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Feel Stupid Writing This!


hello123

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I just figured out what this forum meant, my dad passed away really suddenly a few months ago i'm living my worst nightmare never thought anything like this could happen, however i was with my bf at the time and my first love, and he let me down so badly, his dad had died when he was younger and I thought he would be there for me, he couldnt hack it (fair enough) but they way he did it was so harsh, he ignored me for months, and the worst thing was I needed to concentrate on my family, on trying to accept what had happened to me but he was also always in my thoughts, and I felt so guilty and now its been a bit longer and STILL I cant get over it, I found out after we broke up he had been lying about his age all that time, such a big lie all that trust it still didnt put me off him, I dont know what it is hes the opposite of the kind of boyfriend i want the opposite of my dad, hes not generous he doesnt think of me or look after me (hes not a bad person at all). But anyway its killing me, I actually sobbed over him the other day and it makes me feel so guilty to cry over something else apart from my dad, i hate it but i cant help it its been so long why did he hurt me like this when Im already suffering unimaginable pain and why cant i just forget and get over it and concentrate on what's important!!!!!!!!

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I am so sorry for what you're going through! I have just been through something similar only with me, I was engaged for a year and my BF dumped me to take care of his mom to the exclusion of me and now that she's passed away, we're still broke up. I no longer trust him but I would have been willing to work on things but he's not interested, yet he calls me all the time now, after totally avoiding me for months. And they say women are confusing, ha!

You have so much on your plate with losing your dad and then having your BF desert you when you needed him. I hate to say this but you deserve and need better than that. Try to tough it out, you'll get over him eventually, even though it doesn't feel like it right now. Please don't feel guilty for crying over him when you're grieving your dad, you are grieving over both of them and there's no way around that, loss is loss no matter how it comes. Think of your tears like a release valve, it releases the pressure that would build up inside of you if not for them, so they are a healthy thing when you are grieving.

I wish there were something I could say to help you but I'm afraid there's no way around the pain but straight through it and it takes time. I felt like my heart was going to break and I cried as recently as yesterday (he broke up with me August 10th), it was hard to eat, sleep, or anything. But it will continue healing, little by little. Hold onto what you know inside of you that you need and deserve and someday you will have it...it doesn't sound like he has it in him to be there for you. That doesn't make him a bad person, just not someone you can count on through thick and thin. Jim and I still talk (now) and are friends to a point, but it won't ever be like it once was and that makes me very, very sad as I do still love him and I miss him very much.

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It's very possible that because of his early loss, that he just can't deal with grief...he may have avoided you because of it. We both know that's not an adequate response, but it may explain his behavior. Oftentimes, a fresh loss brings up the memories of an old loss...and memories are associated with feelings and set off responses in the brain that we sometimes don't understand. I'm sorry, it's just a hard situation, just like mine is. I hope you can start feeling better soon. (((hugs)))

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Yeah alot of people have said that, I just dont think I would do that if roles were reversed, and he always said to me how much worse my situaion was and sometimes i feel so so sorry for him because he didnt have his family around him like i do and thats one of the main reasons i kept going back i wanted to be there for him like nobody else (so he says) ever was. But I know my family need me more so need to stop wasting time, and as for you im really sorry all I can say is the cliched advice that maybe keep ur distance until your feelings arent as strong then it will e easier to be friends? But I know it doesnt always work like that so just take care/look after yourself first!! And thank you!!

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No, you and I would not have done that to them, because we are strong loyal types that see people through thick and thin. They, on the other hand, are too weak or crippled inside to be able to do so even if they desired to. I feel sorry for them because it must be hard to live with knowing that about yourself.

You re in my thoughts and prayers today...try not to think of him...if you catch yourself thinking of him, change your thoughts mid-stream onto something else. It takes a little practice but can be done.Try not to give him the benefit of a tear today, he isn't deserving of it.

I don't know which is harder, my enduring this ill treatment for the fifth time (I've had six major relationships, the good one ended in death and the other five ended in their breaking up with me) or your losing your "first love", it is hard either way. But it can be gotten over with time, it just takes a pathway of pain and determination to get there. I sense you are strong though, you will make it and you'll go on to find someone someday that is more deserving of your devotion.

