Fear That You'll Be Left Behind In Grief?

[emptyinside]

Sometimes I get scared that everyone will be healed from grief, and I'll be the only one still grieving with no one to relate to my feelings. True, I don't cry as much as I used to, and 99.9% of the time I look normal on the outside, and I can laugh and do normal fun things. But I still have this hollowed out feeling inside, and I'm scared that I'm one of those...a stuck-in-grief person still sad inside, still missing my loved one, while everyone else is progressing fabulously and able to "move on" like nothing happened. I know this is kind of illogical, but I do tend to judge my own grief relative to others, scared I'm not progressing enough (like a child not being able to walk by X months). What if I'm still grieving 2,3,4 years from now?

[Guest Nicholas]

Don't you believe it; my GP said that despite outward appearances, so many people are grieving in private. He also told me that I am at the start of a very long journey, one I wished I didn't have to take, but one I must.

Be strong

Nicholas

[Chai]

You are not alone in your fear. I think all of us secretly fear that we will be left behind in grief.

I wish I had some comforting words to say...but, is grief a journey that ever really ends? We don't "get over it", so how can it end? Thus I can't say there is an end, and without an end, how can we know when we are "done"? I don't know...

I haven't posted here a lot lately, but I have dreams of my father and miss him very much. I feel totally confused and lost in life, I am supposed to be moving out and getting a job, doing all that young post-college stuff, but without my dad to encourage me...it feels so empty and useless...it's not exciting at all.

If you are grieving years from now, that is okay. Grief takes a long time. We are all at various points in our grief, but there are people on here who've been here a long while and still have things to say on the matter. And I don't think this is something we ever stop *feeling* about...

(((((Hugs))))),

take care

Chai

[emptyinside]

Thanks, Chai. That's very reassuring. I'm so glad you're on this board. I often find myself nodding at all of your posts.

I'm so confused with ya. I'm supposed to be doing things at this point in my life, and it's supposed to be exciting, a time of learning and exploring, but it's not like that at all for me. I feel like this enormous rock has been placed in front of me, and I'm supposed to push it up a mountain. I'm currently trying to get excited about little things. Baby steps, you know. Not sure if it's working.

Em

[Chai]

Dear em,

Please if you find any way to get excited about life...share it with me. I just sent you a reply t oyour message, which I feel is related to this, but...it's tough. I don't feel I have any concrete answers. Everything used to be so hopeful and bright, and now? Now it's just...so confusing...everyone either tells me what I should do, or doesn't know, whereas my father would've had a different method. He would've said something about following my heart or something...but...I don't know! I don't know if I know my heart and myself, without him. He was so much a part of it. ...I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't like myself much lately, and it bugs me. And my father, in his magical way, could fix this. But he's not here.

No one else has that magic! Now I have to have it for myself...but at least I have all of you. =)

(((hugs))),

take care,

Chai

[niamh]

I am so with you both, it's like I don't understand excitement or happiness anymore and if you don't understand something how can you want it or hope for it.

So spot on that only our Dads have the magic touch of fixing things. I would give anything for just even a simple message from him........I like that analogy to the rock and mountain Em......I think if I could have 1 minute with my Dad, it would be like cutting off some of that rock, making it easier to climb the mountain, if only we could get something, it's hard going from having someone 24 x7 to never at all, there should be an in between :-)

I so get not knowing who you are Chai, I definitely feel in recent months that I am seeing more of this new person I am and seeing parts I don't like and just craving the old me, craving being able to do something the way I would have before but in many cases it simply isn't possible, I have to find new ways to deal with things and of course that then brings doubt, not fully trusting my own judgement, sometimes wondering if the way I look at a situation is still off, still skewed. I try to share this with close friends just to get an outside "opinion", someone who is not in my mushy head who can see a little more clearly.

I so agree aswell that nope there is no end to it, it is just a case of living with it.

I felt some comfort recently reading about Gwyneth Paltrow saying that she still mourns her Dad today, 10 years after losing him. She said "It was devastating beyond belief and I am still very traumatised at the memory. I still feel it in my nervous system. I wish he was still alive and it's a real weight that I carry, like a black hole".

Makes sense to me, it always seemed to me she had that close Daddy/Daughter bond we know so well so why wouldn't you still feel it 10 years later. For me it's reality to know that I just have to live with this, it's not going to disappear so I'm not waiting and wondering when it will all go away.

I think it's like what you often say Em, things can be a distraction, life itself is a distraction but at the end of the day the pain is there, the sadness is there and always will be.

(((HUGS))) and lots of comfort to my 2 dear friends

Ni

xox

[hello123]

Niamh, I didn't know about Gywneth Paltrow and just read that article and what she says is EXACTLY how I feel:

"It was devastating beyond belief and I am still very traumatised at the memory. I still feel it in my nervous system. I wish he was still alive and it's a real weight that I carry, like a black hole. My friends say, 'He's always with you,' and I say, 'Oh rubbish. No, he's not, he's dead.'

"I am interested in Jewish and Christian mysticism and Sufism. I'm also interested in cause and effect and karma and God. I don't feel my father around or anything. I don't know if I will see him again. He never got to see his grandchildren. That really sucks because he would have been the best grandfather."

I'm so glad im not the only one! So thanks for sharing that!

[mfh]

I can guarantee you that I will be grieving in 2, 3, 4 and 10 years. It is now 1 year. I can look normal and inside...well, that hollowed out feeling is a good way to say the emptiness I feel also. I ran into a woman who lost her husband 5 weeks ago and then said she also lost 2 children three months apart just 3 years ago. If i had just looked at her and we had not spoken, I would never have known she is grieving...big time. Our culture does not easily allow grief to be visible. I go through times when I judge the fact that I am "still" grieving. Most of the time I can't imagine NOT grieving this horrible loss...

YOU are not alone. We are all with you and we understand what you are saying and you will not be left behind alone. I will be standing next to you.

mfh

[emptyinside]

You're right. Our culture doesn't really allow for grief to be out in the open. It's something we should get over as quickly as possible . But we know it's a different story. I feel like grief is now this parasite. I can't imagine not grieving now. It's almost a piece of me. I hate that!

Thank you, mfh, for the kind words. You've made me feel less alone!

[emptyinside]

hello123,

Whoa, what she said is dead on! When people say, "He's always with you," I roll my eyes. I don't want him with me in that sense. I want to be able to see and talk to him.

Gwyneth said in another interview that sometimes when she's cooking she feels her father behind her, instructing her, telling her to be careful with the knife, etc. I wonder if that's a recent thing because she said before she couldn't feel him?

[hello123]

After speaking to someone I guess they are two different things, I think she means she can't 'feel him around' in a spiritual sense but can imagine what he would say in certain situations and thinks about that. That's just a guess because when I once spoke to someone who had lost his father he said I just imagine what he would say if I was doing this or if I told him that. Rather than a spiritual sense or ghostly sense which maybe she means because when people sometimes say "he is with you" its followed by "in spirit" so I dunno that would just be my guess...