I Just Can't Bottle It Up Anymore

[2sweetgirls]

Well, hello all,

I have not been frequenting this site lately because, frankly, sharing and reading has helped tremendously and hurt just as much sometimes. I needed a break and just to be alone for a while. I hope I make sense.....

There has been an issue that we inadvertently found out about a couple of days after my mom passed on (even before we could lay her to rest)..........my dad has had a "friend" for 9 years before mom died. We believe mom just wanted us to know because the wierd sequence of events that led to finding out were incredible. I feel sick over this and can't seem to get passed it. This person that is supposed to be my dad feels like a stranger to me. He has Prostate cancer that isn't getting any better, in fact it has spread throughout his body but he is still fighting it. There are so many things going on in my head I feel like I am going to explode. It is a really long story but, I spoke to this woman on the phone shortly after mom died and she gave me a lot of information that dad has not and probably would never have shared. I am so mixed up!!!! I love my dad but, I just don't like him for what he did and continues to do. My family and I traveled to see my brother and his wife and dad came too. It was a great time (not the same without mom she was dearly missed) Dad was trying to coax us all to his house next time. We all know that he is trying to get us to meet and accept HER. THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. I am having a really hard time lately talking to him because frankly I'm really angry. To add to this I feel like it is shadowing the death of my mom and I can't grieve the way I think I should have because of this situation. I flip flop on a daily basis on whether to let him have it or let it go. I don't know if I can let it go. Mom told me in a dream after I told her that "I was so mad I wanted to eat him up alive" to "let HER eat him up alive". I have no clue what that means.

Anyway, I'm sorry fot the rambling I just had to get it off my chest.

I'll write more soon.

Thank you all, as always, for listening.

2sweetgirls

[Kavish]

Hi,

I am sure that we would like to have someone besides us, as a stable , normal human being, yet so many are frail and fail at the "simple?" task of being normal. I guess you loved your mom so much just because she was just such a human being. I did meet that person in my best friend, Diana, and I want to live by with good thoughts of her decency through out my life. Please try and focus on the good and try and keep your life in normalcy which would mean try and be gentle with yourself first and others after that.

Take care,

Kavish

[Window]

That sounds like a terrible shock to have on top of a painful loss. I can see how it would be surreal, confusing, and excruciating. You have my condolences.

The only advice I can really give, though, is to not let someone else's poor moral decisions torment you or corrupt the grieving you need to go through for your mother. I also understand fully that you feel betrayed by your father and his callousness (trying to get you to go see her this soon? really??) but try to remember deep down that the man who has hurt you is still your father, and he may have hurt you inadvertently. I don't mean to be presumptuous or to try to tell you what to do during such a difficult time, but try to really think on this and not react in a way that you'll regret down the line when he's no longer here to forgive. It's your prerogative to let him have it if you want, but I'd advise against doing anything irreparable, because there may come a day when it's too late to change your mind.

I'm sure you've already thought on all of this. I just wanted to give what advice I could. It's so much easier for me to give advise from here than to go through what you're going through. No matter what your decisions, you have my utmost sympathies in what you're having to deal with and I hope that you can find peace.

[2sweetgirls]

Thank you so much for replying, Kavash and Window. I understand that this is a really tough subject to reply to but, I appreciate the words of encouragement.

I have thought about not being able to take back what I have said, if I said it, since the beginning and not being able to forgive myself for saying it. But, I just couldn't take it anymore and the other day I had a "talk" with dad. You see it is impossible to forget since he says "we" when he talks. The only "we" that exists for me is my MOM and him. I couldn't deal with the in my face disrepect so I addressed it. I half expected him to really tell me to take a flying leap but, in fact he was really the opposite and was apologetic. For now, I can go on for a while. I told him what I feel that he is being disrepectful toward me. I do not accept the other person and it really bothers me that she has been in my mother's house so soon after her death. I made it clear that I do not want to hear about her and what they do together. I know she is there but, don't want it in my face. He says that he doesn't want his children to feel this way towards him. So, I capitalized on that and said "don't make me feel this way". I'm not sure he completely gets it. I said some harsh things to get him to understand how serious I am. I am a 40 year old woman and deserve respect - even from my own father. We are fine now for the moment. I feel like a split personality - sometimes feeling sorry for him and his health and other times so betrayed I can't see straight. It's a hard place to be.

Thank you so much for giving me your advice. I really do appreciate it.

2sweetgirls

[em2009]

I'm so sorry for you and your family! I have a friend who is dealing with almost your exact situation so I understand how hard it is for you. The only thing I can tell you from watching my friend and her family deal with this is you need to not let any bitterness eat you up. It's so easy to write and read but to put it to practice is so much harder. They cut off all ties with their grandfather/father and I know they might regret it one day. When my friend calls me to talk about it I just listen and tell her she needs to do what she feels deep in her heart is right. I will pray for you and your family that you make it to a better place!

[2sweetgirls]

Thank you,em2009. My brother and I are really hurt but, we love our dad. Even though it is almost impossible sometimes to even fathom this whole situation, I now know how it feels to lose a parent (the one I was SOOOOOOO close to, my mom) and not be able to take back some things I said or did in the past. His indiscretions are between him and the Lord and he will have to answer to him one day. I will be a good person and try the best I can deal with it. My husband is incredibly supportive and we talk often about how I (and he) feels. We have been married for 13 years and my mom was like a second mom to him. Even though it is not the same, he loved her too.

I have told my dad that I will not come back to the house where my mom and him lived. My mom chose that house and everything in it. It screams her name when you walk in. I can't handle that. She was the one that brought joy to us when we went there. Even my husband says that he would not be able to go back. Also, since I know that this woman is "playing house" in my mom's house with him, I REALLY can't and won't do it. My dad has traveled to my house and we all traveled to my brothers house so I am still seeing him without the possibility of her "popping over". If that ever happened my temper and pain would just be unleashed in a malignant and unexplainable way. So, I will stay away.

I still talk to dad a few times a week and as long as he doesn't mention her or "we" I can try to put it aside for now. But today is today and only the Lord knows what tomorrow holds.

One day at a time.

Thank you so much, em2009 for writing. It really does help to read other people's perspective on such a difficult subject.

2sweetgirls