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Trying To Create A New Life


Cheryl

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I'm trying to create a new life since my husband died one year ago in an accident. I am now finding that the grief filled days of pain are less and I am grateful for the short breaks. I am finding it hard to get enthusiastic about all the changes I now face. It was almost easier to be miserable all the time. Instead of waking up crying, I just lie there wondering what I'm supposed to do to feel better. I have joined a women's bible study called "Trusting God when Life Hurts". I meet a friend for dinner before hand which gets me both the social and the inspirational evening combined. I started attending a new church, where my husbands memories can't creep in and no one looks at me with sad eyes. I still attend a grief support group with my kids where I'm able to talk and share, unlike the previous year of just sobbing. I'm doing all the right things but I'm not happy yet. I get so depressed because I am still so unhappy. Still so lonely and still so confused about who I am and where I fit in. I feel like I'm starting all over again. Like a teen just going off to college, but I don't have a mom and dad to lean on. I feel all alone. I hate every step that I'm having to take and mad that I have to take them. Yet I know in my heart that it has to start somewhere. I'll nvever be happy again if I don't throw myself into new experiences and meet new people. IT JUST REALLY SUCKS!!!!!

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Oh Cheryl I understand totally and it does...suck! It is just so unfair. I struggle to fit in now as well. I feel so oddly different than everyone else. I find the waves of grief are easier to bare and even find myself feeling the odd moment of joy again. I have really become an introvert since Melissa's death. I know too that I need to get out and engage in life again. I too feel the anguish of lonliness. Courage to us as we tread down this path.

Blessings, Carol Ann

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Thank you Carol Ann. My husband was so outgoing and always led the way. I loved riding along on his coattails. I often sit in my family room trying to push myself out the door to wave at a neighbor, only to find it easier to turn on the tv and forget. This new life is incredibly exhausting and draining, yet the longer I hide alone the more depressed I get. I guess it's all about balance. I am told that my confidence will grow as I try new things. I'm glad to know that someone else feels like me, it makes me feel like less of a leper. cheryl

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You are very welcome. I understand, my Melissa was the outgoing one and led the way as well. I agree this path in our lives now is incredibly exhausting and draining. I do understand, you are not alone. I say let's keep trying new things and discover ourselves in a whole new way. Don't know if it will help you but one thing I do is I talk to Melissa into a tape recorder and tell her about my day, the feelings I have, etc. Somehow it helps me feel less alone. Courage to us.

Blessings, Carol Ann

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  • 3 months later...

Cheryl,

I don't think it really matters who the out going one was, in our relationship it was me that enjoyed visiting and being with people. Not so much anymore, I go to the gym with a friend, shop for what I need and have lunch with another friend. Past that and I am too tired or miserable to want to do anything or see anyone.

I went to a Grief share class and met new people, have yet to call them since the holidays. You are right in saying that we have to get out and meet new people and try new things. Maybe tomorrow!!

I hope this feeling goes away soon, as you said "IT SUCKS", and yes, we are starting all over again.

Lainey

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  • 1 year later...

I understand so well Cheryl - I am dreading next month as it will be one year since my husband passed away from lung cancer. I have been battling on my own as I now live alone - have gone on the bus to do some shopping now and then, joined a weekly shop and lunch group every Tuesday although I am not comfortable with crowds as it was just us two when my husband was alive. I am always glad to come back home and watch TV away from everything - I feel safer I suppose.

Like you I have been feeling that I should be sociable and find friends but it doesn't work that way - most people prefer to talk about themselves anyway and do not want to listen. Actually I don't care when they say you get stronger. It does not make me feel any better. I just see couples together and think how lucky they are and that makes me want to run away and hide as it hurts so much.

Everyone is different - I do not have advice really except to say do what makes you feel comfortable as you are important . Take good care of yourself.

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  • 7 months later...

It's funny - I was talking today to a friend who recently lost her one and a half year old and she said that she wishes all would just leave her alone and stop asking her if she's okay - as if she could be okay. I told her that the wishes, the thoughts are well meaning and come from a place of others not knowing the right thing TO say. I can't imagine. I do know that everyone grieves differently and you can't put yourself on a time frame to feel certain things at certain points in time.

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  • 1 month later...

I just logged on for the first time in several months. I saw this post and realized it started with my post back in 2010. It has been almost four years since my husband died in a motorcycle accident and it has been a long journey, a transition, to become this new person. I am no longer sad all the time. I don't lie in bed tryng to figure out what to do next. I have healed in so many ways and my life is very happy once again. It took so much work. Even more than work it took perserverance. It felt painfuly slow in coming and most of the time I felt like I was failing the grief class. But over and over I kept trying new things. I went to new places, I met new friends and I just refused to think anything other than happiness would be possible.

I have heard that time heals and I thought it was a load of crap. I was wrong. Time heals if you do something with the time to enable yourself to heal. I cried endless hours, days and months. I screamed about the same amount of time. I hid in the house behind the curtains unable to reach out to my friends and family for comfort. In time I forced myself to take those baby steps that carried into big steps and eventualy I was eager to be a part of the world again. It feels sooo GOOD to be alive. I am so lucky to have a second chance. I hope my words will bring someone hope and inspiration to keep moving forward.

As a last thought I wanted to share that I have met a really neat man. He's completely different from my husband and it feels good to be a part of somones life again. I'm afraid in a whole new way. Afraid to take new steps as a couple but that's another topic. The whole dating thing has had it's challenges and is awful in my book but again perseverance at the game has lead me to someone a lot like me!

take care, Cheryl

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