Good Bye My Best Friend

[ginge]

Late yesterday I had to say goodbye to my best friend of nearly 18 years ( his birthday was to be in two weeks). I am empty. Benji was a beautiful golden retriever loved by all who met him. He has left such a big void and I am still numb. I spent the day with him just cuddling and talking before it was time to take him to the vets. It was such a special time together. I think he knew - he was happy just to lay next to me on the floor and listen as I talked to him of so many things and the times we had had together.

I know I did the right thing - his arthritis had made it impossible for him to move around freely and over the last couple of weeks his back legs had given way and he could not get up by himself. Just wish that I could have had him forever- I had him since he was 8 weeks old and he has been my constant companion - where I was he was.

At the moment I think that the pain I feel will never end - it just wells up inside of me and consumes me- how can there be life without my woderful friend.

I stayed with him whilst the vet injected the drugs - how could I not- and help him - it was so quick and peaceful - I kept saying he just looks like he is asleep in his favourite position - head resting over his paw. Such a beautiful, big boy - gone. I told him we will meet again and I need to hold onto that to keep going at the moment.

[rebbyreb99]

Ginge...I am so sorry. It has been a month today that I put Katie, my Jack Russell down. There is not one day that I have not thought of Katie. I still see her everywhere. I still have my tv on at night because at night she snored and the silence is deafening. I still cry at least once a day thinking of her. You did what was best for Benji. If we as humans were guaranteed a quick, peaceful sleep with the ones we love right next to us as the last thing we saw. I am very thankful for this website because even though after a month I don't need to see it every day as I did the first week, it still is a comfort for me. You will meet him again. I too hold on to that very thought.

[ginge]

Thank you - your words are a comfort to me. Today has been awful- I can't think straight I go to call him but of course he is not here. I can't bring myself to vacuum his hair from the carpet- he was always an inside dog -he just had to be with me. I look for him and think I see he lying in his favourite place on the carpet. When i awoke this morning I made sure i looked to see if he was right along side the bed where he normally slept at night, just so I didn't step on him getting out of bed. I was going to bed tonight and without thinking started to call him to come to bed- the things you do. Still haven't made it to bed yet. I know it will get better as time goes on but the pain and loss is just so real and debilitating now. I collect his ashes next week and I know that is also to be a very emotional time also. But at least then I will have him back home where he belongs.

I am so sorry for your loss too- Jack Russell's are amazing - I have friends that have them and they have such characters. I am sure that your Katie was wonderful and I can so relate to your sadness. They are and always will be part of our lives. I look forward to when I can remember Benji and the tears don't flow - some time away yet.

I too am so glad that I found this website- it is so comforting to know there are so many people out there who love and respect their animal family members so much- it is as it should be.

Take care and I hope your life is filled with happiness in the future.

[kayc]

Ginge,

I'm sorry you had to put your beautiful retriever down. My dog is 1/2 retriever, 1/2 Husky, and I know when the time comes I lose him, I'll be inconsolable. I'm glad your dog went peacefully and you were there. Remembering the good times helps...I've had dogs put to sleep before and it's never easy. My heart goes out to you!

[ginge]

Kayc - thank you- I have had many tears again today - some one just said sorry to hear and that was it. I know I will smile again and I will remember the happy, good times we had together over nearly 18 years. I was actually able to take his water bowls away today - funny I still think he is next to me- perhaps he is in spirit. I truly hope so.

I hope you have many happy years with your dog, he sounds gorgeous. Take care and hope that life is very good to you and brings you much joy.

[rebbyreb99]

Ginge,

The day I got her ashes back they not only sent a beautiful container for her ashes but also took the liberty to put her pawprint in plaster. I have to say that really brought the tears flowing at a fast rate. Like you said though, at least we know our best buddies are back with us now. I have another Jack Russell named Jake and he was 8 weeks old when we got him. Katie who was 4 at the time treated him like her baby. Needless to say Jake is very lonely. I know that you are looking for Benji everywhere. I know exactly what you are thinking. I can tell you that you love your best buddy as I do mine and it is getting a little better each day. What is that saying? "It will never be the same, it will just be different." Have you been looking at any books to read about the death of a pet? It does help me. By the way, I still have not put her pallet away that she had to sleep on for the last week of her life. It is still under my bed and I can't get myself to put it away yet. I did put a picture of her as a screensaver though. I broke down several times looking at her when I saw her but now it brings some strange comfort to me. I hope you slept better tonight my friend.

