Can't Help Worrying About The Future

[melina]

Now I'm posting again. Sitting here at the kitchen table alone. This is first day I didn't feel awful when waking up - partly because I remembered a bill I had to pay and ran downstairs to do it before trouble ensued. But after about an hour, with the rain pouring down outside - the grief crept up on me and I'm sitting here crying again. I know we're supposed to take one day at a time - one minute at a time, but I can't help thinking forward - to Christmas, to graduations for two of my sons, to summer vacation alone, to a lifetime alone. All those things we were going to do together. I'm so miserable. I try to focus on little positive things during the day, but this huge sorrow and emptiness just overshadows them all.

Will I make it? I'm so tired of the constant pain. It's exhausting.

Melina

[kayc]

Try to stop it! My friend just had to email me that same message as I too can worry about anything/everything. She reminded me to stay in today and not borrow trouble from the future. Yes, you'll make it.

Over five years ago when my husband died, I was at the computer and had my budget open. When I deleted his future paychecks from the spreadsheet, it showed all red totals going across. As my daughter was looking over my shoulder, she said, "Don't worry, Mom. God will take care of you, He always has (taken care of) me." Hearing that bit of faith through my daughter really helped me in the year to come as I lost not only my husband, but my job, friends, pets, etc.

Somehow, I've gotten by. This may not be the life I ordered, but it's here.

My son told me last night he was on his computer going through pictures and he saw this tiny woman with George and was wondering why he had that picture on his computer and who she was, and he suddenly realized that it was me! He said I looked so happy...

I was happy. Have I changed that much? Has stress etched that much into me that my own son didn't recognize my picture because of the changes?

[Lainey]

YES Melina you certainly will make it and one day, hopefully, you will wake up and feel a bit of joy back in your life.

As for the firsts, they are also something else you will make it through. Maybe you could light candles on special days, let some balloons fly up to heaven, or whatever makes you feel closer to your lost love.

Cheryl had a wonderful suggestion to MZM under the post 'Today's a Bad Day'. She suggested using river rocks and writing on them to the loved one. I think that would be a wonderful tribute and something you could display.

Include you children in these firsts, it was much easier for me to face these days with their support.

Feel better

Hugs,

Lainey

[Korina]

I must admit, I could hardly look beyond the next hour let alone the next year for those first weeks. But I did occasionally try to think about the future in terms of positive events. Perhaps if you can plan something good, maybe taking part in a fundraiser in your husbands honor, it might help.

As for all the finances etc, I certainly had and continue to have pretty big worries, but slowly they are being dealt with. In fact, last night I was worrying about something, and I asked Scott to help me (I needed to speak with a certain person who is very hard to nail down). Though I expected he would call sometime this week, lo and behold, he called today! Thanks, Scott!!

Korina

[sunstreet]

Dear Melina,

I am so sorry for your loss and pain. It is so unrelenting at times. I think it is entirely alright and normal to think ahead, so we can plan to have things in place to help us get through those times without our loved one with us in the physical sense any longer. I encourage you to believe that you will survive this turbulent sea of grief. One thing that has helped me go on is to accept when a wave of grief hits and just let it flow through me and do what I need to do to feel less alone with it. One dream that died with my partner is the dream that we would swim the dolphins together. We had a trip planned, booked and paid for, then my partner chose suicide and we never got to make that trip. I regret now that I did not go ahead on the trip anyhow and fulfill our dream. I accept I did what I needed to do at that moment. I am now planning a trip again and I will go on my own with my Melissa along in spirit. I don't believe our dreams have to die with our loved one, they have to change, they have to be different but they don't have to die too.

Courage and encouragement to you.

Sunstreet

[Ron B.]

Hi Melina. To be honest, I really was worried about you when you first started posting. But I am not worried any more. You have expressed your grief quite clearly and have been painfully honest about it. You have tagged specific problems, including substance abuse. Though the pain of grief continues, it looks clear to me that you are coping.

It can be hard to see our own progress through grief. Sometimes others have to point it out for us. Which is to answer your question. Yes you will make it. There's more process of grief ahead, but you have been through the first and worst crush of it. No we can't make all the pain go away, but at least we can negotiate our way through it. The 'grief work' is exhausting, you are right about that. But we/you/me can deal with exhaustion.

About anticipating a life alone without your mate, I have some perspective for you. I have never had that shared life. Ever. I think you are lucky to have had it. I hope to find it.

Count your blessings! That might help you worry a bit less.

Ron B.

[melina]

Thanks Ron - and all of you - for the support. I'm sorry to have been a worry - but am relieved to hear that I seem to be progressing. It is hard to notice that myself. Every day is an effort, but I suppose I'm slowly getting through it - as are we all. Ron - I hope you find that shared life too, with all its ups and downs.

Melina

[kayc]

Melina,

Ron's response to you was right on and very well put. It is hard to see any measured progress within ourselves as we are in the thick of it. But even the crying out is good as it gets it out rather than bottling it up. You will be okay, even when you don't think so. It's just getting through this one day at a time.

(((hugs)))

Kay