I Think I Am Starting To Lose It: Another Good Friend Gone

[ellis]

I am starting to feel numb. Just lost my beloved friend and 72 year old mentor who was like another mother to me. Cancer recurrence after four years of remission. I saw her the day before she died, knew she would pass. Going back to her state for the memorial service in two days. She wanted me to speak at the service (I am a lawyer, as she was) and she trusted me with a lot of responsibilities. Last trip involved helping the executor clean up the law office. Absolutely wrenching.

This will be the third funeral of a close female friend in four years. Lost a fellow lawyer friend in 07, read the Old Testament lesson at the service (her request thru relatives). Two years ago, my best friend from childhood (knew her since I was 9 mos old, she was my maid of honor, etc.) was shot to death in front of the police by an evil ex-boyfriend. Her dad (who is like another dad to me) asked me to speak at the service. I did.

I am reeling. I work a demanding job with abusive as hell clients. Just got cursed out this morning for something that wasn't my fault. Difficult.

My life seems to be shrinking in the wake of these losses. Thank god my mentor was 72 years old. My best friend was killed at 40 and my attorney buddy was 52. I am not feeling like myself, I go to work, go home and change into comfy clothes and park on the couch. Yes, feeling immobilised.

I have not been on a date since my best friend was killed, as I had a husband who was ugly and abusive to me. I have no desire to meet anyone who is capable of taking my life or hurting me. I don't have the energy for it. I don't work with terribly sympathetic people either. I keep to myself at work because it is better to fly below the radar. The usual "Never a kind word" school of management. As in you never hear anything until you make a mistake.

I am seeing a counselor, but she is not specifically grief-related. I talk to her every 3 weeks or so more as a sounding board, to check myself and see if I really am losing it. I think I may need to do something more intensive and grief-related. Also a tough time of the year. Lost my boyfriend and dad ten years ago this Christmas season (12/23/00 and 1/18/01). Tends to make this time of year basically unpleasant.

I know that there is hope, but i have had a series of losses seemingly back to back, at least as pertains to friends.

[MartyT]

Dear friend, I'm so sorry to learn of all the losses you've endured in this short span of time, and I can only imagine how overwhelmed with grief you must feel. I am struck by your comment that you're seeing a counselor "but she is not specifically grief-related." Given your recent history, I'm reminded of the story of the fellow who goes to buy milk in a hardware store. As a lawyer yourself, I'm sure you know there are times when the services of a specialist are indicated. I've nothing against your counselor, and it's good to know that you are open to seeking that sort of help ~ but the simple fact is that not all therapists and counselors are educated, skilled or experienced in grief and companioning the bereaved. If your counselor does not have that particular professional training and background, you might consider asking for a referral to a counselor or therapist who specializes in grief. You can also contact your local funeral home or hospice organization, as they usually keep good referral lists and would know what bereavement services are available in your community.

At the very least, I hope you'll take time to read some of the posts in these forums, so you'll see that you're not alone. See, for example, Losing Multiple Friends.