I Just Feel Like I Have No One To Talk To

[Lostdaughter]

I thought I was doing better, but then my Dad's death hit me today. I am not sure why. Maybe it's because someone came to my house to work on my house and I couldn't breathe and had to fight back tears and hide in the bedroom and garage to cry. Maybe it's because I got a job offer and I am afraid to take it, because the last real job I had I took after losing my precious little boy Teddy (light of my life doggy) and I remember just having to cry during work hours and in the car. I feel like I am setting myself up for a crash and burn. I also feel like people don't want to hear about this and that I have no right to feel this way. My own mother is doing fine so what right do I have to not be doing ok?

The brevity of life just seems so surreal to me. I had my Dad for 50 years and never knew him. And now I never will. And I have so many regrets and it's too late. It's been too late for years due to his Alzheimer's. I thought somehow I'd just pick up the pieces and move on, but tears are streaming down my face as I write this.

I am going to see my MD tomorrow for bloodwork. I think something might be wrong with me as I have not taken care of myself for a long time and especially when my Dad went into hospice which was the first week of April. I feel like I am going to die soon too. Maybe this is normal - maybe not. I've gone to a couple of grief groups and do have an appt with a grief counselor on Wed. I am to start this job soon and everything is just too much. I feel like I started feeling a little better and then took too much on and that I won't be able to do this job. Yet I need this job. My Dad would expect me to take this job. I just don't know.

Anyway, the image of turning around and looking at his coffin that beautiful September 1st day is etched in my mind. I can still see it, feel it, and it was an unforgettable moment in time.

[Ron B.]

Lostdaughter,

I think you have pretty much figured out 'why' grief hits so hard right now. Having your house torn up and facing a new job is a mountain of stress. I've heard it said that the things that cause the most stress in life include death in a family, change of job, and moving. You've got the first two and a bit of the third. It's no wonder you are feeling worn down to a frazzle. And you are still only 1 month into grieving. That is such an early stage of grief. I was a total emotional wreck even two months into grief. I do not know how you can expect so much of yourself. The crying is cathartic; I would welcome it. About the new job, that's something you need to think through carefully. I'd be glad to read more detail, if you care to write. About people not wanting to hear of your grief, that's pretty common. I just either kept my grief to myself, or was slightly blunt in talking about it. I don't like getting caught having to explain my feelings to people who really don't want to know. Only with close friends would I ask for counsel. And about having rights to feel as you do, you should not be intimidated by anybody. Your feelings are yours, not theirs. If you feel like sharing your grief or guarding it closely, that's entirely your business and your decision. And about feeling so rotten in general, that too is part of grief whether we like it or not. I think it gets much better about the 3rd month. Then I knew I would survive and somehow grow from the experience. Healing really does happen, but all you feel now is the pain. Be patient. So long as you make a good effort, you can not fault yourself. I hope you find time to rest too; we need to recuperate from such grave loss.

You bring up so many issues of substance. Looking after your health is important, and you are doing the right thing in consulting with your physician. That feeling that you are going to die soon, I can't understand that. Do you have a specific physical ailment? Or is it just a general feeling of your own mortality? I feel my time is short too at 56 years of age. Thought I'd live forever in my 20's, 30's, and 40's. And now my own mortality feels like it's hovering over me.

There is one thing you said which I will question. You wrote:

"My Dad would expect me to take this job."

Are you saying you are taking on the new job, because of your father's expectations? That seems a bit backwards, as we generally have to look after ourselves first, and what others think is usually secondary. Or is it a financial necessity that you take this job? If that's the case, then I am saddened. Normally the first months of grief should be a time for you to recuperate, and not a time to take on more responsibility.

Whatever you do, please find time to rest too.

Ron B.

[DebFromLodi]

Something you said really hit home for me. You said you never really knew your dad. My dad was 75 when he died in 1979 and I never knew him. I would give anything to go back in time and take the time to know him, but now it is too late. I never listened to his stories, he was an alcoholic and i never had time for him. Now it is too late.

I think of this song:

The Greatest Man I Never Knew

The greatest man I never knew

Lived just down the hall

And everyday we said hello

But never touched at all

He was in his paper

I was in my room

How was I to know he thought I hung the moon

The greatest man I never knew

Came home late every night

He never had too much to say

Too much was on his mind

I never really knew him

And now it seems so sad

Everything he gave to us took all he had

Then the days turned into years

And the memories to black and white

He grew cold like an old winter wind

Blowing across my life

The greatest words I never heard

I guess I'll never hear

The man I thought could never die

S'been dead almost a year

He was good at business

But there was business left to do

He never said he loved me

Guess he thought I knew

[niamh]

Oh Lostdaughter I'm so sorry for all those changes you have added to your grief. I've had to deal with a big change in work and it is scary,it's hard to find the motivation I once had but I do my best to just take it day by day,and still often hour by hour.

Know that you have every right to cry and feel however anytime at all. I too sometimes think my Mom is doing better than me,she says it herself a lot aswell.I don't know why that is,I know i have enormous admiration for her to be surviving this,I know me being here still living with her is mostly what keeps us both going.

I still have times when I erupt with anger and frustration and she just understands even though she doesn't get like that.

