alone27

It's amazing to me how similar our feelings are - grief really does have some universal truths. My Joel has been gone 1 year and 2 months - some days it feels like yesterday; others like forever. What you all write so eloquently about is what I struggle to articulate - I do go on....I survive, I keep busy....but the joy is gone. I see friends, try to make new ones....but it all seems so empty. Folks tell me I will discover the 'new me' - reinvent myself. The truth is that idea holds very little interest for me. I know one day at a time is the only way....but, quite honestly, sometimes I'm so sick of hearing that.The days fly by with very little meaning. You are all so right - changed forever.It's so hard to believe that the time we had together is now only memories - the story is over - it went by in a blink. Joel once told a dying friend of ours to think of life as a dream - I didn't understand what he was getting at then - but now I do. My life plays out before me like a movie....and before you know it, it's over. Sorry for being so maudlin - it just matches my mood. I hadn't been on this cite for a long time....suddenly I felt the real need to 'talk' to people who truly 'get it'. I'm so sorry for all of our pain. Thank you for being able to say what I feel. It helps.

You are so exactly right with what you say. The pain is often intolerable - don't know how to manage it. I often wonder what I did (or he did) to deserve this (unanticipated) fate. Life has become existing. Daily things are what I must do to avoid the panic attacks. The devastation is so deep it seems unbearable. I am so sorry for all of us - what a horrible existence. I understand the meaning of hell on earth.

Pop Pop - My heart goes out to you. I know the pain seems as if it will simply overcome you - and, to a degree, it does. I am sad every day - and 5 months have elapsed since my darling husband of 45 years suddenly passed away. I have unbelievable anger and really have lost my faith - since everything was going so well, and then, in an instant, he was gone. I have no advice for you excpept to say that this site and the people on it really do understand and care - they have (probably unknowingly) seen me thru some incredibly difficult times. I pray that you feel some comfort. Roz

Melina - I agonize with you on your husband's passing. My darling Joel was taken unexpectedly, after he had gone thru 2 life changing events from which he recovered....supposedly perfectly. Five months later, I am still in shock and unbelieving that he isn't coming back. The words from the kind people on this site have helped me so much - while I still find myself empty, alone and lost, I know that there are many others who have walked/are walking in these shoes. Their understanding and kindness have been comforting. I hope you can take some of the words as well to get you through small periods of time. I believe that's the key - one small chunk of time at a time - it's a lonely existence - I can attest to that - but it's our only logical choice. Hugs, Roz

KayC - Thank you for such a thoughtful and caring message - I truly appreciate. Right now, it all seems so impossible to absorb - I'm so deeply depressed - but your words bring solace and comfort. I read all your responses carefully - they have so much wisdom and deep, genuine caring.......

It's been over 4 months that my Joel was taken unexpectedly and without warning. Everyone says "give yourself a break - it will take time to heal" I am functioning - working, meeting up with friends, spending time w/family, taking time for some solitude.....but I am not healing. Often, I feel as if the awful reality of his never coming back makes me close to insane - I want to scream, tug at my hair and yell at God or the Universe or whoever it was that gave us such false hope that everything was going so well then just took him away. I sometimes get this feeling in the pit of my stomach - this horrendous emptiness and hollowness that is so strong I feel as if I will lose my balance. Friends are at the "you must now start to define who you are" stage....I know they mean well, but I know who Iam - a woman who is seriously pining for her love of over 45 years. All the business is only a cover up for the unbearable loneliness I am feeling. What should I do? How do I cope? I've read many 'dealing with grief' books, been active in several group bereavement sessions, met with counselors 1 on 1....and I can still find no peace...no hope...he would not be happy that I'm inwardly unable to move forward. Can anyone help? Alone 27

Abbey - boy do I understand your feeling! I sometimes walk along muttering under my breath when I see a couple together 'why is he alive?' 'why didn't he go instead of my Joel?'....how awful is that?? There are times without warning, I literally lose it - can't keep myself together - just wondering how this could possibly be and why the Universe played such an evil trick on my husband - the most positive, well-meaning guy around. We were in the midst of celebrating our good fortune - terrific medical reports.....and then out of nowhere....over. It's been almost 4 months and I am unbelievably angry - and angry at people I don't even know! I share your pain and can't seem to move past it.. My thoughts are with you

Joe - isn't it amazing that absolute strangers, held together by the common bond of grief, can be so warm and comforting and caring? I can't get over how much their words have meant to me since my Joel died suddenly, without warning, in March. I thought then (and often do today) that life is no longer worth living - just surviving and existing. These friends of ours - who are at varying stages in this awful grief process - are so generous with their personal thoughts and feelings. I pray for you and for all of us. This feels like a cruel joke - I'm so angry I could scream....and I often do. Thank heaven we found this site and these people who really understand and want more than anything else to help..............

