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Just Lost My Grandmother

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I just lost a grandmother, she just turned 93. I'm 40 and have been very close to her all my life, she was more like a mother than a grandmother to me. She died just a week ago of malnutrition, dehydration and complications due to a massive stroke, and not taking her medication. (she quit eating and drinking, etc.). July 2nd I was having an early birthday celebration with her and taking her to the grocery store and to lunch and she was laughing and talking and walking, and doing great. Then suddenly on the 4th she told some friends of hers she wasn't feeling well and she went into the hospital. For the next month 1/2 I saw her go from a healthy-looking lady who looked far younger than her years, to a shriveled up, mumbling, delirious little lady who looked over 100 and was almost unrecognizable. Most of her time in the hospital, and later in the nursing home, she unable to speak and understand what was said. We had to keep our visits short because she would get agitated and cry and try to remove her diapers. Our presence seemed to make things worse.

I'm glad I saw her as often as I did and told her I loved her but now all I keep thinking about is the times I didn't call when she was home and alone, or the times I wasn't happy to hear from her, or the times I felt angry with her, and it's killing me. She had a difficult personality so her relationship with everyone in the family was very back and forth. When you got too close she tended to misuse the relationship, so we all experienced our backing off from her. Mine was in the last year. Now I regret it because she's gone. I'm at the part now where relatives are going back home and I'm alone. I have a little boy who is turning 11 today and all I can think of is that his great-grandma's card to him is not in the pile. She never would have missed his birthday. I'm single and have no spouse to talk to, and I have no close friends. I'm very alone in this. I feel lost not being able to pick up the phone and call Grandma like I always used to. I was the closest to her of her 4 granddaughters, and I'm the only one without someone there to help comfort me when I wake up in the night crying. I can't help but feel angry about it. Anybody out there who understands any of this, I'd love to talk.

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My situation is a little different but I am experiencing similar feelings. My mother and I were caregivers for my grandmother for 9 years...it was a 24/7 job.

I too feel so alone...I am here for everyone else as they grieve but no one is ever here for me. I have a few people who are very close to me....but I am very private about my feelings and I have a hard time opening up. It seems as though no one I know really understands.

Being a caregiver for someone with Alzheimer's Disease is very difficult and it is impossible to be in good mood everytime you change a diaper or give a bath...I have a hard time not regretting the times when I wasn't as kind and positive as I should have been. But...I know my gradnmother felt my love and that is what I try to focus on.

Well good luck, I hope that you find what you need to help you grieve!

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