MZM

Hi Kayc I know it has been a while since Ive been on. Just wanted to say George would be proud of you - so many years later you use your grief to help others... Hope you are feeling better today. Will never forget my friends from this site.

JKC you will go through these ups and downs alot especially in the first year...It will still feel like just yesterday. Sometimes you will cry, in vain, cry to the walls....its all part of the healing. It does get better and when the times are tough, we're all here.... LThere are many great people on this site Kayc for one... Love and peace to all MZM

Melina, when i first found this site, before joining, i read all the posts that helped me. If this site was a members only, no one would see the love and bond we all have. We wouldnt see how caring everyone is and how much we have in common... Use a different name, different country, but dont leave... Lotsa love and to all on the site MZM

Hello All I received a wonderful email from Cheryl and it made me realise how much i missed you all and how grateful ive been to have had each of you holding my hand through that most difficult time of my life. This forum saved me on so many days! Now nearly 2 years later, after my recovery break in the US (8 months), i am back in South Africa, healed (mostly - as i do from time to time become overly sensitive, think of him when things go wrong etc) and living life again. Ive met someone, the one that stuck around and wiped my tears. Mr Mcdreamy as I would call him. The most amazing person in this world. Love is possible again... My message to those who are grieving. TIME. Its the most important aspect of your healing. In this forum everyone always told me that, and they we're right. There will be many ups and downs, but the downs will lessen as you go through the journey and time has passed. The friends i made here and the true friends here in SA, helped me through the downs. Hope everyone is doing well...wish you peace during your pain... Lots of love MZM

Hello all and hello to my friends! Well im back in South Africa now, after i "ran away" to the USA for 9 months. I must say, that time away, in the end, was the best thing for me. I didnt have to face all the physical memories here, but instead it gave me time to deal with and focus on the memories that were in my mind and how i just had to let them be and let the time pass. Ive come a long way from the days of wishing God would just take me away n those horrible days of screaming n crying at the walls since my zubeir left in July last year:( I remember how even 3 months ago i woke up screaming and crying in the middle of the night and how, when i met someone just 7 months after zubeirs passing, I would cry badly if they hurt me and out of disappointment that they were nothing like him and would feel like i was going to be alone forever. There were always and are always moments in each day that make me think of him n miss him and that little stab in the heart that makes you realise, that you WILL never be the same again... I miss his voice, miss the things he used to say, and miss the fact that he was on this earth:( Even though I have come a long way, I now take no one for granted! Its been up and down...facing the memories, although easier now that i had a break from them for 9 months, can take you out of whatever it is that you're doing... Well...i recently met someone....he is my best friend and was the one that whiped my tears from about 6 months ago...he was always there unconditionally and it took me until 2 months ago to realise that I do not want to let him go... So here i am, after 1 year 2 months...almost a year of being through HELL, but one things for sure...time does heal...love u always zubeir...

My dear friends! I have missed u all sooo much! I came back to this site, because I knew that this is the one place that i can come to and find my friends who truly truly understand. The whole idea of being in another country has now lost its novelty...even though i absolutely love it here. The life i am leading now feels like a lie. Yes its reality, but i know Im running! Im dying inside every day and its just getting worse!I dream of zubeir every night and im miserable in the mornings. I get sad more often now..and i quicky get busy to forget... Cheryl, ofcourse i remember you my lov...both having lost our loved ones in accidents...I still cant accept how we just didnt get a goodbye or a warning. Kayc, i hope u dont mind but i have always thought of u like my mom....and lainey, missed u soooo much too! You are all so right in that i pushed my grief aside. Im sufffering lately, especially becaused i tried to ignore it for so long... Right now im crying coz all the memories are hitting me. I remember our camping trips and his voice is in my head! The new guy...you're right he is sweet and wonderful in his own way. Hes showed me hope and I will forever be grateful to him. But thats over now...We both want different things and Im better off being alone for a while. Really missed this site. How are u all doing?

I last posted in November last year. Hope u all remember me....but just to refresh all my wonderful friends memories, not so long ago (july 25th 2010) I lost my fiance and bro in law and two friends in a car accident... I went through hell and back after losing the love of my life who i wouldve now been married to. Im 29 years old. We were together for almost 4 years and since the accident, my whole world fell apart. I left South Africa in November, to start afresh and get away from the memories... In South Africa, I was the head of my department at work, a 28 year old who spent lots of time in meetings, board meetings etc... I moved to the United States, on a H2B visa with a bunch of other people/south africans, all contracted for one year... This life has SAVED me!! Ive met so many new friends, south african, american, south american...all on the same visa, who applied for the same jobs at the same hotel. We're 150 south africans, working at Marriot Group hotels doing beach serving jobs, bartending etc. I am a hostess at one of the restaurants in the hotel and i love it. I see new people everyday. go back to my apartmnt that I share with other south africans and my sister....and all 150 of us live with americans and south americans in this huge apartment park. When we get off work, we all relax with each other and when we get days off, we go out exploring america. We cook together, look after each other etc... This place is a dream and my version of the simple life. BUT. Even though since i have been here i have only cried on an average of once a week, i keep really busy, and i push aside alllll the memories. But then, i have time alone...and those times killl me! I cant handle being alone. The depression kicks in....And when reality kicks in, theres that sharp pain in my heart. I sometimes drink alot just to be ok....and when i break down at work, i go to the bathroom, deal with it and go back to being a smiling hostess again... Im so alone sometimes...coz im alone without my love:( how could life have changed so dramatically???? I even met someone...a fellow south african...who has made me see hope but at the same time made me miss my zubeir when he does things that arent zubeir. Zubeir treated me like a queen and i cant CANNOT, believe that he is not with me anymore:( And here i am ....trying to move on...now 8 months later....

