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I can only say that three years and four months gives a sort of kinship, I guess. But all I know is that I'm right there with you.

Hi ShanN....I haven't posted in a while, but when I read your post, I thought back to October, 2010, when I lost my Buck. I can feel the anguish in your words and know that only time will help the pain diminish. I could not understand why the world kept right on turning when mine had been crushed. Just know that each of us grieves in our own way and that there is no specific time frame to deal with it all. I remember looking at his pictures, talking to them and wondering how I could ever survive it. But time has a way of helping us gain perspective. So keep posting...it really helps, and be kind to yourself. I am so sorry for your loss. Take care. Marietta

Hello Jan...just a note to say I understand your anguish, too. It has been a little over two years for me and I still struggle as well. Take care. Marietta

Hi Lina, I am truly sorry for your loss. I felt the same when I lost my fiance 18 months ago. I found that each day was a struggle. I am attaching a link which really helped me. They will send you a daily e-mail each day throughout your first year...which is the most difficult. I hope you find comfort in this resource. Love, Marietta http://dailyemails.g...dailyemails/my/

Hello Kimberly, I can relate to how you are feeling. It has been 18 months since Buck died and I know that at six months I was still a mess. The only thing that kept me moving forward was finishing my degree. I will graduate Saturday and the sadness that he won't be there is painful. You're correct, in that the pain isn't as intense, but that depends upon the day. I was thinking about this earlier today before I read your post, and I have come to realize that it's not that I'm used to his death as much as I'm getting used to his no longer being present in body. Living alone isn't as scary as it was 18 months ago, but I still have bad days. I don't expect the sadness to end completely, because a big piece of my heart and soul went with him. You will find solace in other ways, in time. Just allow yourself to feel what you feel right now.

Kim, I can relate. Buck has been gone 16 months and I struggle each day with the loss. I'm better able to manage, but the ache of loss remains. They say that as time progresses the pain eases...but there are times when it's just as raw as the day he died.

Hi Dwayne Your post really touched me because when Clint died, I was right at the point of mid terms in October, 2010. I was completely devastated and during his illness, tried so hard to concentrate--even studying while he was in surgery awaiting his return to the room. He never fully recuperated from the biopsy and spoke only once more before slipping into the coma. I had a very difficult math class that year and two additional classes. I have waited many years to complete my degree and never even anticipated losing the love of my life in the interim. I had considered withdrawing from everything back then--it was difficult to read, study or even know if anything was real anymore. I don't know what exactly happened, but my professors allowed me time to make arrangements and attend the funeral, but even beyond that, whenever I couldn't deal, I could leave campus to compose myself. I found that in working the complex math scenarios, I could focus on something outside his death, that there was at least ONE thing I had some control over. The waves of depression will come and go and it seems that as soon as you feel stronger, and able to move ahead, you're knocked backward again. These feelings will happen, but don't let them stop you from making progress. Take the meds if you need them for now, that doesn't mean you'll always need to rely on them. You will find that as you progress toward your degree, once course at a time, you will feel better. You will experience a feeling of accomplishment that you can do something for yourself to enhance your life. We will never forget our loved ones, and for me, each time I have managed to complete a semester, I tell Clint that I've completed another rung of the ladder. I will graduate in May, finally. My dream was that he would be here to see me get the degree. But I believe he will be here, in spirit, just as your Pauline will be. Keep posting and take one day at a time, one class at a time, one test at a time. I'm pulling for you! Marietta

Hi Ref, I was so touched by your post. I am so sorry you lost your wife, and so recent. It's still probably so unreal to you right now. I can relate, so well. I lost my fiance last October, 2010, and I haven't posted much this Holiday season, probably because it just doesn't hold the same meaning for me, and last year I didn't really celebrate. Nothing will ever be the same for you, but it is really too new to even consider 'celebration' a reality anymore. Right now you have to take care of yourself, the feelings and grief are overwhelming, but let the pain flow through and don't concern yourself with tradition. Those things as you knew it for the last 20 years are forever changed. I met my fiance in my early 40's and thought I had finally found who I would spend the rest of my life with. He was the very best man I had ever known and after the previous mistakes I had made in my life, it was finally my turn to be happy. But then cancer stepped in and took his life....suddenly...I really had no time to even adjust to the horror of loss before he was gone. So, I do understand where you are today. All the memories, decorations, traditions...what to do with all that? I didn't do anything last Christmas. I decorated the tree for my young son and made the Holidays as best I could, for his sake, but he was suffering, too. I didn't go anywhere, no parties, no cheer, no joy and believe me, this Christmas isn't much different, except that the sting of his death isn't as painful. But the grief lives on. I still haven't put away all his things, but I can speak of him now without falling apart. It will take lots of time, but give yourself that time to work through all your feelings. The trunk will NOT be big enough for all your memories! But your heart can hold it all. Don't put anything away or change anything until YOU are ready. No need to rush that right now. Take care and keep posting. It helps.

