Brother Flips Out

[Ron B.]

18 months ago I lost my Mom. My recovery from grief took about a year; now I'm ok. Or I was ok, until a recent incident with my brother. My brother has what the psychological community calls 'Intermittent Explosive Disorder'. Once in a while he flies into a full rage. He's never hit or hurt anyone that I can recall, but he has been arrested on a couple of occasions. He mostly yells and and throws things about.

So, two weeks ago I am visiting with my 2 brothers and my sister. We had just sorted my mother's personal papers. My brother became very aggressive about taking possession of one item. It really wasn't his to take, so I disputed his claim. He flashed in anger. Then he jumped up and shoved me. Then he started yelling at me as loud as he could for almost a full minute. Total rage.

When someone rages at you, like my brother did to me, it can have a devastating effect. Nobody likes getting yelled at; it is very unpleasant. The best word I can find for the experience is 'demeaning'. I've rehashed the event in my mind, until I don't want to think about it any more. I want to forget about the entire incident, and just do the right things. But it's not that easy. I still feel a lot of negative emotion towards my brother.

So what do I do? I would tell my brother directly to get professional psychological help with his rage problem, but he would just resent me all the more. He is extraordinarily self-righteous, thinking it's others who have offended him.

So I am just waiting, grasping for solutions, and hoping that time heals. I don't think I can't heal my brother. I'm trying to figure out how to heal myself. I hope someone here can relate to my story. I am open to advice and suggestions.

Ron B.

[MattC]

Hi Ron,

I had the same issue with my sister. It sounds like your brother may have Borderline Personality Disorder, not the other thing you mentioned. Sudden rages are also a hallmark of some type of bipolar disorder as well, most likely Bipolar I. The difference between the two (BPD and BP1) is that BPD people may or may not suffer from some measure of depression though the two are often what shrink types call "co-morbid" or "co-occurring". Also, BPD describes a behavior pattern but does not attempt to explain causes. To say someone has a personality disorder is an observation of their behavior, not a diagnosis of an underlying actual psychiatric condition. In the case of BP1, that is a psychiatric diagnosis. BP1 may give rise to a personality disorder like BPD, but the two shouldn't be confused. They also have distinct diagnostic specs/descriptive features but the self-righteousness is one that they do share. So that is not distinguishing.

I hope this helps. It took me years to figure out what was going on in my FOO (Family Of Origin) and I eventually found out (and they did too) that a psychiatric disorder(s) were behind the dysfunction of my family and individuals within it.

As for approaching your brother about this, that is a tough one. You may not be able to discuss this with him in a rational fashion. The only thing, and best thing you can do for yourself, is protect yourself from his outbursts, if necessary limiting the time you spend around him or, as was necessary in my case, to eliminate entirely time spent around him-- until he can realize he has a problem and get help for it. One thing you can do for him if you make that decision is tell him flatly that his outbursts are both unacceptable and indicative that he has an anger mgt. problem or other problem that expresses itself in anger and until he gets a handle on it, you won't expose yourself to him. Then expect him to get very angry with you and blame you for his anger. But that is just too bad. Dealing with people like this requires you to know and set your own boundaries and then stick with them. This is as much a test for you as it will be for him to get a handle on his problems.

Sorry if this sounds preachy or like I am doing too much advice-giving. Mostly I am just trying to share with you my own experiences and what I did about them, and what was behind them in my family dynamic. Take what you like, leave the rest.

[Ron B.]

Thanks for your reply, MattC. I'm thinking very few other people here have ever been the target of rage. Rage is just not that common; I have seen it only rarely in my 57 years of life.

Matt, I think you are quite right to suggest other psychiatric diagnoses, besides 'Intermittent Explosive Disorder'. The psychiatric web-sites say that Intermittent Explosive Disorder is rare, and only an appropriate diagnosis if other diagnoses have been exhausted. So I looked at your suggestion of Borderline Personality Disorder, but it just doesn't match with my brother's history. He has relatively stable relationships, a reasonable sense of self-worth, and is not subject to intense abandonment feelings so common to this disorder. He has not engaged in self-mutilation or been suicidal either. Your other suggestion, Bipolar Disorder, seems improbable, because a manic episode is required for this diagnosis, and my brother has never been manic that I know of. But there's a lot I don't know about my brother, so I could be wrong.

Trying to diagnose my brother's behavioral problem is a bit hazardous, because I am not a mental health professional and could be way off the mark. Nevertheless, the description of Intermittent Explosive Disorder was compelling for me, as the symptoms listed fit my brother like a tailored suit. And the treatment options read like a perfect recipe for easing my brother's rage problem.

