Susie Q Posted January 10, 2011 Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 I realised today, with a shock, that since my husband died 16 months ago, I don't laugh anymore. Even when I feel OK and am enjoying a rare moment of peace or when something amuses or pleases me, I seem to have developed this closed mouth smile. But today a close friend and I shared a really hilarious experience that had us both in tears with laughter. Suddenly, I noticed how very good it felt and how long it had been since I had an ordinary happy moment like that. At that exact point in time she said "You know, he loved the way your eyes sparkled when you laughed". Of course I burst into tears and she looked miserable and apologised profusely. I tried to explain that what she had said was beautiful and that she hadn't upset me - that she had just told me something wonderful. But the sense of enjoyment was well and truly gone and the grief monster was in charge again. I was also known for my big smile and as a friendly, warm and welcoming person. People used to say that they could see our happiness and the love we felt for each other on our faces even after 32 years together. Wherever we were we had fun and shared that with those around us. Even apart, the sense of contentment kept us happy and vibrant. I try not to look miserable all the time but I guess there's no hiding it. I know the light has gone from my eyes and my life - and tonight I'm left wondering if I'll ever get some of it back. We lose so very much of ourselves as well as the one we loved. Seems like a double blow. I don't feel guilty for wanting to just feel happy again sometimes - I am clear that it's what he would want for me beyond anything else. Just don't know how to achieve it and it feels like it's something I remember from three lifetimes ago.....Susie Q Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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