[ginge]

Rebbyreb99

Nights are still not good- it is too quiet. At least during the day I can keep busy in the garden but at night the emptiness is so real. I came home tonight and really didn't want to open the front door as I knew Benji would not be there waiting for me but in my heart I really hoped he was and this has all been an awful nightmare. Funny how you think you see their movement out of the corner of your eye or look over to see if they are sleeping in the favourite spot. I used to talk to Benji all the time now there is no-one to talk to. I just knew that he understood what I was saying, what I was feeling - the simple act of stroking his head or ears was calming and soothing. I miss this and his adoring eyes - he really did love me without question.

I have been able to speak about him without breaking down so that is a positive thing but I was really glad that no-one at the dinner tonight asked anything - I am emotionally weary and drained and need to breathe and clear this swirling head of mine.

I can truly understand the tears when you collected Katie's ashes - whilst I want Benji's back here I know that it will be another emotional wrench and it will reopen the wounds - not that they are any way near healed yet. You are so strong to be able to hav a picture of Katie as a screen saver - I am not sure that I can do that - but I really would like to be able to do so- maybe in time. I will be able to put a picture of him on the casket of his ashes - and I am really pleased with that - not that we can ever forget what our best mates were like. I saw his brush and comb in the laundry today - he so loved being brushed - he would lay there for an hour or more so contented and blissed out. I could not bear to put them away. I did vacuum part of the house and it was just awful emptying his hair from the container- the rest of the house will just have to wait for now.

Tomorrow is another day and each day as you say will never be the same but different and better in it's own way. I am off to try to get some sleep now - hope all is good in your life

[kayc]

How sweet that they got her pawprint for you! I would truly treasure that. I hope it gets easier for you.

[rebbyreb99]

You made a step forward by vacuming. I know some people(obviously not animal lovers right?)would think that was just crazy but it is a huge step Ginge. You are moving forward and that is a good thing. I hope you will have someone you trust with you the day you get your Benji's ashes back.I think that would be a good thing to have that support. I miss her just as much as the day she left me. The crying is not as much...mostly the tears start when I am walking my dog Jake because that was her favorite thing to do. It is just one step at a time. I can tell how much you are a animal lover. Maybe someday you can bless another dog by bringing him or her home to live with you. I am thinking the same thing my self.

[ginge]

Hi Rebbyreb99

I do think that I will have to take some-one with me- the thought of collecting Benji's ashes makes my stomach churn with emotion - my son and his fiance were with me when Benji went to sleep - they were distraught as well. Benji had been in Chris's life since Chris was 7 years old so it was a huge loss for him as well. Just writing that makes me feel a little guilty as I have not really been thinking about the impact on Chris - just too wrapped up in my own grief at the moment. I spoke with a friend today and actually mentioned Benji's name without a flood of tears. I find I am remembering some of the great times we had together - I would give anything to have them back but I know I can't.

I can't even think about another dog at the present- but I was reading about the local animal rescue organisation and I feel drawn to find out more.

So maybe I can do something to help other animals until I feel ready to start a new bond with a new dog- I know my life will not be complete without animals. I live on an acreage so maybe I can foster some animals until then but that is down the track a little.

My son and his fiance have just adopted two dumped kittens who are absolutely delightful but I just can't bring myelf to visit them at the moment- even though Chloe ( fiance) says my grandkittens are missing me.

I will try to get some sleep tonight- it was nearly 3.30 this morning when I finally fell asleep. It seems as soon as my head hits the pillow my mind starts churning and the tears start. I take comfort from you that this will change over time.

take care and thank you for caring.

ginge

[kayc]

I remember when my husband passed away, my daughter came home with me and I only slept one hour and couldn't lay there any more, so I got up and started cleaning house. I don't know what it is about that, but it is therapeutic. When my fiance broke up with me, I started cleaning house on my days off...my house had never been so clean! (too bad it doesn't last)

You will know when the time is right...and when the pet is right. I usually wait a few months before getting a new pet and when you meet the one...you know it.

[rebbyreb99]

Ginge,

I don't know if this would work for you as it seems to work for me but at night when I turn the lights off and tv off and my mind would immediately go to the night I put Katie to sleep I switch gears and think of another subject that is in need of my focus for the time being. Since what usually my mind starts dwelling on is seeing her so sick and all my guilt on how it finally ended. I take this anger and hurt and apply it to something else that deserves the anger which involves nothing that has to do with Katie.. Probably a good therapist would say that is the wrong thing to do but I am here to tell you that by taking this hurt about Katie and applying it to someone/something that really deserves it, it really helps me. I believe when there is sufficient time I can then think of Katie at night without crying my eyes all the time. You do what you need to do to get thru this very rough time. You will find it.

