Intellectual Bereavement

[Dimcl]

Aside from my physical "aloneness" these past two months, I've begun to feel an intellectual loneliness, as well, and it's really starting to get to me.

Glenn and I were always curious about the world. We'd watch all those shows on The Discovery Channel and we'd do research online and we'd talk Canadian and world politics and we were both very interested in all manner of things.

Yesterday, I received our monthly National Geographic and found an article on the world's present and future population to be of interest. Glenn would have, too, and we would have discussed that article at length.

When we'd meet friends at our local pub on a Friday night, they'd come in and the first thing they'd say would be "So, what are you two arguing about tonight?" We would be "passionately" arguing the pros and cons of some subject and people just knew that's what we did. And, much as we loved our family and friends, none of them were the least interested in that kind of thing.

Now, when I read an interesting article or watch a documentary on the tube, I so desperately want to talk about it with someone and there's absolutely no one I can do that with. If I asked my family or friends what they think of the situation in sub-Saharan Africa or the state of the Russian Mafia, or the latest in stem-cell research, they'd look at me like I had three heads.

My lonliness is not just physical - I'm afraid that I'll start losing interest in things outside of myself, because I've lost my intellectual partner.

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear - C.S. Lewis

[grace10]

Dimci,

I am sorry you feel such a loss. Maybe you could join a book club, and/or some other kind of special interest group, go to lectures, or take a class at an adult ed center, etc. Would not be the same as with Glenn, but at least you would have some intellectual stimulation and might meet some other folks with similar interests. Here in the US we have all kinds of meetup groups for all kinds of special interests at www.meetup.com . For the 55 and over group, we have the Osher Centers at many universities and other place that provide interesting classes for older adults. Maybe there is something similar in Canada. I am in my late 50's and just completed another bachelor's degree at a top notch university. I really like being intellectually stimulated, although I do not have anyone to consistently share this with. Different people for different topics with me. Take care.

[mfh]

I really understand the various ways you miss your spouse. Bill was here for me in so many ways and I am learning that no matter how I try to find most of those they are no more. I do think we can do things to fill some of the void...like join book clubs etc. I took painting classes...but of course, the drive home from those events and places is oh so lonely. Let's face it...no one can take the place of that one special person. I am so sorry for your pain. I understand it, believe me. mfh

[melina]

My lonliness is not just physical - I'm afraid that I'll start losing interest in things outside of myself, because I've lost my intellectual partner.

Dimcl,

Exactly how I feel. The aloneness is one thing - but I also miss the intellectual companionship. I have my sons who are every bit their father on that point. Our youngest is constantly challenging me with ideas. But I miss the day to day talks with my husband while browsing through the newspaper or on the internet. I miss discussing political issues and new breakthroughs in science. Now when I read about new cancer breakthroughs I think - why couldn't that have happened before he got the disease.

I have my work, which does help, but even my colleagues at work are not as intellectually challenging - and enjoyable - as my husband was. He taught me so much too. There is so much emptiness. I try to fill some of that with my own projects. As I said, I have work and I like to write. I also try to keep up with what's going on in the world. That interest disappeared for a while, but has begun to return.

Do you have friends you can discuss things with - or maybe forums on the internet? I know it won't be the same, but what can we do?

Melina

[kayc]

It sounds like that is a void you're going to have to try to fill through someone else. Since your family and friends aren't intellectual, perhaps you could branch out and try to make a new friend somewhere? Have you thought of joining Mensa or some other organization that could provide you peers of your intellect? You might do some browsing on the internet for different kinds of clubs in your area that would provide that missing stimuli.

Yes, we all miss from our past relationships, the unique things about them that they left a void in. I am finding just how much I miss Jim's companionship...even though we were only together on weekends. He was intelligent and he opened up a different world to me...he studied the arts on his own: plays, music, choreography, costume, he didn't miss a single detail and he would point things out to me that I never noticed before...and now I miss that. He was so intelligent about computers, etc. and I miss having him to ask questions of or fix things that I don't understand or know about. Plus I just miss having someone to snuggle up with and enjoy sharing in life with. BUT I don't miss any of it enough to get involved with anyone again, because I'm flat out sick of getting hurt.

And there will never be anyone that fit with me so well as George. We were a true hand and glove fit. I will always miss him, esp. his love and supportiveness, his communication, being able to relate to each other, having like desires and tastes.