Just know that we are always here to listen anytime.it's so hard when others don't want to hear it or it makes them uncomfortable especially when they are the ones supposed to be there for you.we will never tire of listening to you and I hope you know that.

I only told my aunt last weekend I wished I had asked my Dad so much more about his Mom,his childhood,i wish my Granny was still here too,(lost her at 22).....it's now I am interested in the old times but it's too late,at least on this earth.

I don't have words of wisdom unfortunately but sending love and hugs your way

Niamh

[KJO]

I thought I was doing better, but then my Dad's death hit me today. I am not sure why. Maybe it's because someone came to my house to work on my house and I couldn't breathe and had to fight back tears and hide in the bedroom and garage to cry. Maybe it's because I got a job offer and I am afraid to take it, because the last real job I had I took after losing my precious little boy Teddy (light of my life doggy) and I remember just having to cry during work hours and in the car. I feel like I am setting myself up for a crash and burn. I also feel like people don't want to hear about this and that I have no right to feel this way. My own mother is doing fine so what right do I have to not be doing ok?

The brevity of life just seems so surreal to me. I had my Dad for 50 years and never knew him. And now I never will. And I have so many regrets and it's too late. It's been too late for years due to his Alzheimer's. I thought somehow I'd just pick up the pieces and move on, but tears are streaming down my face as I write this.

I am going to see my MD tomorrow for bloodwork. I think something might be wrong with me as I have not taken care of myself for a long time and especially when my Dad went into hospice which was the first week of April. I feel like I am going to die soon too. Maybe this is normal - maybe not. I've gone to a couple of grief groups and do have an appt with a grief counselor on Wed. I am to start this job soon and everything is just too much. I feel like I started feeling a little better and then took too much on and that I won't be able to do this job. Yet I need this job. My Dad would expect me to take this job. I just don't know.

Anyway, the image of turning around and looking at his coffin that beautiful September 1st day is etched in my mind. I can still see it, feel it, and it was an unforgettable moment in time.

You are indeed not alone in this process girl. I thought the same way when I first posted my bit. As I read more and more, I see that we all are going through similar waves and waves of emotions.

[Lostdaughter]

Wow, Reba McEntire. Brings back so many memories of my divorce and this song just has me sobbing. It is so true with my Dad. I can barely stand this realization.

My Mom told me tonight I am getting quite a bit of money from my Dad's estate. It can't make up for never knowing him. I'd trade it just to hear "I love you." If I had grown up with some sense of this, my life would be far different and, well, that's all. Thanks for reminding me.

[Lostdaughter]

Ron B, you always say such smart stuff. You ask important questions. I am taking this job because it's a bad economy, I have been out of work for a long time, what money I have will run out, and I may never get another job at my age. I was taking time for me, but then this company found me on CareerBuilder. Who am I to turn down a job when an employer finds me? With 15 million unemployed, I feel like I must do this. My Dad always told me to take what I could get and he worked until he was 80 years old. What a work ethic that man had. With an 8th grade education and working so hard for so many years, in his mid-fifties he and his partner bought a company and he did well. When he sold his company, his main concern was that his workers would continue to have their jobs. What a change from what we see today. He was a great father to his sons, a great employer, but not as good with girls. Anyway, that is the pain I'll live with the rest of my life.

To be perfectly honest with you, I will probably die before the money goes. Part of me doesn't care. Maybe this is normal - maybe not. To answer your question, yes, I do have health conditions but it's my lack of self-care that is going to lead to an early grave. I just don't know how to put me first. I never have. I have lived my life protecting my Mom and putting me second. I volunteer and help others but just can't help me. I've tried. Believe me, I've tried.

However, the job may not work out anyway. It's doing something I'd never dream of doing in a different economy and requires I speak Spanish all day long on the phone. I just may not be able to handle it. I am not a native Spanish speaker but I passed their interviews, so here I am. Thanks so much for your thoughts.

[Lostdaughter]

Niamh,

Hugs and love back to you! It's a shame that we don't know certain things in advance (like asking about the stories). We can't know until we get there though. I've lived an entire life thinking I was doing the "right" things, but the older I get the more I see how wrong I've been.

You have LOTS of words of wisdom and don't you forget it. :-)

[Lostdaughter]

You are indeed not alone in this process girl. I thought the same way when I first posted my bit. As I read more and more, I see that we all are going through similar waves and waves of emotions.

Thanks, KJO. Indeed, we are. Unfortunately, we are members of this club. I do wonder if everyone goes through this though. I think maybe we who post on a forum like this are having a tougher time of it - but I could very well be wrong.

[KJO]

Thanks, KJO. Indeed, we are. Unfortunately, we are members of this club. I do wonder if everyone goes through this though. I think maybe we who post on a forum like this are having a tougher time of it - but I could very well be wrong.

For me, it is a mix and match of thoughts and feelings when I write about them. It is easier for me to write of them, then talk about it. Weird, huh? Congratulations on your job, by the way. I am still unemployed. I was laid off last year when my clinic went bankrupt, and because of my degree I've been deemed 'overqualified' to work all the other jobs. I only wish my Mom knew that I was alright when she passed. It is good to discuss these things with those who really know what it is like. How helpful it is, I imagine, depends on the level of the grief and how much time has elapsed from it.