I wish that I had acreage as you do. I have often thought of many times that if I had the space I would have a hobby farm and would have misfit animals that others threw away like garbage. Your son sounds like he loves animals as you do. My son also was brought up to love and respect animals. Katie was his christmas present when he was in grade school. This was tough on him like it is tough on your son. We raised great kids didn't we! I think you are on to something on a local animal rescue org. I decided to go every month to one here in Arizona and find out what they are in need of. I at some point will put my name on a rescue list and will adopt when the time comes. Hang in there Ginge. I promise you one day you will have a picture of Benji at your desk and you will have a huge smile at all times:) Rebby

[rebbyreb99]

KayC,

I did the exact thing when I knew the day I put Katie to sleep that this was it. I cleaned my house like it has never been cleaned. You are right that a waiting period should be in place before getting another pet. I believe that no animal is ever replaceable. My sister made a great point. With all the unwanted pets in the world how as animal lovers ever not bring one in to a loving home with someone with so much love to give. I was not going to get another dog but when she said that all I could think of is all the animals in cages looking for someone to love them. I can not even imagine my home without another animal.

[ginge]

Kayc, you have been through so much and still are positive- what an inspiration you are. I have started to sleep better some nights- but the motivation and general joy is still lacking greatly.I know it is early days yet - yesterday was the end of the first week without Benji- and it has pobably been one of the longest weeks in my life. To lose a loved partner must be unbearable. I look forward to getting motivation back and then I can attack the house cleaning- I can only manage short stints at the moment during the day although I did clean out the wardrobes on my sleepless nights. I also found it better to get up and do something rather than lay there. Just need to be able to switch the mind off bu i am sure that will come with time.

[kayc]

You are right, it does take time, and it's the hardest thing in the world to go through. I think I'd rather go through any infirmity than one of the heart. Good luck and I hope someday you find another sweet soul to love!

[ginge]

Hi Rebby,

Into the second week now and starting to comes to terms with Benji's passing - although I still find it difficult to talk about it with people- Guess I am just worried the tears will start again. I wonder how long it takes to stop expecting to see him here or when I am out, stop thinking about needing to get home to him to let him out or just because I have been away from him for too long?.

I think I now realise i knew the end was coming for him but I just could not accept it - he was always going to be with me- and I was always going to have him to love and take care of- very big,big hole left now. But my mind is starting to tell me that I did what I did out of total love for him and to want him to remain with me was being selfish on my part. He has been such a devoted loyal friend the least I could do for him was to make sure he did not suffer anymore - it though it caused enormous pain and grief for me. I guess people who don't have animals would find it difficult to understand the depths of grief we pet owners experience but as you and I know it is very real.

I can collect his ashes today - have been teary all morning - one part of me can't wait to go -the other knows that this will make it all so very real and final.

I think we should be very proud of the way we have raised our sons to be so caring of animals - if only more people did the same I kmow there would be a lot less animal cruelty in this world - animals are extraordinary and it is a gift to have them in our lives.

I look forward to the day that I can look a picture of Benji and smile with the sheer joy of knowing what a wonderful companion he was and what a special bond we shared.

Thankyou Rebby for being here for me throughout this- I know I have a long way to go but the road seems a little easier now. I know I will never forget Benji as you will never forget Katie and we can be so thankful that they shared their lives with us - such a precious gift.

I wish you well for the future and many, many happy times with your animals.

Ginge

[rebbyreb99]

Hi ginge,

I figured when I saw that you wrote I had a feeling you either had Benji's ashes or were told you could bring him home. You will have to tell me what you ended up doing. You were wondering how long it would be before you would always see Benji everywhere. You had Benji a very long time. My sister raises golden retrievers. One of her puppie's parents called her the other day. 15 years ago they picked "Emma" to come home with them. This couple were 60 years old at the time.. They called her the other day to tell her that Emma had cancer and they had to put her down. They called Julie because they were just devastated and just needed to call her. They had not talked to my sister for 15 years but they needed to talk to her because they didn't know what they would do now after Emma had given so much to them in their lives. It is amazing what animals can do. My girlfriend had to put her "Perci" down around Christmas. My friend has survived stage 4 cancer, lost her dad in September and her husband asked for a divorce 6 months ago. She told me that in all of the these horrible things that have occured in her life, losing Perci made her cry the most. I just have to think that even though it is so very hard to lose a pet it just amazes me how much we need them! I can't ever imagine my life without those furry friends. Let me know how you are doing whether you have Benji yet or going to go him. Anything I can do to help you thru this would make me happy. I thought you might like to see a picture of Katie. This was taken a few days before she left me. I hate taking pictures and I mean hate taking pictures but something told me that I needed to take this of her. This was her favorite spot in the house!

