The Love Of My Lifes Mother Passed And She Left Me

[Serge039]

I'm new to this forum but I've been reading this reading this forum for a few weeks now, you see my girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years and 2 months minus 3 days. We are in a long distance relationship, she's in Venezuela and I'm in Canada. We made the relationship work like nobody can imagine. We spent every single day together on the phone or writing to eachother or seeing eachother on webcam. Our relationship was amazing and i love this woman with all my heart and she does too. We planned our whole future together, we talked about how many children we will have all the animals we will have, we talked about the house we will have. We planned our whole entire life together and we both knew that we were soulmates. We just had that feeling that we completed eachother and we told eachother that every single day. She's my dream come true.

My girlfriends mom had a big tumor in her head and she was also diabetic. On January 21 2011 my girlfriend and her mom had an argument like they normally do because she is very independant and her mom used to say stuff to bother her. We were on the phone when all that happened and i told her to not get angry,that she is her mom and whatever she says she still loves you and i was helping her relax. She did and we went to sleep. In the morning, i get a phone call of my girlfriend crying and saying my mom was making noise in the morning and she went in a diabetic coma and my dad and brother her drove her to the nearest hospital and i jumped out of bed and i did everything i could to try to comfort her. She wasnt able to go with them because there was no place in the car but i kept on telling her the whole day get dressed, take a taxi and go see your mom now and she was scared and told me i will try to find something. Then she told me she will get dressed and leave with her brother in law to go see her mom. By the time she had arrived it was too late, her mom had passed and when she came home she was crying and told me i didnt have a chance to say im sorry and i comforted her and started telling her that, whatever you told your mom that she knew deep down inside that you love her and you really didnt mean all those things that you said. and she told me she still needed to tell her and i told her pray for her and tell her all that you feel in your prayers. As the days went by, we talked like we always did but i was there for her when she needed me and also gave her the space she needed when praying for her mom or when she wanted to stay with her family.

On february 22, she went to church for the month mass memorial of her mom and when she returned home i asked her how are you feeling and she told me that she was ok. She said i will wash my face and i will call you. She did and we talked normally and said goodnight and i love you and we went to bed. The next day she writes to me " I will love you for the rest of my life, im forever yours" and i wrote her back the same " that i will never stop loving her and that she is the love of my life" later that night she calls me and we talk and then she tells me "you know that i love you but right now my family and the ones here beside me are more important to me" and i told her that i understood and thats why i was letting her stay close with her family. We talked a bit more and said i love you and went to bed. The next day she wrote to me again " i will never stop loving you" and she quoted our song by saying " dont want to close my eyes, dont want to fall asleep cause i'd miss you baby and i dont want to miss a thing" and i replied the continuation of that. When she arrived home from work she told me i will watch some tv and rest because she was feeling tired. i said ok and told her to call me before she went to sleep and she did and we said our goodnight like always. Then came february 25, everything was normal the whole day and again she wrote to me "i love you and i will always love you" and when she came home from work she didnt call but wrote to me saying i will go to my sisters and watch a movie. I said ok, enjoy the movie, write to me when it finishes. It started becoming late and she didnt write so i wrote to her saying "i miss you, i hope youre enjoying the movie" and she answered "its almost finished i will go to bed soon" and i replied "will you call me" and she said "no" and i said "why not" and she said "i dont want to". i asked her what was happening and she told me to call her house and i did and we talked and she started telling me that she can't do this anymore, while we were both in tears, and we talked and talked crying our eyes out and that was it. I lost the love of my life. I wrote to her every day trying to get her back. She didnt know that i was about to marry her the next time i was about to go see her and i told her that and asked her to marry me and she told me no, you are doing it because youre under pressure and i promised her that i wasnt. I told her why are you doing this i know you still love me and she told me "yes you are right, i love you i love you i love you but i cant" and we went in tears again.