Thank you Carol Anne! Blessings to you and us all who are on here too

Thank you Carol Anne...very sweet!! Lots of hugs n love M

I can hardly even remember the first 2 months of my grief and Im sure it must be the same for you... I found this site after the 3rd week...gosh, time flies... all i know is that it does...and now Im counting months since his death, instead of anniversaries:( I too cant listen to music...i have a CD of "safe songs" which i play in my car... The ipod i got as a farewell gift from work a few weeks ago...dont think I'll be able to use it much anytime soon...especially since watching videos was so painful. Also i heard our song at a restaurant recently, and I had to walk out as I burst into tears... A friend suggested that I make a cd with all our songs and listen to them before it catches me unawares?

Hugs Carol Anne and thank u for that... I got told this week to get the #$#% over it... Needless to say, i have cut that cruel family member out of my life...such is this time in our lives hey? We will find out who true friends are and who has patience, love and understanding for us...

I think the hardest think is understanding that they have gone... I guess the pain is never gone, its just that we have to learn to cope with it...and thats what you're doind Cheryl... Lots of hugs and best wishes on this part of ur journey

Im sitting with my laptop and syncing my music, videos etc with my itunes. Little did i know, i was going to come across all the digital videos we've saved over the years. I looked through the one where he was singing me Karaoke - Lady in Red:( ...that was torture and painful enough. Then i looked at one where we on holiday in Cape Town, only six months into our relationship. If i look at that and what we were 3 years later (when he died), nothing had changed. He still loved me SO MUCH!! In the video, hes pointing the camera at me and saying "this is my pops" "this is my babaloosh" (names that he called me), and then kissed me.... it was absolute pain watching this!! my heart is broken everyday and today its broken as if it was the first week. I STILL cant believe hes gone. How could he be. He was just here!! almost 4 months have passed and I still feel like i can bring him back! Come back Zubeir:(:(

thanks all.... Its true Cheryl, that even though im in the depth of my despair, it is part of the healing process While i feel horrible since visiting his grave, which was the biggest realisation that he is not coming back:( , I know that I did it, and even though im feeling so helpless and lost and empty now, it cannot get any worse than this...or so I hope... I know he wouldve loved how we honoured him on his birthday...

How do you go on living knowing that you will never again — not ever, ever, ever — see the person you have loved?” Julian wonders. “How do you survive a single hour, a single minute, a single second of that knowledge?‘” Thats exactly how I feel. And to be honest, I may be alive/surviving, but Im not living....

Our first birthday apart and my first time at the grave... Yesterday was (wouldve been) my loves birthday. Beautiful Zubeir wouldve only been 26. In loving memory of him, my family, close friends and I dedicated the afternoon to spending time at a school where there are orphaned children with special cases. We gave them all lunch and hampers as well as presents. Zubeir wouldve loved this as he loved children and also did alot of charity work with our family.. It was a bitter sweet day... Later I decided i needed to go to his/their graves for the first time (Zubeir, his brother and uncle's - who died in that tragic accident on July 25). I didnt get to go on the day of the funeral as the burial according to Islam is attended only by men... As it was my loves birthday, I wanted to put red roses on his grave, like he used to give me Going to the grave was by far the hardest thing Ive ever done in my life:( -seeing his name on the grave, was the hardest thing ive ever faced. It was real and i was finished. I got home and cried histerically. I only fell asleep after taking a sleeping tablet.I now know hes never coming back. My beautiful person is gone:( and the person in all of my photos and memories is no longer.. This is so hard. I am dying inside!!

I know exactly how u feel. Ive been given the "single" status without even asking for it! People were impatient with me too and still are. The way i see it is that this is about me now....I dont really care about being "ridiculous" like some might say.... 3 months later and I still have break down without knowing its coming. Wednesday is zubeirs birthday (would have been) and whilst others want me to spend the day with them (out of the kindness of their hearts), i just want to be alone and visit him at the grave for the first time, with my parents. We're also going to do something in his name - charity - because we both did alot of charity work and this will be our way of honouring his life...

