Forgetting Someone

[hello123]

I know people have probably said this before but I wonder if it's the same. Someone who lost his father when he was 21 and now 30 said that "sometimes it feels like I never really knew him like he didn't exist" and it was the worst thing to hear I NEVER wanted that I would rather fresh pain everyday than forgetting. But recently although it hasn't even been long, was only one year in Feb so like a year and a few months but getting used to it means that I'm forgetting not just him but what it was like when he was around. Maybe it's because i'm not at home, but last night he was in my dream not HIM but his face and his hands I saw them so closely n vividly and cried because I hadn't seen his face for so long, but it was like a stranger waking up it was not like before but like who was that, thats all he is now a memory and I'm scared because adjusting means not remembering what it used to be like. It's just so sad, for him that he didn't have long enough to have a legacy yea it was longer than other people but now because MOST of our lives will be that without him his impact won't be as strong as it should be.

[Guest Nicholas]

I have exactly the same feelings about my parents who died when I was 19 and 23 respectively. I also feel that I lived several lives in one life and that the period with them was just one life. My latest life was with my son - I guess some of the memories of this will also fade but never disappear completely since I talk to him all the time and his ashes are still with me and I am still in the flat we shared. If I moved, it might change; creating a memorial website might help you or something similar.

Nicholas

[niamh]

hi hello123,

I can relate to your fear, I'm definitely not forgetting my Dad but since he's been gone I don't know what it felt like to have him here, I no longer know what that secure feeling was like, it will never ever come back again, that I know, I will only ever be able to get a fraction of that security if even that and it will always be a temporary feeling.

I remember talking to a friend who lost a parent when she was a teenager and when I asked how long it had been she could not remember how many years........that really stunned me, she was 15 or so when she lost him. Don't think I'll ever be saying "I don't know" as to when my Dad left this world & I wouldn't want to foget it either.

I hate that it is just memories now, memories don't give the same feeling of having the person around, they're just not as real.

I also hate all the new routines without my Dad, things I have to do because I can't do them like before when he was here, wears me down sometimes just wanting the old normality I used to have.

Yep, I have a real hard time knowing how long is ahead in life without him, half my life with him, half or more than half without him, that ratio is all too wrong, we've just been cheated of so much.

((hugs)) to you

Niamh

[BellaRosa]

I have a hard time looking at pictures of my mom because it's a reminder that she was here and now she's not. I have a very hard time (especially lately) with the fact that she doesn't exist anymore. Sometimes it feels as if she never did, even though I know that's not true because I have all these memories of her.

I worry all the time that I'll forget her. I don't ever want to forget her voice or her mannerisms or any of her characteristics. I'm terrified that one day I will, no matter how hard I try not to.

[niamh]

Me too Erin, I still struggle with photos, I can glance a little at ones that are up and always were but I don't go through old photos or anything, in fact I have a bunch from my Dad's brother i need to get copied for myself and I still haven't even been able to do that.

it's like how can my Dad just be a memory or photo now ?

Sometimes I find having to tell myself that yes life was really that good, it wasn't a dream, my Dad was really and truly in this world with me but it feels somewhat dreamlike because in one sense it was so long ago (17months), I find it hard to believe that I used to be such a happy person once upon a time, all seems so far out of reach now.

((hugs))

N

[BellaRosa]

it's like how can my Dad just be a memory or photo now ?

YES! Exactly. When my mom first passed, I had no problem going through photos for her service and I think now that it was because everything was still so fresh and I had JUST seen her a couple of days ago. Now that she's forever gone and it's been so long since I've seen her live and in person, it's hard to even look at her. It's almost easier to just pretend that she's still here or that she never was... I know that sounds awful, but it's all that gets me through some days.

[hello123]

Thank you so much for your replies. Nicholas: I know what you mean when I go home the house we shared together it's like his presence is there but its like we're adjusting without him that's what I mean so although it feels like he's around its getting normal for him not to be also I do have a memorial website which now doesn't feel the same when I go on it! Niamh and BellaRosa I know exactly what you mean the photo thing, thats like on the website its JUST a photo not a person and its so weird. I hate it

[whyknot]

I just joined this discussion group tonight. That was my decision in order to have people to talk to. Lately people are either avoiding me or hugging me and crying about how sorry they feel for me! Gosh it's no wonder I'm avoiding walmart.

Three months ago we lost our 27 year old son. 15 years ago we lost our older son. We have raised our grandson who is now almost 20 years old.

I have had a crisis today because I have been so bold in thinking that because I went through this before that I could count on my brain to remember how to deal with it. NOT TRUE. This is a very different experience because I am older, and also because my husband had a stroke two years ago and still cannot walk. Now he just wants to lay in bed a give up.

The being older is a problem for me. I am resentful at giving up all these months of my life to grieving when at my age we are counting the moments already.

Hope you all can bear through this with me.

N.

[hello123]

Hi Whyknot I'm sorry for your losses! (Sorry everyone probably says that!) The only thing I can relate to is at the beginning everyone was doing the hugging/crying thing now nobody does! There's a "loss of child" section people have been in a similar situation. I'm so sorry I can't really relate to you but I can see what you mean about being older and having to treasure, my grandma lost her son (my dad) and she is getting older and i can tell I feel bad going round crying I feel like she should be making the most of HER life but how can she when there's sadness and grief so I guess she tries to be happy and carry on the days she can. About not remembering how to deal with it like you said it's always different and im so sorry its had to happen twice but all I can say is after a few months the load and grief may lighten (I wont say get better because I HATE when people say that) and then maybe you can enjoy some moments more than you are now, so you can 'grieve' as well as making the most of your life

[whyknot]

Thanks for the thoughts. Here's something to think about. I just went to the 2peas in a pod site recommended here written by a young widow. She was telling about reading that deceased people communicate sometimes through electrical things like light bulbs etc. I just switched from her site back to here and my porch light went off for @10 seconds and just when I went to get up to check that out it turned back on. I don't know how I feel about these things either, but that is what happened.

[hello123]

I dunno either! I hear people saying that but I dont think I have encountered anything, people say about dreams too and my mums always like WHY OH WHY wont ur dad give us a sign (because it was so sudden she wanted SOMETHING) and we waited but it never happened then one day i wasSO down i was freaking out n he was in my dream so vividly and i wa slike its a sign! However my mum needs it more than me but she never does so i dunno....

[mik]

I too am afraid I will lose his memory somehow...It scares me. While I hate this grief, I don't ever want to lose what I have known of him. I don't want his memory to fade either. I keep a journal..I email him and keep it as my journal, so I will laways have my thoughts..that may help.