Aftershock Again

[melina]

I'm generally not doing too bad. Today, however, has unexpectedly turned out to be one of those "aftershock" days. It came out of nowhere. There are no anniversaries, firsts, nothing really. Maybe it was a song I heard, a tv show I watched (though how Star Trek can provoke grief, I'm not sure), but really, I can't pinpoint it. I've been sewing a kind of memorial quilt from African coffee bags (his favorite coffee - fair trade beans) and was embroidering his name on the back earlier today. That could be it.

Suddenly I just started remembering some of our camping trips with the kids when they were little, and I've been crying ever since. Coming up on 6 months soon, so I hope this is just a passing thing. I can't stand the thought of daily sobbing again. I just feel very very much alone.

Melina

[Chrissie]

Melina,

I know that lonely feeling all too well, but please remember that as long as you come to this site you are never alone. We are all here for you and each other. I have been reading your posts ever since you first came here, and you have made so much progress. Aftershocks are to be expected and just part of this darn grief process. Tim has been gone almost a year now and I still have those days, don't know why, just something triggers them. Thank goodness work has realized that these days happen and I just need to stay home and get through them. I hope this helps a little to realize you are not alone. I'm sending lots of hugs!!

Chris

[kayc]

Melina,

It may not be any particular reason, it just happens like that, you're going along and all of a sudden another tidal wave hits. It catches you off guard because you thought you were doing okay, as well as can be expected anyway, but this is what happens. It doesn't mean you'll be back to crying every day. It's three steps forward, two steps back, and if you look at the overall journey, you can see some marked progress, but when you're in it, it's hard to see that, you just know how lousy you're feeling this particular day.

I'm sorry! It does get better, it really does.

Kay

[melina]

Melina,

It may not be any particular reason, it just happens like that, you're going along and all of a sudden another tidal wave hits. It catches you off guard because you thought you were doing okay, as well as can be expected anyway, but this is what happens. It doesn't mean you'll be back to crying every day. It's three steps forward, two steps back, and if you look at the overall journey, you can see some marked progress, but when you're in it, it's hard to see that, you just know how lousy you're feeling this particular day.

I'm sorry! It does get better, it really does.

Kay

Chris and Kay,

Thanks - I know it will probably get better. It has been getting better all along. It's just that the last couple of days have been really hard. I wonder if I just steeled myself and plowed through Christmas and New Years. And now that they're over, it's back to harsh everyday life which unfortunately isn't any less lonely than it was before the holidays. I remember comparing grief to being dropped in the middle of a desert all on my own. Now it's as though I thought I'd finally found the way out, but realizing there is still a long stretch ahead of me.

I hope "this too shall pass".

Melina

[Cheryl]

Melina,

I can relate completely! After I started feeling better I would often have set back days. To me they were so devastating because the relief I had been feeling was over and the familiar sadness returning was a realization that death pain was not over! I can tell you that for me the set back days were often an even greater roller coaster than the endless days of pain. But now at 16 months life is Sooo much better. I have began to live again. Stay strong, it will continue to get better if you put in the work and figure out what works for you!

[mfh]

Grief is like standing on the beach with your back to the water. You know a wave will come but you don't know when or how big it will be. Will it just wash past you or knock you off your feet and carry you out to sea?

[Steven]

Melina, I think 'aftershock' is the perfect description for what we experience in grieving the loss of someone we love. Just as in a seismic occurrence, we go through those series of smaller shocks as our mind/spirit/bodies try to adjust to the initial & enormous first shock.

Time is definitely relative after death especially, and everyone deals with death in their own way. Some are able to adjust relatively quickly; some do not. It may be tough to shed the mindset that there is a specific or even never-ending period people should mourn to 'prove' their love and loyalty. And when it comes to emotions, you never know what might evoke an emotional response. Almost five years post my wife's death; I have multiple instances every day that make me think of her. The following is something important to note that came with the passage of time: I no longer feel like crying every time I experience an evocative moment. Slowly (very slowly in my case), I have begun to smile when these moments occur. As the days, weeks, months, and eventually years pass, you will be able to recall moments with happiness, but give your system time to find equilibrium--be gentle with yourself.

~ Steve

PS: If you're an acting coach, might it have been William Shatner's acting that caused your grief?

[melina]

But now at 16 months life is Sooo much better. I have began to live again. Stay strong, it will continue to get better if you put in the work and figure out what works for you!

[melina]

Thanks mfh and Steven,

I agree the tidal wave image also works. Steven - it was a widower friend who gave me the aftershock image. Like you he lost his wife five years ago, and he still thinks of her almost daily, but now it no longer causes him pain. And no, it wasn't William Shatner - that would just make me cringe with embarrassment. This was Star Trek Next Generation, also a little tacky at times. I think it was an episode about a boy whose father died in the line of duty. Only got halfway through.

Melina

[Hbgirl]

Chris and Kay,

Thanks - I know it will probably get better. It has been getting better all along. It's just that the last couple of days have been really hard. I wonder if I just steeled myself and plowed through Christmas and New Years. And now that they're over, it's back to harsh everyday life which unfortunately isn't any less lonely than it was before the holidays. I remember comparing grief to being dropped in the middle of a desert all on my own. Now it's as though I thought I'd finally found the way out, but realizing there is still a long stretch ahead of me.

I hope "this too shall pass".

Melina

Melina,

That is how I feel. I held it together very well during the Holidays but now it is hitting kinda hard. All of sudden I am alone again when I had been surrounded by people from Thanksgiving to just past New Years, then alone again. My husband died 9 months ago. My kids have decided it is time to get over it. There has been some tears but I just feel sick. I never thought I would be happy going to work.

Pat

Edited January 27, 2011 by Hbgirl

[kayc]

My kids have decided it is time to get over it.

Pat

Pat,

It's not a sickness or something that you can just "get over". I've had to keep in mind that some people just don't get it, never having been through what we are experiencing...and I'm glad for them, I really am...but someday they may have to walk this journey and when they do, I hope they encounter the understanding we have all sought and needed.