KayC, i know exactly how you feel... Its like those memories are just ours now...not memories with them, but just ours. Also, its like they were here once, doing things like watching movies with us, eating with us, and now they're not. The way I feel is like that was a different life - its so strange, and my whole world has just changed. What proof of that life do we have? I still cant believe hes gone....how is it possible that that person in all my photo albums is just gone... In years to come, I can see me saying the same things you're saying "did he exist?" because its like a part of your life that feels like a past life, because that person is no longer here and all we're left with is our own memories... So very strange...

Oh KayC...you've just made my day....seriously. When you feel the way i have been feeling, theres no reasoning with yourself...You know, the thing is that with guilt, you cant see everything else and its like you cant look past it. Even though you know what is right in front of you. You're right in that I should look at "before he died" because we were certainly past the fighting and already starting to get better. Its just such a pity that we didnt get to where we had always been and he passed away:( I am not angry anymore as well, coz I realised that they are at where zubeir and I woudve been had he been alive today, infact more happy, coz our relationship was never on the rocks until that day of the text....and we got past that. KayC That says it all....thank you! I know what we had and it was a relationship that was out of this world....Right now im smiling instead of sobbing.. Lots of love M

I still feel alot of guilt - guilt for having been the last to speak to him at 4:30am and not having maybe said something differently that couldve perhaps changed the outcome (which i know would not have been the case). He met in the accident at 5:10am. I have so much guilt, for 3 weeks before the accident, a friend who i was there for (also married like ive mentioned in posts before) sent me a text apologising for having kissed me, saying "Im sorry I kissed you, but I fell in love with you" and his wife had read that and threatened to ruin my life. Even though my love and I worked things out, it was still hard for him to believe that i had put myself in that situation, not told him about it, even though I had not responded to that kiss. He had alot of anger in him - confronted the guy and was still hurt...I will never forgive myself... Now, i still have alot of anger. I posted before and got past it, but its back again. I have anger for the person who (with me) practically ruined mine and zubeirs last few weeks together. The person i now have to see so happy, when im the miserable one... when he was the one who kissed ME!! When he explained the text to his wife, he said "WE kissed" !?! and that he fell in love with me whilst I was being there for him. She hates me. Its a pity i didnt stoop to telling her everything he had said and how i had to stop him from that kiss, and how he was the only one that called me... My love died hurting i know that :( We didnt get a chance to get "100% better"

Thank you Carol anne

Hi Karebare Really sorry for your loss.....as it still is early, you're going to feel alot of strange things. Its 3 months since my zubeir passed away tragically in a car accident and theres so many emotions that you will go through... I felt alot of guilt - guilt for having been the last to speak to him at 4:30am and not having maybe said something differently that couldve perhaps changed the outcome (which i know would not have been the case). He met in the accident at 5:10am. I wished I stayed on the phone longer, or said something different... Now, i have alot of anger. Then theres days when i sob constantly coz Im just missing him. For 3.5 years we were best friends, we were a couple that people would envy, so in love and so happy, talking throughout the day, texting, emailing.... I too have been sleeping in the living room...its too hard to do some things... I wish you the best in your journey. Know that we are all here and that you are not alone... Be strong and know its all partof the healing process Lots of love M

thank you all....this place really helps me... Marion your words are so true and just like I said...I cant imagine 56 years with someone - knowing only them and then losing them....it must be devasting....but you're right either young or old, it just hurts too much... I will forever wonder what our kids would've looked like, what would it have been like to grow old with him (sobbing....) MAN i just cant too this!!How could he leave me! why??? Nats, even though I cant imagine being with someone else, I know Im not meant to be alone forever..but its about whether I can ever go through this again...I guess time will help... Kay, i read your post as is to my mom and she couldnt agree with you more - she is supposed to be there for me as my mom and I should not feel guilty that I am taking them for granted... You're also so right about "living each day" Thats what i used to always say to people. Even though right now i live each day for the sake of it, I know one day i'll be back to living life as the bubbly person(s) I and he was... Nirac and Karebare, we will always wonder "what if," but I guess all we can do is hold on to the "what we had's" - which was the most amazing time with this person in the last few years of their life...

Thanks Allana and Chrissie... Its really hard trying to work and theres so many moments of set-back...when you just cant stop the tears and when you cant work and dont want to. To be honest, my biggest motivation to be at work, is knowing that Im leaving soon..crazy i know, but thats exactly it. I have to finish off some big tasks in order to leave... But every day there is a moment or two or three, sometimes the whole day, when all i can do is weep...I so need this! Will keep everyone posted - hopefully it will be better than being here in this country with all the memories to face, not just the ones in my heart, but the physical memories of places we've eaten at, visited, shopped at...etc:(

thanks Chrissie...we really are all blessed to have such wonderful, loving family and friends and the wonderful friends we've found on here