Could I Still Be Griefing Over My Dad After 22 Years Of Being Dead?

[megan]

I am 24 years old and i lost my father when i was 3 years old. I have a lot of hatered built up towards my mother and stepfather and i want to no how to get rid of it or will it never go away. The reason why i think i have all this bult up is becuase just after 3 years of my father passing i was forced to call another man dad and never had any closer on my fathers death. when i go to ask my mom questions about him all she wants to do is tell me about all the wrong that my father did and then wont say no more i dont speak dont to my father side of the family and my stepfather was always mean to me and would speak bad about my father...is there any help that i can get or how do i deal with this. i feel that my mom is not a mom and that she is just a nobody. could that be because of my dads death or something more? I have a older sister and she doesnt have the same feelings i do, could that be because she was older when my father passed and got to no him? I am confused and just looking for closer. I dont no what i am looking for.

[Ron B.]

Hi Megan. I think you are absolutely right in trying to remove intense negative emotion out of your life. These emotions, like anger and hatred, can wreck our own peace of mind and make our lives hellish. And yes there are ways of rooting out this negative emotion.

The most direct approach is to get professional help from a psychologist, psychiatrist, or counselor. Not everybody can get this kind of help, because it can cost both your time and money. Some people are able to find good support through other family, relatives, and friends. This forum can also be a good resource. The main thing is to start talking, get feedback from others, and make your own decisions about what to do.

I agree completely that you are entitled to discover the legacy of your father on your own terms. You do not have to believe any version of events or history handed down to you with prejudice by your mother or stepfather. It is probably very painful just trying to understand why your mother and stepfather have this prejudice. They may be completely wrong, but figuring that out is part of what will free you. When you can put together a more honest picture of who your dad was, then you will get some of the closure your are seeking.

The reason I responded to your post is that I too have been coping with serious negative emotion. I have had such anger towards my sister that I did not speak to her for 7 years. I am really trying to heal that, but it is difficult. In the last few months I've been getting professional help. I've also been posting in this forum and reading self-help literature. I suppose the briefest description of what I've been told and what I've been trying to do is "letting go". Letting go of my anger, letting go of wrongs that happened long ago. None of this is easy. I've been trying to practice 'forgiveness' too, and this helps free me from constantly dwelling on past events that caused me so much pain.

With a little guidance you will be able to work through issues with your father, mother, and stepfather. There are plenty of compassionate people who will support you in your journey through grief. There is plenty of love in the world, and no good reason to be consumed by anger and hatred.

Ron B.

[megan]

Thank you so much for your response, that gives me great hope that I will find some light at the end of my journey. I am not to sure if I will be able to turn my family for any help in the family because no one seems to understand me. They think that I am jus this anger person that hates everyone. I no longer speak to my mother or stepfather, we cant come to terms with each other. The only person that I feel that I can turn to is my sister but, she can only tell me so much because she was 7 when he passed. So she has told me stories what her and my dad use to do together and would show me pictures of him and that made me feel good but its like I have a emptiness inside of me still...Can you tell me what self help books you have been reading that has helped you out?

Thank you again,

Megan

[MartyT]

Megan, dear ~ You will find dozens of reviewed and recommended resources on our Death of a Parent page. See also our Grief Bibliography, which contains a list of books recommended by our own Discussion Group members.

You might also find this thread helpful: Anger, Rage and Helplessness

♥

[megan]

Thank you