Missing Daddy

[merangel08]

It has been a while since my last post but I was coming to this site on a daily basis...knowing that I'm not the only one going through this helps somehow... I just couldn't write anything as I still find it hard to talk about my dad. I just got back from a weekend with my friends in the mountains. The first day was pretty hard as it was my first "official holidays" since last year. I was not driving and was sitting in the back seat, I tried hard to hold the tears back so my friend don't see me...didn't want to ruin their weekend. I couldn't, it was just too hard. The next days were ok. We went for walks , sat by the pool, it was very relaxing. On friday, I didn't think that I would enjoy the weekend but I did I still feel guilt sometimes when I try to enjoy myself, don't cry a lot but there are so many things I wish I could do by now like looking at pictures and talking about dad...I can't. Tomorrow is the 1 year mark. I was dreading this day but I hope it won't be unbearable. I feel like grief consumed all my energy and I'm only 24. I know that life should go on...somehow... and I'm doing my best to be the strong girl dad was so proud of.

[AnnieO]

We haven't "met' but I wanted to tell you that I am sure you are making your dad proud. Its been 4 years since my dad died and I still cannot look at pictures or watch videos ...I don't push myself to do that and I know someday I will be able to do that again. I am glad you were able to go with your friends and have fun, thats what your dad would want you to be doing.

[niamh]

hi meranhel08,

nothing at all wrong with you not being able to write, I read every single day too and sometimes I can't post, sometimes I don't have the energy or the words.

It will be 2 years for me this December, truth is I can't get my head around that, it feels like only yesterday I started posting on this site when it had only been a few months but now here I am one of those people who's so long into this but it feels like such a short time.

I'm glad to hear you enjoyed your time away with your friends, I still really struggle with enjoying anything. I do things with friends and it's "ok", "grand" but I feel like I could honestly take it or leave it, there's no real true joy, I just do it !

You're definitely not alone with the photos and talking about your Dad. I can't look at photos either. My Dad's brother gave me lots of photos last year which I was supposed to get duplicated, including ones of my Dad as a child which I had never seen. I haven't even been able to bring them in to be scanned, not to mind look at them. I keep saying every week that I'll do it at the weekend but the weekend comes I put it off to "next" weekend, still waiting for that weekend.

My Mom and I don't talk about Dad at all, we both find it too hard, I just choke up. It all stills feels to wrong for me to be talking about him in the past. Once in a while my Mom will mention something briefly and when I hear the words "before/after Dad died" I think my heart skips a beat, I hate that word, I can barely write it, I cannot use the word in conversation. If I am ever talking about how I feel I will use words like "since it happened" etc, I just cannot utter the real words. I can talk about the grief and the effects it has had on me but I can't get into specifics about my Dad. I can definitely write a little more about me & Dad that I can speak out loud.

I can't even think back myself and reminisce in my mind, it's too painful.

I did struggle a lot with the 1 year mark so I will be thinking of you tomorrow. I felt like I was losing my mind, felt very agitated that entire week. I know on that day I took some time out for myself, treated myself and just let myself feel whatever I was feeling. I plan on doing the same thing again in December for his second anniversary.

I know I'm not the happy go lucky person I used to be but I think my Dad is proud of me, for doing the best I can in this world without him and I bet your Dad is so proud of you too. You're best is all you can do.

sending you much love and ((HUGS))),

Niamh