Why Such A Difference This Time?

[Shady Wilbury]

Hello, friends.

I've been reading but not posting- the peace I found in January was short lived, as I received news of a friend in Tennessee's passing following a three year battle with anorexia. I'm finding myself in the midst of some major anger, which really isn't me- last time was just marked by a sadness that took a long while to go.

I wish I could find a way through this.

Casey

[MartyT]

Casey, dear ~ I'm so sorry that you've endured the loss of yet another friend. You don't say what is different about this death that may lead you to experience "some major anger," but I wonder if the cause of your friend's death may have something to do with your reaction to it? There is an element of self-destruction in cases of anorexia, and your reactions may be similar to those you might have if your friend had died by suicide. You may find this article helpful: Exploring the Uniqueness of Your Suicide Grief

Also, I've just read a post on a blog that made me think of you, and I thought you might like to read it too. It's about the death of a cyber-friend and the author's reaction to the news: "Perhaps the relationship was merely 'virtual,'" Jennifer Abel writes, "yet the loss I feel now is entirely real." Life's a Joy That Has to End: Rest in Peace, John Hannah

[Shady Wilbury]

Thanks, Marty.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with your observation about the 'element of self destruction'- part of me still wants to say "She [expletive] chose that?!' I know a fair bit of the background- it all went horribly wrong after she lost her fiancé in 2007, but I still can't believe that there's this anger, because when she was around and I heard about endless repeated hospitalisations, there was only ever time to be concerned for what the future might hold. (On three occasions, medical intervention was necessary to keep her here.) All those occasions are coming back, with the anger which I never expressed at the time. Then there's the root feeling of 'If I feel like this, I can't possibly have loved her?'

Really appreciate your assistance,

Casey