Its been a month and 3 days today, and i havent been able to eat think or sleep during that whole time. I love this woman with all my heart and she does too. We continued writing to eachother but not as frequently as before. Once every 2 days and believe me the transition from being in contact with someone almost 24/7 to almost once every 48 hours is something that will leave you empty. I wrote to her on the march 22 after 2 months of her mom and she wrote to me thank you and that she had something to tell me that was so difficult for her to say. It was not something she wants and she still doesnt want it but she is interested in somebody else and he treats her nice and he is there when she needs him. She didnt tell me she loves him or likes him or anything. And my girlfriend chooses her words very carefully and never makes mistakes when typing. She will review it a million times before sending it. I told her friend about it and she told me that has to be bul***** because she didnt write anything about liking him because she knows her too and knows the way she writes. 2 days ago i wrote to her that i will always be here for her no matter what no matter when, that i will always love her, i will never stop. and she told me that this is very hard for her because im such an important part of her life. I tried writing to her again yesterday asking her just a simple how are you but didnt get any answer. I know she loves me and so does her friend, I just dont know what to do. She was my bestfriend and i told her everything and now that shes gone i have nobody to talk to. I read one of the posts by tin73man and that post was the exact same feelings i am going through and i read in the end that they are back together and are going to get married and that gave me so much hope. But then i think about her and i start crying and feeling so depressed. I dont know what to do, I am so lost without her. Please help me. What can i say to her, write to her to show her that im here and i still love her. I wanted to send her flowers, is that a good thing? Im dying here without her. Please help me, I know that she still has feelings for me. I love her so much and i dont want to lose her. Please help me.

[Serge039]

Also i wanted to add on facebook, she still has our status as in a relationship, she still kept our pictures of us together posted, she still kept the messages of us saying how much we love eachother. I love her so much and i pray and light candles every single day for her to come back and to rest her mothers soul. Please help me

Thank you

[Serge039]

I wanted to add that my girlfriend loves to show what shes feeling through song and she has been putting many songs on facebook talking about feeling someone is missing and how she wants to fix whats shes broken and right now she just put a song with the following lyrics:

Its a song by tool called schism

I know the pieces fit cause I watched them fall away

Mildewed and smoldering, fundamental differing,

Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion

Disintegrating as it goes testing our communication

The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so

We cannot see to reach an end crippling our communication.

I know the pieces fit cause I watched them tumble down

No fault, none to blame it doesn't mean I don't desire to

Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over

To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication

The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,

And the circling is worth it

Finding beauty in the dissonance

There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away

Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our coveting

I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing

Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication

Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion

Between supposed lovers

Between supposed lovers

And I know the pieces fit

____

What do you think? She always used to send me songs and only listened to songs depending on how she was feeling and she just put that one. The lyrics, from what i understood, are talking that she wants to put the pieces back together. Please help me

Thank you

[tin73man]

I

In regards to the songI don’t know how to express the sadness I feel for you. I know what you are going through is so difficult, and the heart break is sometimes unbearable. In terms of my relationship, yes we are together again, but it is not easy. She constently tells me she is just not happy in life. She is still just trying to make it through the week, which is better than trying to make it through the day(which she was doing for months). I have found that I have to take on a lot of her load in everyday things, plus she is short tempered. I have gotten used to the fact that she cannot meet my needs for now, while I give her my full attention. I guess I’m trying to say that you have to resign yourself to the idea of constantly giving without getting anything back. But if you love someone, sometimes you have to put them before you.

That being said, we do have plans for a future, hopefully by next year we will be married. We have set our engagement in October, and my hope is that she will be in a place that we can truly build a future on.

I want to say that your situation does sound similar, but if there is one thing I have learned in this forum is that grief is unique to everyone. All I can say is that she might seem to be acting strange or disconnected, but it may stem from the fact that she is so distraught that everything pales in comparison. In other words, everything to her seems pointless now. My gf is not the same person she was before she lost her mom. You have to remember that you have not changed, but she definetly has. The scary part for me is how much of her original self is gone in that one instant.

I don’t know what advise I can give you, but what I did was to be able to give her space, but after a few weeks try to reach out again. I suggest excerise during this phase because it allows you to channel your hurt physically. It really works, plus I used that time to pray. I’m not sure if you are religious, but I found praying really worked. It brought me hope in a time of despair and peace when I felt like my chest was going to explode.

Being long distance may not be a huge problem because it allows for that distance she may need. But when you speak to her, try to not allow for your feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, confusion to come out. Instead try to be a listener, and to constantly let her know you are there for her and you are going to patiently wait. Basically your relationship has taken a huge leap backwards.

The questions you have to ask yourself are, can you live the foreseeable future living with that hurt feeling, because she will pull away constantly? She may break up with you again simply because she had a bad day. Are you strong enough to swallow your pain without verbalizing it? No matter how good and supportive you are to her, she will treat you badly because she can’t see past her loss. Can you live with a relationship that is going to be completely one sided? You are going to have to bend over backwards for her, only to be taken for granted. Are you willing to give her everything, and know that on any given day, it may be the last time you see her because she will break it off? Can you live everyday feeling your on pins and needles, and that as she is sad, you will be also? I ask these things because if you hesitate on any of these questions, then it may be too hard for you. If you think she is going to get over this, and return back to who she was…and you guys live this happy life together, it doesn’t work that way.

