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Horrible Night!

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Tonight I took my daughter to the pumpkin patch. Its been a tradition with my husband and I for as long as I've known him. We took my sister, and goddaughter, and then our own daughter when she came along. Althogether we've gone for like 8yrs. We always go with my best friend and her family. Our kids are the same age, and Shawn's best friend which is our daughter's godfather. So I sucked it up and took my daughter this year even without shawn. It was horrible. I say his friend and mine with their significant others and got so upset. The guys went in the haunted maze and it should have been my husband in there too! While the women complained about having to wait for them. It should have been my husband carrying my daughter on his shoulders, and leading her in the kiddie maze. He should have been holding my hand and keeping me warm. It should have been him and I helping Lilly pick out her pumpkin. This is the first outing that has really killed me. It was horrible and I dont want to do anything with couples for a very long time! Hand holding, snuggling, laughing, and kissing. Just a reminder that I lost not only my soulmate, I lost my intimate partner and best friend. My comrade in arms, and tonight I fell the full effects. God it was awful!

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I know how you feel Karebare - I decided about a month after my husband Jeff died that I would start accepting invitations.....try to continue living without him. My daughter's boyfriends family had gotten a house on Martha's Vineyard and had invited all of us to visit for the day. I figured it was a place Jeff and I had never been to together so maybe it would be easier. Well, I was wrong. I drove an hour to get the ferry to the island....spent a half hour on the ferry to get there. I had never been there before, it was beautiful....and I was instantly reduced to tears. I couldn't help thinking that Jeff would have loved it there. He and I would have made more wonderful memories there. All I wanted to do was go home, but I was stuck. We weren't scheduled to leave on the ferry for hours and the last thing I wanted was to ruin the day for everyone else. Somehow I made it through the day, but I came home completely overwhelmed. It felt like I was starting the grieving process all over again. What I realized was that it was just too soon for me - I was trying to force myself to start living again and I was just not ready.

A good thing I can tell you is that now it has been almost 4 months and I am in a better place than I was then. When I accept an invitation, or when I do something I'm not quite sure of - I make sure I bring my own vehicle and I just see how it goes. I make it clear to others involved that I will go and play things by ear. If I end up having a good time, that's great. If I go and start to feel overwhelmed, I just excuse myself and I go home. People understand.

Getting used to "alone" is such a hard thing to do. You are not alone in how you feel Karebare - we here all feel it, we all wish we weren't having to deal with it....and we all wish that our most special loved one hadn't died. I can tell you that gradually it does get a little easier. You don't really see it as its happening......but I look back over the last 3 months and I am amazed at where I am now. I haven't "gotten over it", I haven't "let him go"......but I am gradually learning to live a new life, one filled with all the wonderful memories that he and I created.

Be easy on yourself, take things one day at a time....and if something is too hard to do, then maybe it's just too soon for you.



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Hi Karebare and Tammy:

It's just been a little over a week for me and I still have to finish school this semester, so I really had no choice but to try to get back on track, at least in some things. I went to our church last week, but I sat in a different place....I was a mess the whole service. I went this morning and resumed sitting in our old spot. I wasn't as much a mess as last week, but still shaky. It is so hard being alone after having been a couple. Especially when some people apparently still haven't heard of his death and ask me 'where's Clint?'. It's like I have to relive it over and over again. I was invited out last night by some friends, but turned it down. I am not going to overwhelm myself with 'trying to be normal' just yet. Friends mean well, but they really don't understand the grief process. Also, losing a child or parent or sibling is devastating, but much different than a significant other/fiance/spouse. It's like you're not whole anymore and I realize, too, that I have to begin living as an individual again at some point. It just hurts too bad right now to progress past moment to moment. We all share the same pain here. I hope you're having a better day today.

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