Soul Mate Broke Up With Me After Father Passed

[haveFAITH]

Hello all,

I would just like to state that I came upon this discussion when I too was researching about the topic on google. All of this talk and advice has helped me so much because I am also going through the same thing, and have been feeling so alone because I feel as if no one understands what i'm dealing with.

I started dating a boy last year. We met as just friends, but there was a spark between us right from the very start. At the time he was dating his girlfriend of 2 years but having trouble with her because they failed to meet eye to eye. We spent a lot of time talking about how he can make things better with her, but the result turned out to be our relationship growing into something more instead. He ended up leaving her for me, and as well as that, his father had just gotten word that he had become free from cancer that he had been suffering with for about six months prior.

This time in both our lives, were so happy and carefree …because not only were we in “the high” of a new relationship, but also because he was carrying less weight on his shoulders from his father’s illness. We each fell in love with how easy our ability was to communicate with one another.

A few months later, his father had returned to the hospital to find that the cancer was back. The guy I was with became more and more distant from me, and I found that he instead was becoming closer to his ex girlfriend again.

His father passed away within a month. His girlfriend came back into the picture, and I did everything I could to back off, since I didn’t feel like it was my place to make any sort of demands. I made it my business to be supportive in going to both the wake and the funeral, not so much for him, but for me… because I felt as though this boy was a part of my life, and so this was a part of my life that I needed to experience as well.

Months later I got a call from him saying that he would like nothing more than to have me back in his life. We spent time together again as though we had never been apart. Everything resumed, and took off right from where it left off. Again, it was a dream. And I really felt as though he was it for me. I imagined myself marrying this man some day and living a life with him. And when he would be upset, I wanted to be the one to take care of him. Not today, but for every time he feels that way, because taking care of him makes me feel good. And when he takes care of me, I feel good.

When the first Christmas without his father came around, he began to withdraw again. The ex girlfriend managed to find her way back into the picture again, and although we speak from time to time, I don’t know where we stand. He has said that he has gone into a severe state of depression and cannot focus on anything else except the loss of his father. Although it hurts me to not be able to take care of him and make this better, there is nothing I wish for more. And that is all that I am able to focus on. It has been a few months and the last thing I had said to him was that I would be there, for him to call me, if he ever needs anything from me… but I haven’t heard. I am so afraid to lose him, not as a companion, but as a person. It hurts me to know that I could have the ability to save him, but I just don’t know how or what to do. I battle with the frustration of not being able to bring him back to shore.

When I speak to my girlfriends regarding the subject, they say things such as “Go out and live your life! Forget about him! Meet someone else!” …and I just become so angry thinking that, or hearing that –that I too have distanced myself from them and find myself feeling so alone in this.

I find myself waking up every morning, feeling the same as the day before, repeating everyday as if I am living on auto-pilot… just waiting for him to come back. Waiting for him to become himself again. I feel as though a year has passed, but at the same time, time is frozen, and everything is the same, and I don’t know what to do next?

Please advise me.

[kayc]

The worst thing you can do is "wait"...it's good to give it a set period of time for him to come around but then you need to focus on what's best for you...give it say two or three months, after that, you need to guard yourself so you don't continue in an unhealthy emotional state. Make plans, go out with friends, keep busy. The more you wait around for him it can cause him to feel pressure and view you as needy, not a favorable thing. If you work on yourself and keep busy, he will see you as healthy and happy and it can actually cause him to miss you. Whether or not he wants you or not, your being happy, healthy and whole is a good thing. I know it's not easy, believe me.

I'm sorry yet another person is going through this emotional turmoil and heartache. The best you can do right now is focus on yourself...keep busy, work on yourself, do what you need to do to protect yourself from emotional ups and downs or being hurt further. Right now he is focusing on himself, take his cue and focus on yourself. There is no shortcut through the pain but to go straight through it and eventually there is healing and it won't hurt so bad. We have to accept what is and sometimes that means we don't get what we want, but must respect their decisions and give them the space they need.

My fiance broke up with me when his mom was dying and although he never wanted to reconcile afterwards, we are friends and talk to each other almost daily. I have accepted this as I really had no choice and have concluded it is not in my best interest to marry someone that would break my heart and cut me asunder for any reason, but I do enjoy his company and still like him and care about him so have been able to continue our friendship.

Good luck to you! Keep coming and post, it helps.

[haveFAITH]

Thank you. And you're right, it really does help to know that there are other people out there who are going through the same thing. ...I appreciate your advice to move forward with my own life, but some days I feel guilty. I feel guilty being happy when I know that someone else that I love is in so much pain.

There was an example shown in another post of how the person suffering through grief has been hit with a wave and is now drowning, trying to make it to shore, and all I can do is sit on the sand and wait for them to find their way back. That, to me, is awful! To sit and watch, instead of going out there to bring them back?

I believe that you're right though. Me continuously trying to talk to him probably will give the message that I am being needy. It is not my intention to give that message, because I do in fact, do everything on my own, and have a lot going for me right now.. As far as education and work. I have developed new habits and new ways to keep myself busy.... I am always tired after a 9 hour work day, eat, sleep, and repeat. Its not like I'm waiting by the phone for him to call, but I just find it so hard to focus when I'm doing anything else, again ..because I feel guilty being happy. Atleast if I knew he was somehow happy too. Even if its without me... I wouldn't have that guilt of moving on..

He has told me recently that he's depressed, and so tired of being hurt. That he wanted to die so that he never had to experience the death of anyone else like this, ever again. And I'm scared! I don't want to contribute more to that "hurt" by moving on and leaving him behind. I don't want to regret not helping him if I could have, say if anything terrible were to happen to him??

This is emotional turmoil. And I really want to find my way through it.

I need help.

[mfh]

I believe that if two people are supposed to be together, nothing will keep them apart. I agree with others that you must enjoy your own life and not sit and wait. If he is supposed to be with you, he will show up. I speak from experience with a happy ending. I have seen couples who dated in high school, lost track of each other, married others and then divorced or became a widow/er and voila, they found each other again. Your name, have Faith, is right on. Mary