Have I scared you off yet? I hope not. It’s not my intention, but that is what you are going to face.

If you love her completely, you have to let go of what you thought you had with her and start over. You will never understand what she is going through, so what I do is imagine she is like an alien, and that all my preconceived notions of how she is supposed to act goes out the door. Pray for patience and selflessness. Most of all pray that God’s will be done, whatever that is. I probably didn’t give you comfort, but I wanted to give you a pinhole into what you will face in these upcoming months.

Right now, everything in her life is being reexamined, and everything seems wrong. That is including you guys. She is probably feeling 100% that you guys are not meant to be, but try to bring up some good times you guys had in the past to hopefully help her to see some light because her thinking and feelings are masked by grief.

I know that fear and anxiety you are facing is hard, but I guess you have to decide to either move on or stick with it.

Sorry for the long post.

[Serge039]

Thank you so much for taking some time to answer me. Dont worry you havent scared me off at all. The whole time i was reading the questions you were asking i was answering yes without a moment of hesitation. I love this woman from the bottom of my heart, and I would give my all for her. She knows the way i feel for her and the things I would do for her. Shes the love of my life. I know she won't be the same but I pray that she will. I am a religious person and so is she. I prayed the rosary every single day with her during the first month her mother died. And even after she left me i still pray till this day for her mom. It just kills me that i can't help or be there for her when she needs me most. When my grandfather passed away 2 years ago, we were still in the begining of our relationship and she was the one that helped me get through those hard times. Im not saying that losing my grandfather is the same as losing a mother because i know its completly different. But im saying that she was the one helping me get through it. We used to talk and i cried because i missed him so and she used to talk to me and comfort me and make me feel better until I finally accepted that my grandfather had passed but he will always be in my heart. I want to be able to do the same to her. Even if it means the i have to carry extra weight on my shoulders I wont mind one bit because i would do anything for her. I try talking to her and reminding her of the great times we had together i even put songs that we used to sing to eachother and always said that this song is talking about us. I was thinking of sending her flowers at her work and just say hope you have a great day or thinking of you or something i dont know what. I want to help so much but i just dont know what to do. Thats why i turned to this forum and especially to you because youve been through this because when i lost her i also lost my bestfriend, the one that i told everything to. Theres nobody that can understand me better than someone who has been through it. I pray from the bottom of my heart that she comes back so we can fix everything. I miss her so much and i feel so lost and empty without her. Thank you for answering me. About the song i didnt get what you wrote. I wish you all the best with your girlfriend and pray that everything will get better.

[Serge039]

Well it breaks my heart to say this but i found out last night that she likes the other guy, but her friend assures me that she still loves me because she still thinks about me and she is sad that i am hurting. The thing that i dont understand is that the guy she likes has everything that shes always hated in a guy. He smokes, drinks, is not good looking ( im not saying this from an emotional point of view but objective), Doesnt want to think of the future and children, he's a skater, and the list goes on and on. I dont know what is happening but i dont trust that guy, something tells me that he is no good and im afraid that he will hurt her. Why would she leave me, the one she said that was everything shes always wanted in a guy,the one she told me that she will never stop loving until the end of time, the one she told that she was forever mine:(, and go to somebody that has everything she hates. I wasnt able to sleep more than 2 hours last night I dont know what to do. Im so lost.

[tin73man]

I'm sorry to hear that. I can't answer why your gf is doing that. Perhaps she does not know either. Perhaps the person she is now right now is looking for something completely different than what she wanted before her mother passing. Maybe she is trying to self-sabotage herself unconsciously, I don't know. All I know is when my gf broke up with me; she went out clubbing and actually started meeting guys. When I asked her about that later on, she said that we were through in her mind and that she wanted to move on. But as she spoke, she would mention that other guys were not as interested in her life as I was…I guess what I am trying to say is that she compared other guys to me. My hopes are that your gf will get to a point soon where she can think clearer. She may walk, talk, interact with others and she will seem normal and clear headed, but I don't think she really is right now.