Hi RMH Today marked the anniversary of my dear Buck's death. I reflected this entire week about the past year, and now that I have gone through all the holidays, his birthday, our special dates and now the actual death date, I find that the horror of it all has passed, yet his absence is still felt. At the beginning, coming home was unbearable and all I did was cry. I guess I'm used to his not being here now, but the loss of his presence in my life is what continues to cause deep sorrow. It's much like the other posters have stated, the storms are further apart, but the loss remains real; I'm just a bit better at dealing with it now. I am so sorry for your loss, and five months is still very new--time is the healer. It's okay that being at home without him is paralyzing and there may still be an overwhelming feeling of disbelief. These are expected reactions, but at least you are getting out and about--that can be therapeutic and I'm happy to know you're able to do so. I'm still working on getting out more often. Remember, we all do grief differently. Take care.

Abergsma: Happy Thanksgiving to you in Canada! This will be my second year around to do the holidays alone...I, too, was mostly in shock last year, but it still hurts quite a bit. Here's to round two... Take care.

Hi Userfriendly I am so sorry for your loss, and as our other member mentioned, at such a young age. Don't worry...none of us is perfect and don't judge a cause of death...the main reason for us being here is to support each other. I can tell you that I went through the shock...at first that's really all to compare the feeling to. My love died last October, so the last year was spent in shock. I'm finally coming out of it a bit...I can tell you though--time is what you need now. Compassion from those who've gone through it and help from your friends. They may scatter after a while because after all the services and condolences, they do go on about their lives. It's us who have to rediscover what life will be. Try to find a grief support group, if you're ready for that. But be kind to yourself, get plenty of rest and take care of your health. Cry, cry, cry when you need to and know that the grief process takes TIME and it's different for all of us. Keep posting here, too. We'll be here for you and we understand the reason for asking the 'whys'. Take good care.

Hi Melina. I am sorry you're having a hard time with difficult people. I can relate to your ability to handle most things, but missing your partner and protector. Buck was my sounding board and voice of reason. He never allowed people to upset him to the point of 'no return' so to speak. Things that would push my buttons just rolled off him. I do miss him so much for that. The anniversary of his death is 10/22 and it is so difficult sometimes. Thirty years is a very long time to be together, so it will be longer, I think, for you to feel whole without your husband. I know the feeling of being lost in a world that just keeps moving while you're still standing still in many ways. At the risk of offending people, I can only tell you that my faith is what sustains me....that and knowing that I don't have a choice. Buck is gone and will never return....but....I can reflect upon his kindness and sense of order and stability. I feel a sense of calm when I remember his words of comfort to me during periods of high stress. He would tell me, 'it will be all right' and 'take a deep breath, the feeling will pass'...things like that. He was right. I cannot react whenever I want to do so...I can't always say whatever I'm thinking. We have to change what we can and hope for wisdom to know the difference...then take steps toward needed changes. I hope you get through your trials successfully...I believe you will do it! You have gotten this far...and like your son said....'forget it'. Kids do have a way of putting things in perspective. You're doing just fine. Take good care!

Hi LOH, I am truly sorry for your loss and can identify with you. My first anniversary will be 10/22 and although I don't feel totally depressed anymore, the sadness remains. I can only tell you that if it had not been for my concentration on school and caring for my son, I don't know where I would be. My love meant the world to me and I was so tied up in our relationship. I may have given away a bit too much of myself, though--but I guess I retained enough of who I am, myself, that I wasn't totally destroyed. But I still ask 'why me'? And why did he have to die? This entire month will probably be difficult, and I will just try to take one day at a time. I hope you can find a friend or hobby; something to give you meaning for your own growth. We will never be the same, I don't expect to be the same person because I'm not. You're different, too and it may take a bit longer to find out where your place is without your love. But you do matter!!! Keep coming back to post with us. We'll be here. Take good care.........

Harry, I am not embarrassed by what's done in my faith's name. I practice my faith personally and don't have a hidden agenda when I do so. But I won't hesitate to mention how it helps with my particular grieving process. And each process is an individual experience. I am offended by some of the things I read, but don't stop reading and posting because of it. I don't agree with every lifestyle, religion or livelihood, but I am tolerant of differences. Of course, that is only my opinion, as is the case with posters who profess their religious beliefs. I would hope you don't leave because of this, because I'm sure you have wisdom to share that could potentially be helpful to another reader. However, if it is truly upsetting, I wish you well.

Mary, the first anniversary of Buck's death, which was also unanticipated, will be 10/22. I am 53 and he would have been 54 on 9/16. It's going to be a rough ride between now and the anniversary, and beyond I fear. I move from day to day doing what needs to be done, but have had a hard time of it recently. I can understand your ebbs and flows. I'm at a difficult age for women in terms of ever considering a future mate, not that I'm even that far advanced at this point. I'm convinced no one could ever fill his shoes. But I'm not so convinced I want to be without a partner for the duration, which could be a very long time. I think joining a grief support group could be beneficial for you. I've been in grief counseling throughout my grief process--at least they can identify more objectively than family and friends sometimes.

Just stopped in Suzanne, to tell you that I understand exactly how you feel. The first anniversary is fast approaching and this past year has been very difficult living without the man I loved so dearly. You are not alone.

