Denial

[redwind30]

It was a really tough weekend. One of the worse that I have had since I lost my husband 5 months ago. One thing that is really scaring me is that I feel almost like I am going into denial. Isn't that something I should have already worked through. I know everyone goes through the stages of grief differently, but this is kind of scaring me (along with dozens of other things). It is kind of hard to explain; I don't know that is is exactly denial; or more of a fantasy kind of thing. Several times yesterday and today I found myself almost pretending that he was still with me. It doesn't last very long just two or three minutes if that long and then I stop myself. I don't want to start imagining that he is stll here. That might work for some people, but for me it will be a major mistake. Has anyone else ever experienced anything like this?

[closs86]

Hi Redwind,

I had a horrible weekend also, first the other morning I woke up felt the bed and said to myself oh johnny must have left for work already, I just had 2 bad weeks,this weekend was very stressful for me, I had to go somewhere and had to take the bus with my friend because I am afraid to go with the car to this place, wanted to kick myself for that, then to get to my doctor visit without driving is 3 buses, and my 13 1/2 year old dog started peeing all over the kitchen, i try to keep her confined, I will have to take her to the vet now, I have so much going on in my head it is overwhelming me.

Then I lent my son some money about 5 months ago, he needed it to get a house, and he promised to give it back to me as soon as he signed all the papers, and he hasen't and he said he will have to give it to me in dribs and drabs which I don't want, I need the money, I can't believe he is doing this to me, and that I have to ask him for it again.

To much stress, I am so mad at Johnny for leaving me, I know it wasn't his choice, but I am still mad at him for leaving., I feel like my mind is going 100 miles and hour.

Take care

hugs Karen

[Cajie_Laurie]

Redwind,

First of all, I am sorry you are going through all this. You too, Closs. (((hugs))) Big hugs to all who read this.

I kinda understand where you are coming from. Tommy will be gone 4 months in Thursday and just the other day (just like the day he passed) I was thinking this isn't real. His sister whisked him off somewhere and he is living and happy and he wasn't dead. Because to me, even if he wasn't with me but was still living, I'd be OK with it.

But, yes I saw his body... even though to me and my youngest son, Doug, thought he looked to be sleeping... Even though I went to his funeral... I still wish he was alive, with or with out me in his life.

[sunstreet]

I think it entirely normal to be experiencing this and I am sorry you both are having to navigate this journey of loss. I still at times go looking for Melissa. I believe it takes time to reframe our lives without them and denial is part of the process. I think this denial we all go through is acknowledging the love we shared and that it takes a lot of courage, peserverance and strength to weather our loss and integrate it into our life now and learn to reframe our life.

And yes, it is utterly and completely unfair!

Blessing to us all, Carol Ann