Beginning Of The End-Anniversary

[mfh]

Yesterday marked 10 months since the loss of my husband. This coming Sunday would have been his birthday. Five days after his birthday, I had to hospitalize him...a stay that was too long or totally wrong...and if I could do it over...would have lasted 1 week instead of 7 or never happened at all. I brought him home and five days later, with the help of Hospice, he died in my arms....

So Sunday, his birthday, feels like the beginning of a series of events that took him to the end of his life...like a long long anniversary...instead of a one day one-year anniversary on March 27, it feels like Sunday is day 1 of a two month package...it feels overwhelming. I know I am not being really clear here but that hospital stay was horrible...I watched him deteriorate so fast and he felt tortured and I did not know I should have gotten him out of there as the MDs kept telling me that they felt they could help. They said that until the day before one brilliant and caring fill in MD finally said to me-"Call Hospice and take him home". No one previous to this fill in MD told me. I know in hind sight I should have brought him home a week after he was there...or he should never have been there at all. I thought they could level his meds out so he could walk again.

I guess I am just rambling as I anticipate reliving all of this. I have a good friend who asked me if she could bring pizza and wine and spend this Sunday evening on his birthday looking at photos I have sorted out. That is a friend...I am lucky I have supportive folks in my life. But the next two months feel huge to me...mfh

[Dimcl]

I am so sorry for this huge burden on you. I can't imagine your regret about your husband's lengthy hospital stay and the errors and/or ignorance of the medical system. What I can understand, though, is your feeling of a protracted anniversary. My Glenn was only in hospital for a week, but the day he was admitted and had his surgery was his birthday and I could only give him a card that morning. No birthday dinner, no birthday cake, no making him feel extra-special that day. Six days later, he was dead and his birthday is utterly ruined for me forevermore. I am dreading that week in October because although it was only a week, it will be a one-week anniversary as yours is a two-month anniversary.

And, yes, you are very lucky to have that good friend. Hopefully, you can spend Sunday evening with few tears and much laughter and perhaps that will help you to get through the remaining weeks.

I am so, so, sorry that you must go through this. I will be thinking of you and your husband on Sunday. Hugs.

Di

[Lainey]

mfh, I am so very sorry that you are feeling this way, but you must not blame yourself for anything you did or didn't do.

I understand the exhaustion both physically and mentally that you talk about. I looked after Lars for almost two years. There seemed like there wasn't a day that went past without having to take him somewhere(doc, therapy, tests etc.). I didn't ever begrudge him the time, but it was tiring.

Please don't second guess yourself about what you did. None of us here knew what the right or the best thing to do was. I truly wish that we had thought more about the kidney operation he had. Lars may not have lived for nine months after, but I believe the quality of his time here would have been better. So really nobody can predict what is right or wrong(especially Doctors).

Sending you hugs,

Lainey

[kayc]

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow, and yes, that is a good friend. You will make it through this, but try not to look ahead at the next two months, remind yourself to stay in today, it's enough to handle.

[sunstreet]

Dear Mary,

Thank you for letting us know how you are feeling so we might offer some support and understanding to help you feel a little less alone with your pain. I do hope in time you can let go of the judgements about what you think you should have done/could have done. I believe each one of us does the best we can in each and every moment and that is all we can ask of our self. You are not a doctor, it is hard to go against someone who holds a higher authority or knowledge than our self. Hindsight is always 20/20 but hindsight is what follows after we know all, foresight is seeing without knowing all, so it is not fair to judge our self by only seeing in hindsight.

I relate to what you are saying about it not being just a one day, one year anniversary. I am sorry that this is your experience as well. Mine starts every year on the anniversary that my three Uncles sexually assaulted my Melissa to make a statement against the fact I am gay and a disgusting piece of trash, there words not mine, and continues through to the anniversary of Melissa's choice to suicide. I would like to offer you some hope that for myself this last anniverary period was one filled with the joy of remembering of what I had versus what I lost. It was the 7th anniversary period for me. So where I am in my journey now, anniversaries bring a feeling of warmth and joy rather than pain and saddness.

I found your words to be very clear to us. I also encourage you to ramble as much and as often as you need. I will be holding you in gentle thought and prayer.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[mfh]

Thanks to all of you for your support. I have made plans for tomorrow and find myself more weepy today than usual. Friends are so helpful. I am attempting to let go of the guilt...I do pretty well with it and then it comes up again as i am sure many of you understand. Thanks again for being out there. Still seems weird sometimes to communicate with people I will never see. But glad for it as we all get it. mfh