There is an excellent article about how to control rage on the American Psychological Association web-site:

http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx#

Curiously, my brother's rage has sparked some of my own serious anger issues. For the past 3 weeks (since the incident), I've been snappy, impatient, and aggressive with people. Been feeling a lot of despair too, just as I did after my mother died 18 months ago. Fortunately, I think the worst of my difficulty is past now; I do feel some recovery. I am practicing the anger-control methods recommended on the APA website. Good communication with other family members and with people here has also helped. Finally I am beginning to feel like I have options, and perhaps a solution.

I have already written a letter to a family member who has communicated its content to my brother. In the letter I forgave and asked for forgiveness. Said I'd work to repair the relationship.

The next step, I think, is to write a letter directly to my brother. Here's roughly how I have it planned out. First I'll say i regret the incident. Then I'll explain how the incident affected me, giving some detail: That I've been upset for weeks. That I've been through mood swings, despair, and depression. That I don't sleep normally. That my mind is so distracted, that I can't get much of anything done in the course of the day. All of this is true. Now here is the hard part. I plan to state plainly, if redundantly, that his rage leaves me in a state of psychological wreckage for weeks. I will then state plainly to my brother, that I will avoid him if he is going to rage at me like this in the future. I will then make ameliorating comment, saying that we all lose control over our emotions sometimes, so these things can be forgiven. Then more positive comment, stating that I value our family relationship, and I will work to repair damaged feelings.

One of the important things about this letter is that it avoids blame, fault, or any targeting of my brother as 'the problem'. Other than stating my own distress, the letter is mostly about valuing and repairing family relationships.

I think this is a much better solution than severing the relationship with my brother, though I did consider that briefly. If anybody else besides a family member raged at me like that, I would certainly sever the relationship for the duration of my life. But this is a family member, a brother who has redeeming qualities. My problem now is that it will be very difficult to meet with him and talk with him on future occasions. It's a bit like having kicked a dog; the dog will be inclined to cower, avoid, or aggress against the person that kicked him. So I have to choke back my own anger, and my own tendency to avoid my brother. I have to figure out how to keep pleasant company with someone who has been extraordinarily nasty. I plan to do it with other family members present, in a setting that's relatively safe (not inside his house). My thought is we can all have dinner together somewhere. That in itself would be real progress.

That's my plan. My clarity of mind has improved, but he situation is still very difficult. I prefer moving forward toward repairing this damaged relationship, even if it leaves me open and vulnerable to yet more of my brother's rage.

I really do need support from this community, otherwise I am just talking to myself. Does it look like I am on the right track? Will writing a letter to my brother help? Does the content of my letter look ok? Is a family dinner with him in some month to come a good idea? Please someone give me a few of your thoughts.

Ron B.

[MartyT]

Ron, dear, it's good to "see" you back here with us once again! For what it's worth, I think your plan is an excellent one, and I hope you will follow through with it. I've read the APA article you found about controlling anger ~ it's outstanding, and I thank you for sharing it with all of us.

Your post also demonstrates that pinning a psychiatric diagnostic label on your brother's behavior isn't really very helpful, because you're still left with how to deal with his behavior, regardless of its root causes. In the end, the only behavior you have much control over is your own ~ and it seems to me that you are making every effort to focus on what you can do in this situation. The key is to recognize that, as the wise man once said, even if you do everything perfectly "right," in the end, things still can turn out "wrong" ~ in the sense that you still won't have control over how your brother will respond to your efforts. Nevertheless, you'll be able to hold your head up high, knowing that you have behaved honorably and have done your best, regardless of the outcome.

[MattC]

Hi Ron,

You are closest to the situation so you know best what to do and it sounds like you have spent a lot of time considering things as well as have a good grasp of what is going on with you. You are also doing a lot of owning of your own feelings which is rare and admirable in such a situation.

Yes, you are doing the right thing. I say, full steam ahead with this plan!

Matt

[Aquarius7]

Hi Ron,

Sorry I am responding to this so late. You are amazing. You did and are doing the right thing. The way you did not let his emotion control you and that you did not respond physically or verbally shows tremendous maturity and self-control. The idea about your letter is very good also. If you have not written it yet, it may be a good idea to write a few rough drafts, think of anything you may be leaving out and then send it to yourself. Picture how he will react to it. If it seems right to you, by all means send it.

Always here to listen.

[mfh]

Dear Ron,

I am so sorry you had to go through this at such a tough time...sorting your mom's things. That in itself is so difficult to do and created a tense situation. I notice nowhere in all this has your brother addressed this or apologized nor did you mention any of your other siblings addressing this issue. Perhaps his rages have never been addressed by anyone in the family including him which is not uncommon. So your approach may be the start of something new. I honor your choice. I agree on a public place where he is less likely to be inappropriate. I wish you the best. Your brother clearly needs help and I hope ultimately he chooses to get it. I am sorry this is happening. Peace, Mary