melina Posted August 7, 2010 Report Share Posted August 7, 2010 My husband of 29 years, who was my soulmate, my lover and best friend died suddenly two days ago. I am left behind in utter agony and unbelievable pain. His four sons (19 - 26) are also completely devastated. He was diagnosed with lung cancer, though a never-smoker, last summer, and went through radiation, chemo, pneumonia and other setbacks. We were both exhausted, but were given lots of hope that he would either beat this thing or at least be able to manage it over years. He was a strong, healthy, active man. We went to the U.S. this summer for our son's wedding. He was more or less fine when we went, but started having breathing problems there. When we returned he was heaving for breath. We drove home from the airport, and straight to the hospital, where they told us it was pneumonia. They treated him for it, and things looked good. We thought he was coming home then, but then things got worse, he stopped responding and suddenly he died. It turned out there was another hidden cancer which couldn't be treated. I'm in shock, and feel unbelievable pain and grief. I also feel enormous guilt that I wasn't more responsive to his needs before he died. The physical therapist told us he needed to start moving around and doing things for himself to get his muscles working better, so I urged him to shower himself, walk around, etc - even though he seemed tired. We all thought he was coming home within a couple of days. I had planned on taking sick leave and helping him out at home until he got better. I had no idea he was going to die then. Why didn't I crawl into the hospital bed with him? Why didn't I hug him more? Why didn't I shower him? Why didn't I do the things the nurses were doing? I feel like such a horrible, insensitive wife. I loved him so much - he was my only love. I told him that, but I should have shown him more. We were all at his bedside when he died, but he was slipping in and out of consciousness. I don't know if he heard my words. I can't bear of the thought of living without him. All I want to do is die, but I can't give my kids more pain. It just seems impossible. The grief and guilt are overwhelming. They say you are visited by your dead loved one after their death - in dreams. But I haven't dreamt at all. I haven't seen him, or heard him. I can't wash his clothes, because I don't want to lose his smell. I can barely sleep. To sleep I need sleeping pills, alcohol and sedatives - even then I keep waking up. I feel I let him down when he needed me most. Why is this happening? Other people get to live long lives together. Friends and family who have spouses don't understand really. My husband was my closest companion. We were like one person. I am completely alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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