Hello Di, It will be ten months since Buck died on August 22 and I believe that he's aware of what goes on here in this life. I believe he gives me signs that's he's near and has his ways of comforting me. I believe his spirit is all around me, and that if it had been up to him, he would never have left me. My belief in God tells me that although we wish things had been different, He had other plans. I believe Buck told me when he had departed this life, it could have been the way the sun suddenly darted from behind the clouds that morning, or maybe shortly before he went in for the biopsy he signaled that he wasn't long for 'here'. I know he squeezed my hand so hard before he slipped away, and he couldn't have had that much stength left by then. It does seem unfair that I'm here and he's gone, why him and not me? I don't necessarily think I got the better deal, though, because I believe he's beyond all the pain and anguish this life brings. My beliefs don't however, eliminate the pain, anger and frustration I still deal with day to day. The loss of my love makes this life much harder, but I do believe he is aware of it. I hold on to these beliefs as my coping mechanism and because I look forward to seeing Buck again in a Divine Resting place. Take care, Marietta

Cheryl, You have made progress and for that I am so happy for you! This is hard every single day and although some days I don't dwell in the grief, I still have difficulty watching couples I knew when Buck was alive...still together...still living their lives even though mine will never be the same. I still envy them and try to be genuinely happy for them. But I still struggle with "Why me". The new normal is something I must accept, to do anything less is unrealistic....is it not??

Hi Melina...yes, his nickname was "Buck". I can, at least, cherish the dream since I'll never hear his voice again. It still seems unreal to me, too........

KayC: I have been having this terrible yearning to be 'held'....it has just been soooooo long. I really miss the security of his arms around me. I can relate..........

I haven't been posting frequently. I stop by from time to time to offer helpful comments and comfort. I apologize for the absence. It's just that life just keeps on going along. Almost as though Buck was never here, never died and we were never together. Some people haven't skipped a beat, even though my whole world was shattered and establishment of a 'new normal' has taken almost a year of my life. I had a dream a few weeks back, and all I really remember of it is lying down next to Buck, placing my fist into his open palm as he closed his fist on mine [as we'd always done]. He said "what's up?" in his voice. I was so startled, even in the dream, as though even in a dream I knew he was dead, so why was I hearing his voice? It WAS his voice and I hadn't heard it since October 19, 2010, the day of his biopsy, the last day he spoke. I was in tears....because I had prayed to hear his voice...just one more time, so that I could remember how it sounded. It will be a year 10/22/10. I'm still having a hard time with my 'new normal'. Hope you all are well. Marietta.......

Hi Wishful, So sorry to hear of your loss. It really doesn't matter when a loved one contributes to their own demise....the death hurts the same. Anger? Lots of it. Especially early on and definitely when you have a child to care for. You're angry at the loss of your partner and having been left alone to grieve AND with the responsibility of the child. It is a hard, hard road. But we've all been there, and we understand. Just as our forum friends have stated....it is good to get the anger out....only find ways to express it without harm to yourself or those you love. I am thinking of you...remembering the horror, shock and anger at the beginning. You are in my prayers. Marietta

Praying for you Kay....

Hi Melina. I feel a kinship with you, in that our anniversary dates are so close. My year will be in October and this month marks the serious downfall of Buck's health before his death. My son played football two years ago, but didn't play last year -- there was just too much going on. He wanted to play again, so he attended his first practice yesterday. I was overwhelmed with the grief that Buck was not there, as he had always been, to stay for the practice. I didn't have him to talk with and had to reunite with the couples that we met two years ago. It was all I could do to keep the tears away. But I did get through it. The people there had no idea that Buck died, and were shocked to hear. Reliving it wasn't as difficult as the first few months. I am also 53, and although Buck and I had not been together as long as you and your husband, he was the very best man I'd ever been involved with. It's ironic that he was the one that was taken away. I finally met someone who was good for me and my son, and he's gone. I still have difficulty with the enormity of it all. I can relate to possibly never being with anyone else -- no one could ever be to me what he was. He was such a mixture of everything I needed in my life. And he was someone I could really depend upon. I do come in contact with men from time to time, but they're either already married, involved or looking for someone younger, or at least it appears that way. We are at a very complex stage in life....too young to be old and too old to be young, which is another reason I felt fortunate that Buck and I found each other. It was like, I had one last chance and I finally made a quality choice! Then it was snatched away! So, I suppose I'm where you are; here for my kids, but as for me? Just awaiting to die, as well. I suppose this could be perceived as depression, but I'm not really depressed anymore....just sort of resigned.

Hello Cheryl, This is my first 4th of July without Buck and I'm still in the first year anniversary phase, so can't get in the mood for any holidays. I am home and have not attended any picnics, barbecues or fireworks. I'm not depressed, but the sadness remains. I can't really get excited about any of the upcoming events. I've never really been big on holidays anyway, but we did have each other and now that's over. It's very quiet, which isn't unbearable. I like it that way. It's good to know that next year I could be in the mood for baking and cooking! Thank you for the possibilities.