Lost My Mom Suddenly

[Anne3]

Hello Everyone,

I really can't believe that I am writing this. In my mind I thought I would have my mom for another 20 years or at least I hoped. My mother died January 22 in her sleep and I woke up that morning to my father telling me that mom was gone. I think I was in shock the whole week. I felt like I was in a bad nightmare and no one was waking me up. I vaguely remember who I seen and what was said. I still find times where I think, did this just happen? She must be just gone away for a bit, then she'll be home.

I am 39 years old and a mother of three. I think I should be doing so much better than I am at my age. My mother was the best grandma who loved spending time with my kids. They had many adventures and I am so devastated that they have lost such an important person in their lives. She had chronic pain for a long time due to her RA but it was nothing that I thought would take her away. I have a very supportive family of aunts that loved her dearly but while i love them, they are not my mom, and I so long for my mom to hug me and tell me everything will be alright. Sorry I think I have lost my mind somewhere. I returned to work a week later and am functioning somewhat but feel so very much alone. While I am lucky to still have my father, he is not my mom. The one who I could tell everything to, whether we agreed or not. I still feel numb and somewhat in denial.

Thanks for letting me share that with you.

[Guest Nicholas]

Dear Anne,

There are many others on here far better qualified than me to offer sound advice and assistance, all I can say is that I know exactly how you are feeling. Seek solace in your family, friends, physician (if necessary) and your memories. There are also any number of helpful books plus online articles to help you cope.

metta

Nicholas

[niamh]

hi Anne,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear Mom. I lost my Dad suddenly just over 1 year ago, to say it's a shock is such an understatement. There are no words to describe it in reality.

I do still find at times I have to tell myself that this really happened, that I am not going to wake from this nightmare, that it's real. It's a scary feeling. I try not to think ahead, I can't imagine another lifetime without my Dad, not sure how I am supposed to live years without him. I'm 35 by the way.

There is absolutely no right or wrong way to grieve for the loss of your Mom, there is no set time when you should feel a certain way. This is your loss, your grief and nobody can tell you what or when you should feel a certain way. I sometimes compare this to memories, nobody would dream of telling me on day "x" at time "y" you should remember this particular thing about your Dad, of course that's madness, nobody would do that so nor should people think well after "x" amount of time you should now be feeling "y".

I think society in general has it's pre-conceived ideas and only those who have lived this nightmare have any clue as to the reality of this. Whatever way you think or feel anytime is perfectly ok, perfectly normal, nobody else knows truly what is was like between you are your Mom ......you are the only 2 people who fully 100% know exactly what that was like.

I too have supportive family and I still have my Mom but none of that is enough, my Dad is all I want, he's the only one who can tell me it will be ok, he's the only one I want. That means no disrespect to any of my family and friends but thats exactly the problem with "death" ........the one person we want and need is not hear so it does not matter who else you have in this world, the problem is you want your Mom and there is nothing at all wrong with that.

I don't have any real words of comfort, I don't think they exist. All I can do is share my experience with you and at least hope that you know everything you feel and think is normal, there is no wrong way to deal with this. I hope maybe you will find some tiny bit of comfort coming here knowing that sometimes others can relate, we can't know exactly what you feel, each of our grief is unique just like our relationship with whoever we lost, but sometimes we can nod and agree and think "hey, yeah I've felt that too". Maybe you might know that you are not as alone as you might feel right now.

keep sharing here whenever you want, vent away, ask away. There are so many special people here, nobody has any expectations or judges anyone else so it's so safe here, it's been and continues to be my lifeline during this nightmare.

sending much love and a big hug your way

Niamh

[sweetpea]

Hi Anne: I am sorry for the loss of your mother too. I lost my mother suddenly also in November 2010. I am still feeling what you are feeling. No time is a good time to lose any mother. I thought my mom would be around for a bit longer also. My whole family is a mess after her loss. I wished she was still here with us but, somehow God needed her more. Miss her dearly.

[dimason1987]

Anne,

I found this website last night and here I am too ... I wrote to "trying2cope" as she lost her father on Jan 21. And I saw your post about your mom. My father, who was a healthy 66 yr old man, complained of heartburn and took some tums before he went to bed. Died in his sleep too. I've seen my mom failing due to various hip replacements, back surgery, COPD, hypertention... you name it - but my dad? Really? I thought he would live for another 20 yrs!

As I mentioned to "trying2cope" - I am a 41 yr old mother of 4 (kids are 19/7/5/1) yes they keep me young and on my toes. My father and I had a falling out on May 1st, 2010 over my 19 yr old son and tough love that I was attempting. My father intervened after many pleas to let me handle things - he refused and the rest I guess is history. I refused to speak w/him the past 8 months. He asked many times via email and thru relatives. I simply wasnt ready. I was seeing a Dr and found myself returning to church in hopes of finding a way to forgive him. But another plan was in store for me and my dad. I did not make amends, as I hoped to one day and he died not knowing how much I truly did love him.

I am so numb. I feel like I am in a haze. Like a lala land. Kids definitely distract me but I feel like mommy needs to cry. It hits me in the car when a sad song comes on. Or when I see a picture of him. It breaks my heart! And even more that my 3 littles will probably not remember him! Especially my little boy who is 14 months - he was five months when my dad saw him last. Every time I look into my little boys eyes it breaks my heart that I kept my dad from knowing him.

I hope that we can keep in touch ...

[Anne3]

Thank you to all. It really helps when others know how I feel. I have waves of sadness all day long. Today I had some parts that were ok then it would hit me all over again. I think my world turned gray and I am just going through the motions right now. I am trying my best with the kids but it is so very hard to look at them and think your precious grandma who loved you so much will not be there to tell her about your exciting moments at school or some cute thing that they will do. The first thing I always did was "I have to tell grandma". I feel so hollow. I know she would want me to get on with being a mother and I am somewhat but it is so hard. I hope they don't forget my mom. I know my older two won't but i worry for my youngest who just turned six. They were always together doing their special things just grandma and her. Thank you

[2sweetgirls]

Anne3,

I am so sorry for the loss of you dear mom. It has been 14 months since mom died and I STILL feel like I can't believe I'm writing it AND living it. On top of it dad died 4 months ago. It's all totally unbelievable. The first 3 or 4 months after mom passed are completely a blur and I don't remember much of it - still.

I have to tell you that you have not lost your mind. What you are feeling is all normal. As abnormal as you feel, it's all normal. I can also relate to the feeling of feeling lucky to have your dad, but he is not your mom. I had dad for 10 months after mom died and we were happy for that. Now they are both at peace together in paradise while the people who loved them most are in excrusiating pain. I wish I can stop the pain for all of us but, as mom always said "that's life". I am 40 years old and have had many "ah ha" moments being mother of 2, married, and now an adult orphan. I hope I can prepare my kids for when it is their time to go through this. That really worries me.....

Anyway, I am so sorry again. All I can say is keep coming here and writing, reading, venting, sharing, because it really does help.

Take care and sending you hugs.

2sweetgirls

[Anne3]

Thank you 2sweetgirls. I am having such despair tonight. I feel the need for a hug from my mom. Feels like I am five but thats how I feel. Just try to get through tonight.