Good luck to you!

Kay

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Thank you Kay! Therein lies the problem, I choose to think about it because although it hurts doesn't hurt nearly as much as the thought of the fact that I have lost my father permanently, thats the worst bit, it makes me sad to think about that so I prefer to think about how hes treating me and about it because it makes me angry and not nearly as helpless and sick to think of everything else! And because I know I'll forget about it where as this it'll stay forever, it's the only distraction I have that works so its my own fault! Sorry for going on, for you I dont know all I can say it that you seem strong as well and I've learnt that if you dont expect anything off anyone you won't be disappointed, and it sounds so bleak and depressing and nicer to say that you will find someone again and it will be perfect but us people who have experienced a death especially when they're young we know that bad things happen and ruin your life for no reason. My mums only 46 and shes lost her partner of 23 years and shes not the type to start relationships and I know shes gonna be alone for the rest of her life now, but as long as you believe (dunno if i do yet) that they are watching over and that you will see them again (want to believe this but dont) and learn to depend on yourself,not in a lonely spinster way but learn to be happy and content alone, then everything can be ok xxx

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You're pretty wise for your young age, it took me 58 years to learn this! :) It's hard to say if your mom will be alone for the rest of her life or not...I have a dear friend that married a widower in our church at the age of 85 and they are very happy together, it's been three years now! He's seen her through cancer and they are incentive for each other. It gives me hope...if I could have a love like theirs I'd gladly wait until I was 85 to get it! :)

I have learned, however, not to count on men and do my best to take care of myself. I still have feelings for Jim but do my best to move past that and refuse to let my feelings rule me. He needs to figure himself out and I have had to move on...what to, I'm not sure. Take care of yourself and I hope your New Year is a lot better than the last one.

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  • 2 weeks later...

This is the only place when I can vent about him! He's someone I dont even know anymore, been focusing on my family recently but have found out he's seeing someone else who's so different to me it's shocking how you think you know someone and you never really do! Guess I was naive and stupid not gonna make that mistake again its so painful though I hate how people can do this to you and get away with it

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I totally understand how you feel. I still vacillate with anger myself. It's just not fair.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm just really annoyed!! it was 11 months since my dad died and I have no friends to talk to about it because they don;t understand and I cant talk to my family, so I thought I would text my ex and he said you know if you ever want to talk about stuff like that you can always talk to me" he always said it regardless of anything that happens/has happened. And usually I wouldnt but I really wanted to rant, so I asked him to ring when he was free and by midnight I hadnt heard from him so sent a message saying "thanks for ringing I know who to go to when I want to talk" and he was like "sorry I forgot". Now that really hurt because when it was his fathers 8 year anniversary I made an effort to go and see him and be with him I don't know if im overreacting I know I shouldnt expect anyone to be so nice to me especially someone who doesnt even like me anymore but is it too much to ask for? I know I should just forget it and leave it but why is he being like that its so rude and cruel and I'm so angry!!

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There must be a run on men who aren't emotionally available! I'm sorry he wasn't there for you...usually exes don't make good "turning to" material...if they were supportive people we could count on, they wouldn't be an ex, right?

Try to find yourself a different support system, someone other than your exBF as he's just not up to it. (Perhaps a grief support group?) I know you're disappointed and feel let down, and rightly so, but he's just not going to be of much help to you, I'm sorry. You aren't alone in finding this to be true.

I'm sorry for your loss, I wish I could say a magic time when it'll all seem better, but I'm afraid everyone's journey is unique. I lost my dad nearly 29 years ago, and I still miss him. I was greatly helped through that time by the impending birth of my daughter, if it hadn't been for that joy, I don't know what I'd have done, although it seemed bittersweet as my dad wasn't there to get to meet her. I can say it will get better with time, we become more accustomed to the changes that result in our lives as the result of the death of someone we love dearly. Keep coming here and posting as often as you want...there is a loss of parent section here as well and you might encounter others going through similar feelings there.

