lonely4barb Posted September 13, 2010 Report Share Posted September 13, 2010 Hello to all - September 18th will mark nine months since my precious Barb went to the Lord. Her departure was sudden and unexpected. Barb had been sick for over a month with lupus. Her kidneys gradually shut down along with other complications. She was my soul mate, the one that God chose to walk by my side for a total of almost 17 years, three of those in courtship, almost 14 of them in marriage. Our backgrounds were mirror images. I was an only child, and Barb was too except that a brother had been stillborn a year or so before Barb came from heaven to earth in 1944. We once agreed that we were joined at the heart. So you can imagine the pain I felt the night she slipped from me, and journeyed her way to be with our Lord. Most of my heart was ripped from my very being. I don't recall a day without tears since she went home. But, I know that one day, I will be with her again. She was so loving, caring and unselfish, giving of herself to others. She would take samples of her cooking and baking to our neighbor and anyone who happened by. We were brought together by a loving God late in life, neither of us having ever been married before. God was in it from day one. When I wanted to move to her town to be with her, there was only one apartment left in government housing in her small town. God saved it for me to move to be in her town with her! I know heaven has been a much brighter place since my Barb arrived there. Yet my sadness continues, only not as severe. The early days of grief shock, I hardly remember except for that first time going in a store. I was shaking from weeping under my breath, and would break down when I got back to the car. God has carried me a long way since she departed, but I can tell I have a way to go. The days are still so empty, the whole world seems empty and deserted without her. I went through a grief class back in the winter, and it did help, but nothing ever totally helps except God and time. Loneliness is my partner now, and I struggle through each day, crying two, three times or more a day, but slowly healing. Thanks to all who read my first post here. I look forward to meeting you and together, we will share the weight of one another's grief and with God, make it out of the other side of this lonely old valley. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonely4barb Posted September 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2010 Here is a picture of Barb about 2006. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonely4barb Posted September 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2010 Two hearts joined in holy matrimony January 20, 1996. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted September 13, 2010 Report Share Posted September 13, 2010 I am so sorry for your loss. Welcome to this site. It is safe here. I understand your pain so well. I wish I could take your pain away. I did not feel anything at all for some time after my partner suicided as I had many losses so close together and literally was paralyzed with grief and unable to function in life. So it was like someone had pushed the pause button or something. It has been a long and arduous journey: and I am ever so grateful for this site. I am saddened deeply that it is our pain that has brought us all here. I am grateful to everyone here. Thank you for sharing and courage to you. Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonely4barb Posted September 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2010 Hello Carol Ann, and thanks so much, for a very nice welcome and for your kinds words of sympathy. I am so very sorry for your loss as well. It truly is sad that loss and pain brought all of us here, but we are here for each other! I just got to looking around for a grief forum, and found this one. It sure is nice. I don't know why I hadn't done that before now. So many others on other sites and in email ahd been helping me through grief, just nevver thought to look. I'm a bit confused as to the post functions being in the middle of the post area, but I will learn all the bells and whistles soon. You're so welcome about my sharing and thanks again so very much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted September 13, 2010 Report Share Posted September 13, 2010 Thank you for your empathy. I am glad you came looking and found us all here. I have found this site to be very cathartic in my healing journey. I hope your experience is similar. Blessings, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonely4barb Posted September 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2010 Thanks, Carol Ann. I hope no one minds these pictures. Here is the last one made of Barb one year ago tonight (Sept. 13th, 2009) It was our last out of town trip together. A young lady had driven us both to Dallas for my Dr. appoinment. I"ve been crying my heart out today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonely4barb Posted September 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2010 You are welcome, Carol Ann. Sorry I'm not too "together" today. Thanks again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted September 13, 2010 Report Share Posted September 13, 2010 You are so very welcome. I can not speak for others but the pictures are just fine. I really want to encourage you that you need not apologize for your grief. It is OK and totally normal. Take good care and just try to let yourself accept the waves of grief as they come without judgement and know that just as the waves of the ocean eventually reach shore and dissipate, so to does the waves that come in the sea of grief. That is how I view grief like the ocean sometimes it is a raging storm, sometimes choopy from the wind, sometimes calm. One thing is certain the waves keep coming, and slowly we learn how to ride the waves and feel joy again. Courage and Blessings to you. Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonely4barb Posted September 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2010 Ohhh, I have never heard that put that way! Even my grief counselor has never said it like that! That is so very true, Carol Ann! I may even print that off! Thanks so much for putting it that way. A strange thing, a while back, I felt like I was coming out of grief, doing pretty good, but the last few weeks, plus a vivid dream I had about Barb, I've really had the return of those big waves again. Well, it's not a year yet, so I guess that is to be expected. I hope I typed that right. It was behind the control panel for the post. Thanks and many blessings to you as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheryl Posted September 13, 2010 Report Share Posted September 13, 2010 Thankyou for posting your pictures. Reading your words then seeing the pictures brought the reality of your loss and your love together for me. When I read that you felt you were starting to emerge from the grief to find yourself back in it again, I felt you were speaking for me. I hope sharing your thoughts and reading all of ours will help ease the pain. Cheryl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 13, 2010 Report Share Posted September 13, 2010 Your Barb has a beautiful smile! No wonder you miss her so. I'm so sorry for your loss, it's just a very hard thing to go through. Those of us here are the ones that had the good marriages, the ones that miss our spouses, the ones that are left struggling to make sense of it and survive. Wishing you the best... Kay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonely4barb Posted September 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2010 Hello Cheryl & Kay. You're sure welcome for the pictures, Cheryl. I am sorry that grief also keeps rebounding on you too. I've learned to not put a time when it is gone. I don't know when it will be. Being able to come here has definitely helped me so much. Thanks about her smile, Kay. That smile is a reflection of a true loving and caring heart, and of a person very much in love with the Lord. Barb spoiled me with oceans of love and made not just birthdays and holidays special, but every day she was with me extra special. Thank you both for very comforting words. In some ways, it seems like forever since she went home, in others, it's just like yesterday. God bless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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