It's Been 11 Months.

[Suzanne R.]

Well, It's been 11 months and I'm still reading posts, reply once in a while and still cry at the smallest or biggest things since the loss of my husband. You have all been very supportive and attentive in your advice and replies and words of comfort to my rants. I'm not going anywhere but in some ways I feel I am still the same, with the same thoughts and feelings and emotions. In other ways I think I have accepted everything, but I still don't want to. It's like an adult having a temper tantrum. In a way, part of me still feels in shock and numb with denial and the ongoing emotional roller coaster hasn't stopped. With every single time I am folding towels and socks to put them in place, like today, I burst into tears because he used to come in to the room where I dumped all the clothes on the bed to sort out and sometimes I lay on the clothes and he'd say, "I caught ya, sleeping on the job." LoL I also unexpectedly burst into tears last week when I thought what was an unusal package from the funeral home that came in the mail was a Christmas ornament that said, "Don't worry about me, I'm spending Christmas with Jesus this year" because it seemed to be him, talking to me personally even though every one who had someone pass from that funeral home received one. I, like I think all of you am feeling really down, I think I don't want to ever feel good again. That's just me. Everyone is different. I just thought I'd check in to let you know I am keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers every day. If it wasn't Christmas, it would be another day, or another reason, or another thought about Danny that brings me down. I just can't seem to believe I can change my thoughts that I don't want to die but I don't want to live without him either. I'll be with family for sometime during the Christmas season, and I hope and pray each and every one of you have someone to be with every day for the rest of our lives.

God bless,

Suzanne

[sunstreet]

Suzanne,

I am sorry for your pain. It is ok that you are still reading posts and replying and posting once and awhile for as long as you need. There is no set rule when this journey ends. Personally, I don't think it ever does, our pain just gets transformed into something different, it still hurts, but with time and the neccesary grief work we want to live life again, and our pain does not render us on the roller coaster anymore. At least that is how it has been for me, and it has taken me nearly 7 years. It is OK to take as much time as you need Suzanne. I use to sobb everytime I heard "our song", or the wiff of the perfume Melissa always wore, and on and on, now though those things bring warmth and comfort to my heart. But I was once where you are right now in your journey.

I am so happy for you that you have family to be with over Christmas. I wish I had that. This time of year is really hard for me actually. So much focus on the "family" which is a good thing really, but for those of us who do not have one, it is a reminder, and it is hard, there is no doubt.

I know how hard it is to believe that your thoughts will change. Your pain is just blocking your view of hope right now. Hope is still there and it will once again find it's way to you.

Know that I hold you in thought and prayer as you weather this journey. Think of your pain as waves, like waves on the ocean, they are continuous, and sometimes they are huge, sometimes not, but always they reach shore and dissipate. The best way I can think of giving you an image of where I am in the my journey is I have learned how to surf the waves. I feel the pain, but it does not consume me any longer. I pray this for you too.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[kayc]

What a caring and thoughtful funeral home! I never heard from mine after I picked up George's ashes. It seems like a wonderful message to receive.

[lonemare]

I dont know what to do, or how to think, I feel so lost. 11 months for you, im so sorry. My future husband died yesterday, and im just so torn I can hardly manage anything. Tomorrow is the graveside service, then what? I dont know what im going to do without him. There is no Christmas. Tell me, what has helped you the most to cope with all the heartache, im beyond grief.

[Guest NancyL]

Hi lonemare. This site has helped me to talk through my grief with others. And my acceptance that there is nothing I can do to change my Don's death, no matter how hard I wish. Also, I pour myself into doing things, meaningless sometimes, putting together puzzles, picking out one thing to concentrate on (like shopping, stores & online for a certain blouse or jeans), work. When I'm concentrating on something else, I don't think constantly of death, dying, alone, all the things that go through our minds. I give myself pep talks a lot, tell myself I can make it through today. I lost my beloved husband of almost 41 years on September 28th, 2010. I am coping, am getting better, am begining to laugh and to breath without pain again. My belief that Don is in a beautiful place with no sorrow, only joy. All these things have helped me. I'm sorry you're so new into this painful process, and I wish you get through the next few difficult days with courage. Nancy

[lonemare]

Thank you Nancy....

Right now its almost midnight,and Ive been just trying to sleep, but cant.. its so lonely without him here. I wrap up in in his favorite blanket, and breathe in his smell. I play with his <our> cats and go over his pictures, just trying to grasp something solid thats him, you know?