[kayc]

My dog is 1/2 Golden Retriever and 1/2 Siberian Husky, I'll try to post a picture of him, his name is Arlie. He is a rescue dog, when I saw his picture in the paper, I knew instantly that he was the one, and I couldn't have made a better choice, he is perfect for me! I think it will be like that for you one day too, that you will know the one you are supposed to adopt.

[rebbyreb99]

He is beautiful! I believe the same thing, I will know it when it is time. Adoption now is the only way to go.

[beakerj]

Oh, these pictures are gorgeous. I too love my dogs beyond reason & have sniffled my way though this whole thread.

I'm so sorry for what has been lost, & so thankful for that which remains & is yet to come, in terms of having dog friends to love.

Big sloppy kisses

Becka XXX

[rebbyreb99]

Hi Becka,

I love what you said about what is yet to come. Big sloppy kisses also!!!!

Rebby

[ginge]

Hi Rebby, sorry it has taken me a while to reply. You were right - I had been told that Benji's ashes could be collected. The vet let messages on my phone ( land and mobile) but I could not respond for a couple of days as I knew collecting his ashes would make this so real and final. Finally I plucked up the resolve to go. I just can't believe how sick I felt, I was shaking and nearly hyperventilating. I decided to go on my own as I just felt it was what I had to do for my best friend - he was mine and I needed to bring him home.

I remember the tears streaming down my face as I clutched the box- I could hardly read the inscription - I just wanted to get out of there and get home - to take him back to where he belongs. I sat the box next to me on the passenger seat and just sat there in the car for what seemed so a long time until I composed myself enough to drive home.

Once home I felt safe enough to look at the inscription - they had done a beautiful job of it and the box was lovely- so fitting for such a special friend. I now have to find a photo to put on top of the box but that could take a bit more time.

It has been a month today since he has been gone - I truly think it has been the longest month of my life. You were so right - there is not a day that goes by without my thinking of him so many times - and sometimes there are tears ( like now) and sometimes not. I actually spoke about him today to someone describing something that he used to do like he was still here and immediately I realised - no- he is gone. It hurt all over again.

I miss him being with me at night- he would lay by my feet and every now and then he would lift his head, look at me as if to say- yep- you're still here and then go off to sleep at again. When I went to bed I would just have to say "Bed Benji" and he would follow me to the bedroom and lay on the floor right alongside my bed. As he became older and needed to go outside during the night I would sense his head on the side of the bed next to me and I knew he wanted to go out. He never made a noise - just put his head next to me and I guess waited patiently until I stirred from his being there. There was such a strong bond- a bond that cannot be broken even by his death I am sure.

I will look into fostering of animals but not just yet- I still need to grieve his loss.

How are you coping without Katie- do you think you may get another dog sometime? I know another dog can never replace the ones we have lost but I think you are very right in saying that there are so many unloved animals out there and knowing that it can only bring us joy to share the love we have with and for animals with these unloved and rejected animals - when the time is right.

Thank you for sending the photo of Katie- she is beautiful and looks like quite a character! It is really eerie what you said about taking photos- I was exactly the same as you - for some reason one night several weeks before he was gone, I just took some photos of Benji with the mobile phone camera- it was on the table in the lounge room and he was just lying there asleep and something just compelled me to pick up the phone and take some pictures. Why do oyu think we did this?

I have not sent these photos to my computer yet - not ready but hopefully soon I can. When I do I will send one to you and Kayc so you can share my wonderful dog with me, as you have both allowed me to share yours.

thank you again for all your support and encouraging words- be well and happy

ginge

[rebbyreb99]

No worries about just getting back to me. I think that means that you are healing...slowly but surely. When you are ready, I would love to see a picture of Benji. I am glad you got thru bringing Benji home. It is a horrible thing to have to do isn't it? My husband brought her home and he cried when the vet asst started crying when she brought Katie's ashes to him. You know what I think it was that both you and I decided to take pictures of our dogs? I believe with all my heart that God knew I would need them and since I hate and I mean HATE taking pictures that just tells me it was from Him. You also. You see....I believe that God knows my heart and He knows how much my animals mean to me so I was going to need some pictures taken of Kati and He placed that on my heart. I am not sure how you are with that explanation but to me it makes me feel good that someday I will be with them.

I am going to get a dog but I am not going to rush into this because it would be a knee jerk reaction to just plunge into getting another dog thinking it would make the hurt go away. There is no way that hurt of Katie or Benji for you will go away by getting another dog. I am waiting for the right time and I am believing I will know when it is right to get another dog. I am glad that you and I can give eachother encouragement. You most certainly are doing that for me. Are your nights better I hope?

Becky