spliced' into the Present at the same moment. (you've had some really fine helpers/fellow grievers here, I have to say!)

But I know you've been worried, just as I was & still am to some degree, about how you're to survive that long, feeling as you do right now. I never thought I'd get to the (moving) point where I could tell anyone that it does "get better," but I'm at the beginning of saying so now, and actually meaning it. Some days are still harder than others of course, but it isn't anywhere near as grueling or utterly searing a pain as it was, that's for certain. It just takes as long as it takes, for each of us, individually, and depends, too, on whatever else is adding to our burden along the way. For me, I also had "complicated grief," as others have had, too, and that does make it more difficult...but not "impossible," one word that described how I felt back then about the task of grieving.

Another thing that helped me during the most intense periods of pain was the eventual thought that I'd rather have that pain, rather than not have what I'd had to give rise to it. While I also, at the same time, wanted to simply give up my body and be with my kids again (and can still feel that way at times; usually when things aren't going as well as hoped), I also couldn't have imagined how hollow and empty my life would have been without them, of all (fur)people. I wouldn't trade the love and intensely close spiritual bond we had with each other for ANYTHING else this world has to offer, because it has shaped me into who I am, and I'd hate to think of who I might have been otherwise. Somehow, that helped me accept a bit better that to have experienced all that, I had to have been in this world, and so did they...so the sheer torture of their passings felt...more than appropriate, and I incorporated that extreme pain into being a part of the whole picture of our ONGOING relationship. In other words, that pain became just as SACRED to me as the joy had been, because it was about and for my kids, and that made it a wee bit easier to bear. Would we really want it to be too "easy" right from the start? or would that instead reflect, in our minds, how little someone meant to us? I hope this is coming across as I mean it.

It also helped to find out, over time, that even the greatest sages from the past had experienced terrible, personal grief in their own lifetimes...so how 'superior' could we think we could be, given that? They survived the pain, and so do we.

I also know how, even WHEN we experience our kids with us (through signs, feelings, etc.), it doesn't really help much, if at all in the beginning, for all we really want is to have what we had before, and nothing else will do! It's almost like a horrible tease, sometimes even making the pain of missing them worse. But for me, as time wore on and I processed more and more, and did things to help myself, even that gradually turned into more of a feeling of gratitude and warmth, and of knowing that my kids were there, trying to help me go through what I needed to. Unlike many, I never felt "bad" or guilty that I wasn't able to feel happier, because I knew THEY knew me better than anyone and they'd understand fully why I was in such pain. As always, they'd be patient with me, hugely-loving souls that they are.

But Marty mentioned finding or making "meaning" in a loss. It would take me pages to describe my own, personal path with that, but suffice to repeat what I'd already said - my kids shaped me into who I am, bless their divine, fuzzy hearts, and also, throughout their lives here, led me to what I'm doing with my life NOW. If not for them, I can't even imagine what kind of meaningless, shallow existence and hollow work I might be doing, or the 'surface' types of people I'd be involved with. They were and still are my "saviors," in a word. And although it may still be hard to carry on without them physically here, I can at least say my life hasn't been without deep, richly spiritual and glorious, universally-meaningful purpose, even if I never really get to 'finish' what I've set out to do in this lifetime. But even this one step or part of this grief journey, takes time and effort, so when Marty says grieving is the "hardest" work you'll ever do, I'd say that's an understatement that no one really 'gets' until they've experienced it for themselves. It truly is, and has to be, taken one moment at a time...and isn't that how our furkids lived for the most part?

From what I've read so far, I'd say Harley has come through for you a few times already, hoping to let you know he IS okay, so try to trust that he's there. After all, if he wasn't, he couldn't have been coming through as he has, right?...especially with this last sign of feeling his energy next to you. (it may take some time for this to really sink in) I know it's not the same as what you want, but isn't it better than nothing having shown up at all? Many people say they carry that extra burden and angst...and I feel so badly for them, wondering if they've just missed 'seeing' what was there. I haven't even gotten some of the ADC experiences I was not only fully expecting, but that some of my friends (and others) have received! So my advice would be to try to just accept whatever you DO get, just as I've had to do, and even though that still pains and frustrates me.

I also truly believe you'll learn exactly what you need to learn, AS you need it and WHEN you need it. It will come...and all in Divine Timing, built right into your grieving process. And yes, "thank God for MUTE!" I've used it often myself on those calls and have heard MANY people trying to speak through their tears! But glad you tried the class. "Some day" you'll be able to look back on your journey and recognize real progress and even forgive yourself for what you see as your shortcomings...the same ones that Harley most likely never even noticed, with his love for you outshining everything else.

P.S. And omg...saw his pic on your other thread, and what an adorable, absolutely 'munchable' boy he is! I can certainly see how much you've got to miss. SUCH a sweet face! If you don't mind me asking, did he like to "shred" things? Was he pretty feisty, but usually in spurts, yet also could be rather 'clingy' at times? I really think he's jumping up & down, trying to say, "I'm HERE! I'm HERE!" (i.e. next to you)

Hi Maylissa,

I am hoping that Harley will find ways to stay around longer as he gets used to being a spirit. I told Marty I want a little ghost Harley running around. This week has been really hard, they are all hard, but I think last weekend set me back. I would never have wanted to have not known Harley, he was such a precious gift. One of the things that keeps me going is thinking there might be another special one down the road for me to meet. Someone somewhere told me crying clenses your soul to which I answered I should be spotless by now. You asked about Harley, he was fiesty but in a bossy way, he was the one who was always bossing me around and telling me what he wanted. He talked a lot which makes his absence even more pronounced. He had the sweetest kindest sould I think I've ever known, there wasn't a mean bone in his body. I am really hoping he will make a return trip sometime and that somehow in this whole crazy world we will find each other. I really need him to come back. He got a raw deal, he was my special needs doggie, he had more health problems in one body than a whole pack of dogs should have. It was so unfair. Everything is all out of sorts now. It's like the universe sucked Harley out of the house and created this vortex, the energy is all off, things just aren't right.

It's been a hard 17 months for me, it seems like one punch after the other. Right now one of my other dogs is recuperating from a broken leg. I am so tired. I wish there was a way to take a vacation from grief. At this point I would be happy to know that someday I might stop crying. I found something neat online today. I was at the Things Remembered web site and you can design your own charm bracelet and they have doggie cahrms, so I am going to get one and get a charm for each pup, that way they can always be with me.

I hope you have had a good week and I hope you have a great weekend. I might be taking one of my pups to an agility trial this weekend, he really has fun at those. Thanks again, Elizabeth