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Thanks for your reply KayC, yeah I know not to expect off him but I feel like those last few months I could've made the most of time with my dad but I was so preoccupied with my boyfriend and its such a big punishment, and I feel like he owes me because he took all that time away but he cant even be supportive!!! I dunno when I'll stop being angry with him I think it'll last longer than just a usual getting over your ex thing because its so joined together with my dad

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hello,

It's okay to feel angry, you have a lot to feel angry about...I hope it fuels your resolve to better your life and get over your ex. You chose to spend time with him so you can't fault him for taking up your time, nor can you go back and redo it, it is what it is. Your dad, I'm sure, knew how much you loved him...and just as you couldn't have known what day his life would end, you can't fault yourself for the fact that it did. You and your dad are forever joined in your love and in the treasured memories you share.

Hopefully, someday you will share in a relationship where your partner will be more supportive...that is the one good thing that can come from this...having a relationship that does not measure up can help us fully appreciate when we finally have one that does measure up. Don't ever view this as time wasted, but rather a learning experience on which you can now build a better life for yourself. You now have a good idea of what a view of a lacking relationship is...that is a very large part of discovering a relationship that will work for you. It helps to know what you don't want, what you don't find acceptable, when you want to find a relationship that IS what you want and are looking for.

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  • 3 months later...

Despite all the advice that was given on this post I did a stupid thing I got back with my ex because I thought don't I deserve to just stop thinking and do something that makes me happy anything that will distract me and make me feel a teeny bit better? Well it was good while it lasted then I went home for a while and we argued and he cheated and told me he can't be with me anymore now I'm back where I was before but so much worse. This has affected me so much but I don't know why I KNEW it wasn't gonna last I knew he wasn't right but I didnt care I didnt think about it I just wanted to make myself feel better sometimes but now I feel sooo down I know I can't have anything to do with him ever again and I know I will get over it but it's not the same as everyone else they can get through a break up because that's the only bad thing at the time but I just can;t deal with this it's too much!!!

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Sometimes we think with our heart instead of our head and it can lead us into trouble...we have to involve our inner tuition...that is that voice we hear inside of us that picks up all kinds of information at a subconscious level and tries to tell us what we need to hear. When we squelch that voice we often pay for it on down the road. I bought Christian Carter's "Dating and Relationship" tapes where he interviews experts in the field, they had a lot of good things to say, some which resonated with me, some which did not. One of the things I remember them saying is, the mature person looks with an observing eye...in other words, they step outside of themselves and looks in at the situation and observes...and bases their actions accordingly. I have learned so much the hard way in my life, I wish I could have learned these things when I was younger...when I was your age, I would have spared myself much heartache. I think you knew, deep inside, that your BF was not what you needed him to be to you, yet because you had deep feelings for him and WANTED it to work, you tried again...and got hurt again. Okay, nothing wrong with that...now you can walk away knowing you gave him every chance, and he failed you. Use this information to make a better choice next time...what are the things you need to look out for, those red flags? Write them down right now while they are fresh in your mind. What are the qualities you want in someone? Write those down right now while it is fresh. Now stack up exBF against your list and see how he fares...that only solidifies he is not what you need...not as he is. People can change but only if they want to and take steps to change. There is a saying I heard on www.marriagebuilders.com that is: "If nothing changes, nothing changes." In other words, if you don't make radical changes in a relationship to improve it, you can be guaranteed the same results. Something has to give. You can't fix this...it was up to HIM to make those changes. HE needed to be there for you. HE needed to be true to you. HE needed to love you. You alone cannot make a relationship work. Trust me, I've tried. I've been the best...several times...and been hurt over and over again. I am stepping back from relationships, dating, guys, and just living with ME...if I can't do better than I've done, I'll wing it alone. Alone isn't so bad. You are young, you will meet others, and eventually you will meet someone more deserving of you...it's important that you sort this out now so that you can recognize him when he comes along. Be excited about it, you have a much brighter and better future ahead of you than the past you are leaving behind! You deserve it!

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