Oh Karen- don't even know if I responding to this correctly. Thank you for your kind thoughts - never thought talking to a stanger could yield such comfort - I have so identified with what you're going through and how you've expressed your sorrow. I so appreciate your words and thoughts - you are so right - only those of us who are going thru this horror understand....... Hugs back, Roz

Karen - you are so kind to ask! I was with my daughter and family and it made things bearable. Today, though, I had a total meltdown......couldn't stop crying - couldn't contain myself at work, while driving....I was a huge mess. Just think all the stress and anticipation finally caught up to me. What an ugly hand we've been dealt.....don't know if I'll ever get beyond simply existing - I miss him so terribly. Roz

Kay - It was a tough day....no surprise there. I did spend it with my daughter and her family and that helped. We went to visit Joel at the cemetery and spent some time just all being together. Today, though, must have been the backlash - I've been so unbearably sad - I seriously don't know how to deal with pain. I'm trying everything - staying busy, working, yet spending some alone time.....and I feel totally lost. Thank you for checking in - it means alot to me.

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. I am going through the motions - working, talking, breathing....even smiling sometimes. Today was particularly tough, but not so much different than every other day.....the profound sadness and feeling so lost and alone can bring me to my knees. How can this be a life?

To all my friends bonded together through grief- Tomorrow is Father's Day - and I am so frightened of facing it for the first time in almost 50 years without my Joel. We were HS sweethearts, so we began sharing this day together long before we were married with our dads, then as young marrieds, as parents ourselves, and as grandparents. Now, suddenly,he is gone - and with him,a huge part of me. My daughter wants to continue a long standng tradition of making brunch and enjoying some time together. I know this is so important to her and therefore I'll be there, but I am already feeling scared of the overwhelming emotions I'm experiencing.....I wish I could just disappear and hide. I miss him so desperately - I'm so angry (at who, I don't know)that he was taken so abruptly and suddenly. How do I/we ever get through this?

Cheryl - I so understand what you are saying! I too am trying everything - being busy, being alone; being totally involved, being totally reflective. It works for short spurts of time....nothing more. Then the unbearable pain returns and I say "how do I do this forever? I* don't want to". Joel too died suddenly - no warning, no signs, just gone. It's been 3+ months, and people comment frequently on 'what a strong woman I am". They are wrong. I am existing and doing what I have to in order to do that. I am totally devastated and can't see how I can ever hope to pick up the pieces. I feel your sadness and understand your deep grief. I share every moment with you.

It's less than 3 months since my Joel was taken from me - and while I'm seemingly 'moving along', I've never felt so alone and so full of despair. Our home - the one we loved - is now just a house. My beloved quiet evenings with him are now so lonely and empty. The thought of forever without him is just too heartbreaking - I can't face it, yet I can't run away from it either. I am thankful for my friends and famiy - and they are glad to see me 'improving' - they just don't/ can't know the depth of this hurt. Knowing that you are reading this and understand is somehow comforting.......

Hi Bill - Totally understand your feelings of being lost - with all the well intentioned friends and family around me, I still feel as if a huge chunk of me is missing - a hole in my body that just can't get filled. My darling Joel passed away totally unexpectedly on March 5th - thought we had so much to look forward to, so many more years to share....even though we were High School sweethearts and were married 44 years, saw a future together. I was wrong....and I am so angry (at exactly who, I don't know) that our hopes and dreams were just smashed. Seeing a grief counselor 1 on 1 has been of some comfort - at least I can say all the weird things I'm feeling without feeling ashamed or embarrassed. I wish you and all the people who are moving through the grief process with us on this forum, some peace. I fe3el as if I am existing, but not living.

Closs, I really do feel your pain - and it can feel unbearable. My husband too died suddenly - had both heart surgery and bladder cancer in the same year = but came through both with flying colors - all reports were excellent - and then one day he died - just like that. We were married for 44 years - high school sweethearts - so I know the terrible void you're feeling...... me too. My husband passed away in early March - and the loss feels staggering. People tell me 'one day at a time' but I think it's more like 1 hour at a time. The grief washes over me sometimes so violently it takes my breath away. I'm hoping that I can get through this - sometimes I* truly doubt it. I will pray for the samething for you. Alone 27

Thank you all for your kind words - I'm still in a state of disbelief......waiting for our # to show up on an incoming call and know it's him.He was always concerned about me - was I worrying too much? Was I handling things appropriately? More than anything in the world, I miss the touch of his hand - always there to anchor me. He was doing so well - we were filled with hope - all reports were great. Then, suddenly, he didn't return a call....not at all like my Joely. When I found out he missed a routine Dr's appt I immediately knew he was dead......and, it was so. It was like a bad cosmic joke - build us up, give us hope, then this. He taught others how to live - he was positive and full of love for life. He carried around a fortune cookie saying that simply said......"just living is a wonderful thing!" That was Joely....and now he's gone.

My darling husband passed away unexpectedly on March 5th. He had a tough 2009 - aortic valve replacement and bladder cancer diagnosis 7 months later - but was doing fabulously well - heart valve working perfectly, cancer free - and his spirits (he was THE most positive man ) were soaring. We were so optimistic and grateful. Then, out of no where, he died....just like that. We had known each other since we were kids - married 45 years - and, particularly given all the health issues last year, became closer than ever. In a moment, it was all over. I am so devastated - life is just existing....breathing in and out. Thinking of being without him forever is just unbearable. My grown kids have been/are simply wonderful. I adore my grand children. I have a great job. None of this matters. I am so angry at the "universe" - like someone played a cruel trick on us. I know the answer is "one day at a time"......but I can hardly bear the pain. Thanks for listening. I know if you are reading this, you too are hurting badly.