Introduction

[BLEU-BERRY]

Hello friends,

I have recently been referred to this board from a friend on a dailystrength bereavement forum. I wanted to say hello to you all and give you a short recap of what has happened to me and where I am in the grieving process.

My father, who was 48 at the time, was always an extremely healthy man. I honestly only ever remember him having a cold or stomach virus a handful of times in my life. After the winter this past year, he was having a great deal of back pain that would not let up, and he thought he had hurt himself shoveling snow after one of our big storms. We all thought the same, and I repeatedly told him he probably had a dislocated disk. However, the pain continued and got worse, and he went to the doctors in April. After a month or so of testing, my father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer that had spread to his pelvis, hips, ribs, spine, and brain.

My father’s battle was not long, but was extremely painful for him and all of us. He was always a very laid back, happy person, but was a very different person once he got sick. It was so easy to see the pain in his eyes and the fear of leaving his family behind with so much left to see. He deteriorated very quickly, and a week before he died we were told that the cancer had spread virtually all throughout his body. This 3 months after diagnosis. He died of a brain hemorrhage about 5 days later.

I feel guilty about the night he died because I repeatedly asked his wife and doctor why he was acting so funny. He was very joyful and was joking around and eating, which he never did ever since he was sick. He was exhibiting strange behavior and I asked the nurse to please watch him carefully after I left. He was on so many pain medications though that I never thought too much about it. The phone call I got a few hours later burns in my mind.

As I’m sure some of you have experienced, being there to watch someone in their final hours adds a whole new aspect to the grieving process. I never left his side, but the visions of those 6 hours haunt me every day. I will never forget it for as long as I live, and watching him die has changed my life. Sometimes, it’s literally impossible for me to get the visions out of my head and they submerge me.

It’s been three months since my father died. While I have gotten better in some areas, I remain stagnant in others. I have isolated a lot of people in my life out of bitterness towards their happiness, and I am very fearful. His death has changed me so quickly, and I never thought my world could change so fast. I do not look forward to the future anymore and I lack the drive and inspiration that I once had. I live in fear that all my beliefs in God and the afterlife have been a mistake, and it’s hard for me to know that Ill never know for sure whether or not I will be with my father again. At this point in life, I just feel like I’m in a lost state. I’ve had signs, I’ve gone to a medium, and these have helped, so I am just trying to take it one day at a time and hopefully find some answers for myself.

Well, that’s my story, and I hope I can find more people to relate to in this forum. It has helped me tremendously to know that I’m not the only person who feels these feelings!

[hello123]

Hey Bleu-Berry, I'm so so sorry for ur loss, just want to say that there are people who can relate to you on here and everything you say I guarantee someone will be feeling the same, my dad was the same-ish he was never unwell always happy and active and hurt his ankle playing football was carrying on normal and suddenly a blood clot killed him at 50, it's different because I didnt have to watch him suffer which is good and bad, I'm sorry you have those images and things like that will be hard to be forgotten the image that haunts me the most is seeing his body be cremated, although as time has passed I have stopped thinking about that, I wish I had a chance to say goodbye that haunts me so much as well, but as for isolating everyone you've come to the right place!! Everytime someone tells a story about a friend who has let them down makes me feel so much better because then It's like PHEW i'm not the only one this is happening to, i'm not abnormal! Don't think you're alone because everything you're feeling someone has felt/feeling, and it's a good place to write on xxx

[jodo]

Hi Bleu-berry,

Thank-you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your Dad. I also lost my Dad almost a year ago - It was very sudden, He went into a coma on Christmas eve, and we had to take him off life support on Dec. 30th. I still have unbearable pain and grief. I (like you) struggle daily with the visions in my mind of those last days and hours, and it's even gotten worse lately (leading to terrible anxiety attacks) I am looking into hypnosis , acupuncture, or ANYTHING that might help with this.

I wish I had the answers for you , I keep hoping everyday that someone is going to suggest some miracle solution ? I am truly "stuck", I don't feel like doing anything at all, life is meaningless. I completely understand when you say your life has changed, I don't think I'll ever be the same again ?

I don't know what else to say, just that I (and everyone here) will be with you on this journey.

Love and Peace to you,

Jodi

[2sweetgirls]

Hello Bleu-berry,

I am so sorry for the loss of you dad. I wish I could say something to make it better but, there are no words.

I just want to let you know that as I read your post, I was nodding my head the whole way. I have felt or do feel as you do at some point or another.

I lost both of my parents within 10 months time. Mom passed on Nov 30, 2009 and dad passed on Oct 4th of this year. Two very different experiences - we didn't make it to be with mom while she was in hospice. I still struggle with the fact that she died with no family around her. She was a great woman who would take the shirt off her back for you if she loved you. Her children were her life and the fact that one or both of us couldn't be there to hold her hand will haunt me forever, I think. She didn't deserve that. My dad was having an operation at the time of her death and was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer the day after mom died. He fought a brave fight for 10 months until kidney failure took him. This time my brother and I, along with our families, flew down to be with him. It was extremely hard to watch someone you love deteriorate and eventually fade away. I also have images in my head that I just can't shake no matter how I try. I think they are emblazed in my brain.

I understand the bitterness toward people who are happy. I also feel that way when I see older people. I wonder why did my parents have to die and others much older than them are still alive. I can relate to your feelings towards God and the afterlife but, I have to keep the faith that I will see and be with them again or I will completely lose it.

I don't know if you believe in the power of dreams but, somehow, someway, when they do come, it makes me feel better. I have been praying since dad died for both mom and dad to come to me in a dream to let me know that they are ok. The other night they finally came. The warm smile and loving embrace mom gave me that I miss so much, while dad smiled and watched nearby, gave me a bit of peace. Almost to show me that they are together and they love me. That is how I choose to interpret it anyway.

I hope with all of my heart that you can be at peace at least a small bit at a time. It does come in waves. Just when I seem to have a "decent" day, the next seems to take me backwards. It's normal. It really stinks, but it's normal.

Just remember we are all hear for the same reason and will support you in any way possible without judging. This website has helped me tremendously. I don't know what I would have done without it.

Love and peace to you today, tomorrow and always.

2sweetgirls

[niamh]

hi BleuBerry ,

(It's me from ds !)

Welcome to here and thank you for sharing with us. I am so so sorry for all your pain.

I just nod and agree with so much of what you write (altho my Dad went suddenly so I have no clue of the torture of watching someone's life fade away). But I do have the images too of them doing CPR on my Dad but deep down I knew he was already gone from this world. It's awful reliving those moments and at times it just brings me to my knees.

I think when we lose someone so significant it changes us for sure. I feel like I am also grieving for the old me, my old life. Feels like my judgement is completely whacked out these days. I also don't look to the future and when I do it's just fear, no more drive like you say, I just cannot care about anything really.

I go easy on myself though and just focus on getting through it all minute by minute and trying to think tmrw will take care of itself.

I'm glad there is some comfort for you knowing you are not alone with your feelings. Just know that we are always here, listening sharing and never judging. This site feels like my second home, the safest place in the world and just a lifeline for me,

sending you much love and ((HUGS))) Blue,

Niamh

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