Another First

[Cheryl]

I thought for sure all my firsts were over. It's been just over one year since Mark died and I am eager to feel all the pain and move forward. But I have another first. Tonight for the first time I will spend the entire night alone since Mark died. I have tried to post several times this evening but I have felt so guilty becuase so many of you are alone every night. I spend alot of time alone, I am just as sad as everyone on this site and yet I feel guilty becasue I have my kids to lean on from dinner until bedtime. They have carried me through my grief, held me up when I wanted to die. I am actually stronger than I expected to be this evening. I have kept my blessing at the fore front and have concentrated on what we lived vs. what we lost. But I can't help but remember how excited we would have been to spend a night alone. We would have planned an evening out. Dinner and wine for sure. Maybe a drive to a look outpoint just to feel young again. We would come home and walk around naked just because we could. I miss my husband, he was so much fun! Oh Mark, Please save a place for me.

[Perkins808]

Hi Cheryl,

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about - I am certain that nobody here will judge you for having a hard time on your first night alone.....regardless of you having kids to fill some of that void for such a long time or not.

It was 6 weeks after Jeff died that I was finally home alone over night. My kids had gone to stay with their Dad, something that I had been able to put off up until that point, but I was feeling bad for keeping them from staying with him overnight....so I finally allowed them to go.

It was hard, so absolutely quiet in the house....but I kept myself busy and when the kids finally came home I at least had a sense of accomplishment that no matter how hard it had been, no matter how much it sucked, I had finally done it.

Like you, nights alone without kids were rare, and we would definitely take advantage of them. Even when he was going through chemo and radiation, we would always plan a "date night" if we were blessed with a night without kids. Some of my favorite moments were just being able to make out with my husband....without hearing the inevitable "eeewwws" from at least one of our kids who never seemed to grasp that we were after all still newlyweds! : )

I am sorry that you are going through this, but I am glad that you have some wonderful memories to get you through the hardest days!

Tammy

[Cheryl]

Thank you Tammy for your kind words. My little guy just got home. Looking just like his dad, covered in dirt talking about the lake and the hike and the Scout camp out. My husband and I spent alot of time riding quads in the desert, boating and feeling nature. I miss him so much. Larry will be my little snuggle buddy tonight and I will squeeze him harder than usual. I know now that if I'm going to be home alone I need to plan better. I need to fill my time with other things. I had way too much down time and unplanned time. I'm sad enough when they are home. Next time I will be more prepared. Another first done!

[kayc]

Cheryl,

It is hard the first time you're alone after losing him. I remember just a couple of weeks after George died I was alone, it was very hard. It does get better after you get used to it. I don't mind being alone some of the time, but it gets old when it's week after week. It's nice if the kids can stop in now and then but mine live out of town.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[Korina]

No need to feel guilty - I haven't been separated from Kailyn for a day yet (she is now 19.5 months old) - not counting daycare. And yes, I have always found that planning for days that you know are going to be difficult helps a lot.

Korina