I don't want to give advice, but sending flowers to her work right may make her feel smothered. It may be better to take a break for yourself and her, and hold off from contacting her for a short time. How long? I don't know, but enough to let her breathe. What I did (which I got advice from this forum from great people) was to wait a bit before contacting her…then I emailed her. I truly believe it was God, but she later told me that when she received my email, it came at the exact right time when she needed to feel like someone was there for her. She was in a period where she did not feel safe, and I'm not exactly clear what she meant by that, but she said the letter gave her comfort. As far as this other guy. It might be hard, but you cannot control her. You may have to let that run its course, and hopefully she will get some sense back before it is too late. Remember the questions I asked you? Well this is a perfect situation where if you answered yes, then you have to take the hurt and swallow it. The possibility she may take time to come back or not at all is real. But if you have faith that God is in control, then you have to let go and let God do what he thinks is best. Try not to control the situation and her, just be a support…that might mean putting your love aside and just being a friend. I know it hurts, but this is where your true character will come out and also your character will be developed.

[Serge039]

Thank you so much. You have no idea how much i needed to hear what you just told me. Im sure you know how hard it was to hold off from contacting the love of your life. I have to confess that i wrote to her a few hours ago asking her why she did what she did. And now I regret it after reading your message. I will take your advice and put all of my faith in Gods hands. I will stop contacting her starting from now. How long did you wait until you wrote to her again? What did you do to pass the time because i'm not able to do anything to get my mind off of her. Also since she was my bestfriend i dont have anybody to talk to anymore. We had devoted all of our time to eachother and we both lost contact with our old friends. I will pray that she sees and thinks clearly again and comes back to me. Just the thought of losing her forever breaks my heart. Also, i know that she is already comparing him to me because he now has a picture of himself with a baby that is in the exact same pose as the picture i have on facebook. I pray that God will open her eyes and let her see. I will fight the pain as hard as i can. Thank you so much for your help, im so happy that a guy that was in my same position got the woman of his dreams back and are working everything out. It gives me so much hope. I really appreciate your time and help. Thank you

Ps: may I ask if you tried going out with other people? Because I really don't want anybody else.

[Serge039]

I got an answer from her regarding the message i sent her. She told me this and i quote " ...I understand that it must be hard but for now no matter what you do and how many messages you send, you wont get a different answer from me" I want to emphasize on the for now. She always chooses her words carefuly so does that mean there is still hope? Do i answer her? This is so hard for me. But i have to keep strong.

Edit: I just wanted to let you know that i didnt answer her. Im seeing signs from God that this is something temporary. Wherever im looking im seeing something that is talking about my exact situation and in the end that person comes back. And im leaving all of my faith in Gods hands and i see it that he is telling me something by showing me those things. I know deep down inside and we both know that a love like the one we had for eachother is something that will never die. No matter what. I have faith in God and in her and in our love.

[kayc]

I'm sorry you're going through this, I know how painful it is, believe me. When my fiance broke up with me I didn't hear from him for two months and it was hell. Everything was fine up until then and I couldn't believe he could discard me so easily after being engaged for a year and spending every weekend together and talking every day.

I wouldn't press her for changes or commitment, just try to stay in her life if you can, be there for her. It's the hardest thing in the world, but you have to let her have her space and respect her decisions. If it's meant to be, she will come back to you. We can't control the situation, I can't stress that enough. Sometimes it takes absence for a person to miss you. Grieving is a weird thing and not everyone responds the same. I've lost my husband and my father, a niece, and a nephew...I know grief...but I never wanted to shut those closest to me out. But my fiance did just that and apparently it's not uncommon because we're all here.

I sincerely wish you the best and hope things work out for you in the end. This is one of those things we have to accept and proceed on faith that it will all work out for the best.

[Serge039]

Thank you for your concern. I have an update that is not so great you see yesterday i was on the internet and her friend started talking to me and i didnt ask anything about her and then she started talking to me about her and so i couldnt help myself and started talking and telling her how much i missed her and how much i pray she would come back. And that friend told me not to tell her that we talked and i told her i wont. so later on in the night i get a message from her telling me how can i talk to her friends, and she got mad at me, her friend had told her that we talked... Also its been a couple of days that she is writing on her facebook things like she is trying to convince herself that she made the right decision. I see it like she is still thinking about me and still questioning if she made the right choice. Im trying to stay so strong but this is so difficult for me. I want to help her so much but shes not letting me. I dont know what to do. I love her so much.

[kayc]

Well you have two choices...you can ignore her and not reply. Or you can tell her that her friend started the conversation and confess that she is on your mind. Either way is probably a losing situation. I would probably opt for the not replying since if you're going to lose anyway, at least it could pique her interest. I guess it's not a good idea to talk to her family or friends. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone where I felt under attack and had to explain myself all the time, but that's just me. I wish you luck with it, maybe it'll all blow over, all you can do is wait and see I guess.

[haveFAITH]

Is there an update to what is going on with this situation serge?