Things That Trigger

[MZM]

Everyday, there is always something that triggers the hurt and pain. Something that makes me realise that hes gone and not coming back:( not just a song or a place we've been to, but simple things like words that i say. I miss his scent and his warmth and then theres the things he's left behind, little things....(an ornament that hes made out of clay, or a key ring he'd just bought) not just the big obvious things. Its now a realisation every single day...whats worse is that now, almost 3 months later, Im angry at all the memories Im having to face without him....and every single day in the last 2 weeks, ive been miserable and crying

We always joked about death, things like "go and make me a sandwich" and if the other said "not now" the reply would be "and if I died tomorrow u would regret:)" also we would smack eachother if we even mentioned dying...like he would pinch me if i said "if i die, would you miss me" ....he wouldnt allow me to say anymore and would even have tears in his eyes and NOW look, hes really died and left me!!

I have to always find a card/note or something he gave me gifts in or the teddy bears he bought me or the roses i kept dried over the years - I have to face these EVERDAY! Its killing me and tearing me apart!

I cant stop sobbing lately....Im really really missing him so much and feel so alone. We ate together everynight and now I do that alone! I went to the movies by myself yesterday which was just a reminder of how hes left me here... Why couldnt he take me with and how could he have gone in an accident!

Im NOT coping lately and IT DOES NOT GET BETTER!!!

[MZM]

help

[Cheryl]

Dear MZM,

You are in the thick of acute grief. The times when you need to cry and mourn all that you have lost and all that could have been. It is very painful. it will come and go for a long time. But as you allow yourself to feel the pain you are also moving through the pain.

There comes a time soon after the death of our loved ones when we begin to realize everything in a new light. We knew the instant our loved one died that things were forever changed, but now we begin the process of living those awful changes. The pain you are feeling will allow you to heal. It will allow you to adjust to your new circumstances. You will need to be patient with yourself. You need to understand that what you are feeling is normal. It is understandable to doubt that the pain will subside. Please keep in mind that there is a purpose to the pain and that at some point it will diminish. You will experience more peace and you will feel somewhat like your old self again.

I have read your posts and you have been very brave. You have been through so much. You have been a real fighter. Please know that you are not alone and that there is hope. Please rest and know that we all want to embrace you and that you are not alone. Cheryl

[MZM]

Cheryl, I have tears in my eyes from reading your post, good tears, not the painful horrible ones and for the first time today (this whole last week actually), I feel like living. Thank you! Thank you for saying that I am a fighter and thank you for showing me hope - that all this has a purpose and that what i am going through is normal... Cheryl, thoughout my posting on here, you have been like a guardian angel to me...thank u!

Hugs and lots of love!

[kayc]

I add an amen to Cheryl's post. Yes there are triggers, gazillions of them it seems, esp. in the beginning. The stupidest things even. I shared a story once about how I took my car in for repair and was riding the shuttle they provided back to work (about a year after George died) and all of a sudden I started bawling because I realized George had ridden that same shuttle! They must have thought I was nuts! It's something I can almost laugh about now, but at the time, it was acutely painful. Triggers erupt out of nowhere and can strike at any time. A song, a color, a scent, a memory, anything, everything. We are never going to stop remembering them. But these triggers will become more manageable with time. Now I think of things or a reminder comes and I seldom cry. I've learned it's futile, it doesn't change anything, noone seems to hear or care, I've quit crying. But then it's been 5 1/2 years for me. When did I reach this point? I don't know, it was subtle adjustment. I know I cried the first three years, and then it slowly ebbed, very gradually. Do I forget him? No, never. When I see jewelry or a stamp or something he gave me, when I see the patio rail he built, when I have no one to help me move the refrigerator so I can clean behind it, when I sleep alone night after night, I am reminded, but I've just learned to live with it. Maybe our tears dry up after a few years, maybe we just cry on the inside.