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Why Do People Pull Away?

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Three days I've endured without him now. My children are here, helping me, though the youngest is only 19, and I feel their pain at losing a beloved father, just as much as my own pain. Waking up without him is okay - for five seconds - until I realize he's never coming back. And then the pain comes rolling in.

I live in Norway, my mother, sister, brother and their families all live in the states. My two eldest sons also live there, but are here for the moment. I have few friends. My husband's family gives practical help - but no emotional support. There is no one to turn to.

Friends and family send phone SMS, e-mails and cards. But they don't actually reach out - they don't call and ask how I am. They don't offer help. At the same time, I don't know what to ask for. Last night in desperation for someone, I called my sister who lives far away, and ended up just crying. She asked me what was the hardest part - and I said - just losing him, missing him, feeling like I'm going to die without him. She told me I should contact a grief counselor instead.

I don't know how to ask for what I need - but what do I need? Only my husband. I do have a grief counselor, but the only thing I really want is for someone to bring him back. In the middle of the night when everyone was in bed, I panicked. HOw am I going to get through this? How will I get through the cold, snowy winter? How will I get through anything? When I read this forum, I can see there might be pain for years. It is just not possible to endure.

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Melina, I am so very sorry for your loss. The grief and pain you are going through is horrible, I know, I have been there, as have we all. I won't try to tell you that I know how you are feeling. Each individual's feelings are their own. But I will tell you that I understand what you are going through. I lost my husband in January, very unexpectedly, from a massive coronary. He was 62. He had not been ill, or had any signs of illness. The first few weeks, months even, I felt like I was in a fog. You are so very new to this loss, and right now it must seem to you that you cannot go on. Well, Melina, you can, and you will. I also thought I could not go on, but I did. It won't be easy, but just take little steps, one step at a time, and one day at a time, and someday, you will find that the pain has eased a little. I cannot tell you when that will happen, but it will happen. I am sorry that you don't have family closer, but in the final analysis, you have to do this yourself. If you need to scream, then do so, if you need to cry, don't apologize for it. Will be praying for peace for you, and support for the grief and pain you are having. Keep checking in at this site, many people on this site helped me with their posts. People here do understand what you are experiencing, we are all members of this club that we did not ask to join. God Bless you

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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This is s fresh for you, it does get better with time. You will always miss him and love him, that never goes away, but with time, you will get more adept at coping with the loss. I wish you had some friends there to listen, care, and put their arms around you. I didn't have that either. Alol of our friends disappeared with George's death, I guess death makes a lot of people uncomfortable, like they're afraid it's contagious or something. People don't like to be around sadness, it makes them uncomfortable, like they don't know what to say or how to respond...so they avoid you, totally NOT the response you need. With time you will make some new friends. For me it's been five years and I still feel lonely and scared. But not as bad as in the beginning of the journey. I've worked hard at my grief, journaled, posted, used art to depict my feelings and goals, tried to adjust and keep a positive focus, it takes so much work it's exhausting. And I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've never quit trying. With time it evolved from instead of feeling immense pain at the thought of him, it's come to bring me comfort and reassurance. I carry him inside of me, the one person who really loved me, the one person I could really count on, the most special person that ever lived. And I know I'll see him again, I'll feel his arms around me again, I hold onto that.

Death of a spouse hits you on every level. There is so much loss involved with it...loss of that person whose eyes lit up when you entered the room. Loss of your lover, your best friend, the other person who had all the same shared memories as you, the person who did the other things around the place that you couldn't, loss of income, loss of the person you shared all your weekends and holidays with. It is understandable that this is such a huge adjustment, it's going to take some time. But you will survive it. You will learn to incorporate all of these changes into your life. At first you may not care to, may not want to, but with time, it will happen, little by little. It does not mean you forget him or value him any less, not by any means, but rather that you honor his memory by surviving enough to keep him alive inside of you.

Try to remember to take deep breeaths, take care of yourself, daily walks, express yourself here, and remember, one day at a time...or one moment.



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