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Five Years

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This is my first time here. This is the first time I have reached out at all. My mom died and six months to the day later, dad died. And grandmother two yeear before.This was five years ago. I am 43. Mom was sick for years. Mom almost died more times than I can count. I have literally spent at least two years in a hospital chair next to her. My life was those crazy old people. My mother and grandmother were my entire life. Not entire. I lived. I traveled the world. I was the life of any party. I was that person you wanted to know and always loved. I called you on your dogs birthday. We were a trio, my grandmother, my mother and me. We had no secrets and we told no lies. I was able to manage and function after grandmother died because I had mom. Then mom got really sick, kidney failure due to a childhood injury. She went on dyalisis. Mom was strong and lived this way for almost five years. Finally her heart gave out. And dad he just could not be without her.... well that is the romantic tale I tell myself.

I remember the day he went into the hospital and I prayed please not today. Now, I am an orphan. I have no one. I have no one to take care of, no one to take care of me, no one to call when I am sad or bursting with joy(not that it happens much). Still, something will happen and my first thought is I gotta call mom. and then I remember...

I went into a deep hole.

It has been over five years and I don't cry every day but I cannot connect with anyone. I function. I have a good job and am well respected but am perceived as "hardish". I have lost all but the very best friends and it is not because I try, it is because they do. I cannot find joy anymore not real joy. I have not traveled anywhere, my passport is expired. My desire to see the world and all its wonders and experience all its cultures, dried up.

I honestly thought when my mom died I would too. And the things my mental state did to my body, there were times when I thought I would. My anxiety attacks hospitalized me more than once.

I am "OK" now. But I cannot connect to anyone. I cannot truely love and cannot bring myself to put any effort into any kind of relationship. I have a boyfriend but if he left, honestly, not a big deal.

I used to have passion. I used to love passionately. I used to champion causes. Now I just exist. Nothing stirs me. I might as well be dead. I read over these words and there is no passion, no emotion, just the facts. How do I feel anything again? How do I feel anything except empty without them?

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Hello - I just replied to a post you posted to me! I am so sorry about your losses. Losing so many dear people in your life so close together is overwhelming. Your life has purpose. Your family would not want you to suffer and lose yourself. You have to find your way back somehow. Have you spoken to your doctor? I refuse to take medication but it does have some value. Especially if you have not pulled yourself back up after 5 years. You sound like the kind of person I am. I feel like I have lost my spark as well but it has only been since June that I lost my Mom. It sounds like you have some wonderful friends. As far as the boyfriend maybe he is not the right person to bring back love to your life. I'm sorry if I seem full of advice. I am a fixer and like to make people feel better and I know how bad this hurts. I have to make myself engage with friends, activities, etc. I am the same age as you ;) I hope this board helps you in your journey. I try and remember when I am feeling so low that one of the things that upset my Mom in life is when her kids were hurting, emotionally, physically, etc. She only wanted us to be happy. Fight your way through this. You have been at this longer than me. I lost my Dad and Grandparents as well so I understand that orphan feeling. Take care.

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