Update On Life

[SHeiss]

Hello again all. It has been a few months. I have been trying to occupy my mind with other things.It has been 5 months since my dad passed away. We encountered his 48th birthday last month and I felt weird not getting him a gift. I didn’t even do anything for it and I feel horrible. I have been thinking a lot lately how when someone is alive and healthy they aren’t on your mind often, but the moment they die they are on your mind daily. I think about my dad every single day no matter what I am doing. There is always some memory that pops up that makes me smile or laugh or I remember that he is gone and I become sad.

My husband and I are still having issues. I am trying to be better for the sake of my marriage but since my dad passed I am easily irritable and my husband says that I have changed. I know I have changed. I feel like I see life in a whole new way and I hate it. I realize I will never be who I once was and I miss that about myself. I miss being happy and I miss going out and having fun – I just don’t see a point to it. I am still questioning religion and if there is a God. I just don’t understand if there was a God, why do we have to live here 1st and then die? What is the point? Then why are people so upset when someone dies if they believe they will see them again when they die? Wouldn’t it be like a mini vacation? I am agnostic but I talk to my dad all the time. I feel crazy. I ask for him to prove to me that he is around and I have seen nothing. My sister swears she talks to him all the time… but I think she just wants to so badly that she makes it up in her head. Why would he see her and talk to her but not me if he is truly about?

I have been having some pains in my stomach and I automatically think it’s cancer. My doctor has run tests on me ct scan of that area and it hasn’t shown anything. I am still afraid I have it even though my dr. ruled it out. He thinks I am scaring myself because my dad had cancer. I did go through a period where I thought I was dying because I had no idea what was going on in my stomach (and still don’t) Anyone else do that? When someone has died from cancer or something other sickness do you think you have it or some form of it?

Anyway, things are not better but I am able to cope a little more each day. I am still pretty upset he is gone and I wish that God and Heaven was a “for sure” thing. I would love to “know” that he is in a “better place” rather than his remains were spread on a mountain. Maybe one day I will find faith and have that blissful ignorance the rest of my family has.

Hope all of you have been well or at least as good as you’re able to be.

[DebFromLodi]

Perhaps you should start going to Church? I don't go to Church and know I should but that is where you may find your answers. I love God and believe my mom and I will be together again someday. The only thing I am not sure of is I wonder if you go to Heaven the moment you die or do you sleep and wait for the second coming of Christ to be risen from the dead. It is ok to have questions and if you have doubts, talk to someone at a Church. They will take all the time you need. If I did not believe my mom is with God, then my life would not be worth living. Now, since she is passed, I have a reason to live my life the best I can...so I can be with her again. I have to make sure I get to Heaven becasue I know that is where she is. I could not bear not being with her in the afterlife. I have not received any "signs" from her and I have not had any dreams of her giving me messages but that is where, I believe, faith comes in to play. One thing for sure, I would much rather believe in God in this life then die and find out there is no God then to live this life not believing in Him and dying to find out I was wrong. Does that make sense? That is not my reason for believing of course, but it could be a starting point for you. I also believe that when people die, God is there to help them cross over. They do not feel any pain in the end but instead are watching their bodies and their loved ones. If people do go to Heaven immediately, I doubt they would be able to see us or communicate with us becasue seeing us in pain would hurt them and Heaven is a place without pain. These are only my beliefs and I do have questions. I just have no doubts. I will pray for you to find your answers.

[jodo]

Hi Sharla !!

It's great to hear from you !!! Just yesterday when I was on this site I was thinking about you and wondering how you were ?!! I can relate to EVERY word that you wrote , It's been 17 months since I lost my Dad , and I am still having a very hard time. Like you, I just don't feel like myself, I miss the happy person I used to be (before my Dad died ) I have withdrawn from a lot of friends and family because I feel they are thinking I should be doing better by now.

I still feel like you do about the whole God and heaven thing, I consider myself agnostic too.

Of course there are people who would tell me because I "don't believe"- that it's the reason I'm still having a hard time ! Nope, I don't buy that ! Anyways, enough of that !

As far as signs from my dad, my Mom and I have had some. The thing that usually happens , is I will ask my Dad to send me a butterfly to tell me he's ok,and that he can hear me, and within seconds a butterfly will appear !! And, the thing is- I live in the dry desert, there are no flowers or grass to attract butterflies (so they are a rare sighting!) Maybe you could try to ask that ?

I hope you can get to the bottom of your stomach pains ?? I think maybe our grief does bad things to our bodies. I hope that's all it is, and nothing serious. Keep us posted !

Well,I'm sending you love and hugs Sharla, and hope to hear more from you !

Love, Jodi

[niamh]

hi Sharla,

It's good to hear from you hun. I'm sorry you've already had to deal with his birthday, it's horrible not being able to go shopping for a gift, a nice card. It's so true what you say about when someone is in this world how they don't occupy your mind all the time. I too have my Dad in my mind all the time........I have yet to really laugh or smile at a memory, I still can't think back ......most of the time it's still just the fact that he's not here, i can't go chat to him at dinner about our day at work.

