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Missing My Mom With The Changing Season


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I have posted here before but kind of lost my way I guess. I was doing so well but with the coming of fall I feel as though my grief is back FULL FORCE. In my previous post I was upset that I never "felt" my Mom. Her promises of giving me a sign or knowing she was around never came. About 3 weeks ago I was riding in the car with my family after my 9 year olds football game. I was happy, smiling, laughing it was a good day. I looked out the window and out of nowhere I actually felt her. Her sweet fact just popped into my head and I felt a warmth inside. Hard to describe but it literally took my breathe away. It left me in tears. Although not 100% I have to hold on to the possibility that maybe she was reaching out in some way. I loved the feeling of her. I know our minds play tricks but she was not in my mind at the moment, she just popped in there. With fall here I have a sense of loss that I did not feel until now. I miss her like never before. I wish I could talk to her about work, my husband, the funny things my kids are doing. I understand (somewhat) the grieving process. I just don't know why it went from intense to calm, now it is intense again followed by such a deep sense of loss and lonliness. Does anyone else feel so completely different? I feel inadequate at work, as a mother, a wife? I try to fight it. I know how it broke my Moms heart to see me or my brothers cry. I try to be strong but she is so missed right now by so many. I hope I can feel better soon and have more control over myself. Closing my office door at work and crying cannot go on forever. Miss you Mom.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Susan,

Again - I totally understand. There was a couple of months there where I was OK - didn't cry everyday anymore - then a few weeks ago it hit hard. I feel like I am walk around in this fog of sadness. I had to quit my job - just couldn't do it anymore (was going to quit anyway because we moved out of state - but I had to quit sooner than I thought).

As far as the sign - believe it was her. I personally believe it was her. I have had a few signs off and on - most of my family has not - or at least they don't admit to having them. Accept the signs you are given - the warmth and love that you felt. It is easy to doubt them - I know I have in the past as well - but don't accept it for what it is.

I know for me fall and the holidays will be hard. My Grandmother lived for holidays - when all the family would come and visit - she would make a feast for us all - she lived for this time of year. She thought fall was beautiful, and she even thought winter was beautiful (but she didn't like the cold anymore) - I know for me I think this is one of the reasons this is getting harder.

Angel

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Hi Susan. I felt a total connection to your post. I am a mother also, and my grief often sneaks up on me, in the morning and evenings. I lost my father a month ago, to cancer. It was a difficult journey, and there are so many other issues, that were a part of his dying experiance. I am very enthralled by your understanding of a "sign" I think, I know what you mean, although, I must admit, that my faith is currently clouded by my anxiety, sadness, and anger.

I am so sorry for your loss, and I wish I had more to add, other than, I am right there with you.

M

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Thank you everyone for your replies. It is nice to come to this place and see I am not alone in this. I have wonderful family and friends but unless you are going through this it is difficult to understand. I will continue to fight through my emotions. My Mom always tried to "work" her way through a sad time. I wish for peace for all of you. With the holidays coming I am sure we will meet again on this board. Take care everyone.

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