I will probaly be on this board awhile. There are words of comfort here, and understanding. I appreciate your answering me, thank you so much, and again, im so sorry for your loss.

[sunstreet]

Hi lonemare,

I am so so sorry for your loss. Know that I will hold you in thought and prayer. Things I have found helpful are to come here and talk with others here. You will find a very wonderful group of people here who sadly understand your pain. My writing, journaling, and my painting have helped me tremdously. My acceptance that I can not bring Melissa back, she has died. Crossword and word search puzzzles, reading, playing Mah Jong and Shanghai on my computer. Playing with my cat. Focusing on the basics, self-care, food, laundry, housecleaning. I am much further along now in my journey and I am now able to find joy in my days. You will find your own way of moving through this journey.

For sure I understand wanting something solid that is him. I welcome you here, it is safe here. Again, I am just so sorry for your loss. One moment at a time.

Blesssings and Courage, Carol Ann

[marsha]

Well, It's been 11 months and I'm still reading posts, reply once in a while and still cry at the smallest or biggest things since the loss of my husband. You have all been very supportive and attentive in your advice and replies and words of comfort to my rants. I'm not going anywhere but in some ways I feel I am still the same, with the same thoughts and feelings and emotions. In other ways I think I have accepted everything, but I still don't want to. It's like an adult having a temper tantrum. In a way, part of me still feels in shock and numb with denial and the ongoing emotional roller coaster hasn't stopped. With every single time I am folding towels and socks to put them in place, like today, I burst into tears because he used to come in to the room where I dumped all the clothes on the bed to sort out and sometimes I lay on the clothes and he'd say, "I caught ya, sleeping on the job." LoL I also unexpectedly burst into tears last week when I thought what was an unusal package from the funeral home that came in the mail was a Christmas ornament that said, "Don't worry about me, I'm spending Christmas with Jesus this year" because it seemed to be him, talking to me personally even though every one who had someone pass from that funeral home received one. I, like I think all of you am feeling really down, I think I don't want to ever feel good again. That's just me. Everyone is different. I just thought I'd check in to let you know I am keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers every day. If it wasn't Christmas, it would be another day, or another reason, or another thought about Danny that brings me down. I just can't seem to believe I can change my thoughts that I don't want to die but I don't want to live without him either. I'll be with family for sometime during the Christmas season, and I hope and pray each and every one of you have someone to be with every day for the rest of our lives.

God bless,

Suzanne

Suzanne - I'm not sure, but are you thinking of the time thing? As in, it's 11 months, I should be....somewhere different. I remember, and I get it. Hell, I'm still going through it, in one way or another. I'm thinking the deal is to be a marathon runner, rather than a sprinter. To know that this awful journay take SO much time - and it does. And that I'm not going to get over Joe's death, simply try to come to grips with it. Time, time, and more freaking time. Hugs, Marsha

[Suzanne R.]

I dont know what to do, or how to think, I feel so lost. 11 months for you, im so sorry. My future husband died yesterday, and im just so torn I can hardly manage anything. Tomorrow is the graveside service, then what? I dont know what im going to do without him. There is no Christmas. Tell me, what has helped you the most to cope with all the heartache, im beyond grief.

Hi Lonemare, It's kind of strange that when we each go through our grief, some things are the same with everyone, but everyone has their own perspective as well. When I took one step forward I started preaching to anyone who would listen, just like I was talking about my husband about my feelings to anyone who would listen. I don't have all the answers, so I wish there was something I could tell you, but everyone is different. I don't believe I did anything myself to cope, but I do remember giving everything over to God, because I know I can't cope, I can't handle the pressure, the depression, the lonliness, the emptiness. When anything sets me off, when I am mad as hell, when I feel bitter, and when I feel guilt, or sadness, I have nothing left and feel like He has stripped me of everything I loved in this world. I keep forgetting about this, and I guess that is how I coped by relying on my faith and remembering by happenstance that we are all headed in the same direction, and I am only one among millions feeling this pain. So, you have helped me by my trying to answer your question tonight. I have been crying gut-wrenching tears on Christmas Eve and during Christmas day and the tears flow every now and then, less than they used to, so my grief still continues and I know there is a reason for everything, and a reason for me being here but we all just have to post whenever we have the need, or talk to others, or be distracted by life going on even if we don't feel like going on ourselves. I am so sorry for your loss and hope you have peace somehow. I truly know how you feel because I feel it too. We all do. Intellectually I know I am not alone, but I feel all alone. So, it is good that we are all here to help one another. Take care.

God bless,

Suzanne