I'm sorry to hear there are some issues with you and your husband, I hope so much it will be ok. Yes losing our Dads changes us and it's very hard to deal with that change, it's not a change that we asked for, not a change we could have ever prepared for. I do miss the old me so much too, I really feel like a part of me just left that night with my Dad.

I too still question God & all that. The only times I've been to church since have been for 2 funerals of people very close to close friends of mine. I did go one other time a couple of months ago with a friend .......we went to light some candles, so I went in, lit one for so many people, asked for signs and so on. Well, so much went from bad to worse for me in the weeks after that so it really didn't help my questioning of everything .........I make myself go to a church, light candles and just try and then even more stupid trivial crap landed on my lap in the weeks following. Needless to say have not been back since and even when friends are having tough time with life etc I can't even say the words "I'll say a prayer" because I won't and can't pray.

I wish we had the answers to what life is all about. I have no clue why I don't get (or see) and signs or messages from my Dad either, when he was here he would have moved Heaven and Earth for me, now I wonder why he can't but I think underneath all the doubt I still have to believe that he lives on, he has to.........I think if I lost that thought with 100% certainty I'm not sure I could continue in this life.

I'm sorry you also have the stress of sometimes wondering if you have cancer when you get stomach pains. I think grief can also hit us physically and I think it's logical that you would wonder and fear you have it because of the traumatic experience you had with your Dad. I know I've had times where I have felt physical pain in my chest, can get aches and pains out of nowhere, stomach pains too .........it's often at a time when I am struggling very much with needing and missing my Dad and something else is also causing stress. I didn't lose my Dad to cancer so that I can't relate to but I'm sure others here possibly can.

Like you I cope a little better too, it's not easier just different, I still don't like life, still need and wish for my Dad as much as I ever did and all I can do is live with it, I know I will not ever see the day where I can say I am ok with my Dad being gone.

Sending you a ton of love and a big ((Daddy girl hug)) Sharla,

Niamh

x

[Daughter2010]

Hello Sharla!

It is good to hear from you. I can relate to a lot of what you are going through. For me it has been 18 months since my father passed and you go through so many changes that at times it is hard to recognize the new you.

The passing of our loved ones does take a toll on us and it definitely changes us. I can understand you having problems with your husband, your reactions are understandable after what you have been through with your father. I know that up until the moment our parents passed, we had a notion of ourselves, but then after it is a matter of trying to figure out what is going on with us and our new selves, let alone going through the roller coaster ride of emotions that grief brings along. For me there were times I wanted to shout at the world, and couldn't understand why people get to have their parents to an old age and I didn't get that with my father. In those first few months I felt so out of myself, and then learned it is all part of grief. We all experience it differently, and we just need to remember this is a period of adjustment. The first 6 months I could not do anything, other than go to work, come home and zone out, literally. Those months felt like a fog, but little by little, step by step you get through it. As time goes by I have learned to adjust to my new life. Do I miss dad? Of course! The joy and wisdom he always provided, are so special to me that I wish for a moment I could just talk to my father and ask him about his day, listen to him laugh..

What has kept me going? my faith. It is ok to question religion and God. All of your questions are valid. You can ask God about all of them. In my case I one day asked God to reveal himself to me, to walk with me, to guide me, to fill my life, I said I really wanted to know Him, for who He is, like when you have a relationship with someone and you know that person, that's how I wanted to know God. He has answered my prayer in many ways. I know I will see my dad again, but that doesn't mean I don't grieve for him. I was thinking about this last night and of course I grieve him because we are separated! I miss him. I know he is ok, like he is in a foreign country far far away and I eventually will get to see him.

About talking to your father, it is completely normal. I do the same thing too! And about your sister talking to your father, you know my brother dreams with my dad so much? See, my father was pro at cycling and so is my brother, they have a special bond. He has seen my father in dreams more times than I can count, and I have only seen my father twice ind dreams in the past 18 months. I believe dad keeps an eye on my brother as out of us 4, he has a bit of difficult character. Mom has not seen dad in dreams that much either, only 2 or 3 times. She grieves for him deeply, again it is the separation that hurts the most, and it takes time to adjust to that. We eventually learn to cope better but we always miss them, that is just how it is.

As for your stomach pains, I can completely relate. My father had cancer and since he was taken from earth so soon, well it made us realize tomorrow is not promised. So for every thing, discomfort or sign of sickness I have thought it could be something serious, so it is normal to feel that way. Just keep in mind that grief can really take a toll on you physically and mentally. Make sure you eat right, to take care of yourself, get enough sleep and get your regular check ups. The only thing you can control is how you live, including your eating habits.

Be gentle with yourself, I assure you that with time, the pain changes. It never goes away but it just changes and we learn to live with it and to cope. I still cry, although not as much as in the beginning. It is important you express all of your emotions, if you need to cry, cry. If you want to scream, do so. Expressing how we feel helps us deal with grief. Holding it inside will only delay the process.

Sharla, it is good to hear from you, do not despair, remember little by little , day by day it will get better. Your father is not gone, he is just somewhere else you cant get to just yet. I will keep you in my prayers.

Big hug,

-L