I Feel Responsible In Some Ways

[Susan Y]

Hello all, I have posted here many times and it was mostly about missing my Mom. I miss her more than ever but now have a new feeling that has came out of nowhere. I had a terrible nightmare early this morning. My Mother passed away in a hospital. I was looking for her in my dream at some hospital. I thought if I could find her I could save her. I had spoke to her in my dream although I don't remember what I said then I couldn't find her. My husband kept telling me in my dream that she had died but I didn't beleive him, I think I just kept looking for her. I finally found her in the hospital morgue. It was terrible, she was wearing her favorite red shirt. I know this sounds rather creepy and or odd. I had to share it with someone who may have had a crazy dream about a loved one. The details of when I saw her were so real although they were not pleasant details. I took care of my Mom for a long time and have always felt I did everything I could for her. Now I feel I should have done more and she would not have died. We were close so I have no regrets on telling her how much I loved her. I just wonder if I should have been more aggressive with her healthcare early on. Why on earth am I feeling this way now?? She has been gone since June 29th and this is a totally new feeling. I know dreams are just dreams but why all of the sudden I am feeling so upset thinking I could have done more is beyond me. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[DebFromLodi]

So sorry you are going through this. My mom has been gone for almost 4 years. After she died I was so happy that I had NO regrets. Then slowly I started wondering about different things. About a year before she died, the hospital called and said she was non responsive. We insisted they try to bring her back to us and they did with a blood transfusion. This time when they called and said she took a turn for the worse, we did not ask them to try to save her again. She was living in a convalescent hospital and not happy there. We all visited her daily, but it was not the same. They had her so drugged up and in a wheelchair, she was unable to walk. So I questioned myself about if we could have saved her if we had insisted. The first time around, it was a miracle for sure. The second time I don't think she would have come through. And if she had, she would still have to be in the convalescent hospital, cold all the time. Not able to walk or feed herself. But she was alive and now she is not. So many questions and so many regrets. Many doubts about our choices.

I just wanted you to know that what you are going through is quite normal. Sadly, I think we all wonder if we could have or should have done more. Our way of punishing ourselves I guess. Guilt's way of showing its ugly head.

Good luck to you in your healing journey. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are lucky in one way that I am not: i have never dreamed about my mom, that I can remember. My daughter dreams of her and holds conversations with her. My daughter realized, in her dreams, that my mom is dead and tells her how much she loves her. My mom tells her she loves her back. What a joy that would be. I cannot dream about her and I miss her so much.

[Susan Y]

Hello Deb, thank you for responding. I am so sorry about your Mom as well. Toward the end my Mom was much likes your Mom, wheelchair bound and did not feed herself. The sad part is that she was only this way for about a month before she died. I had her healthy and clear minded for months before that. I treasure those months and now see it was one last gift of time with her. I thought she was back to normal for good and really had NO idea that she would die ;( Just having them in our life was enough but we both need to realize both of our Mom's were in terribl shape. I hope you dream about your Mom soon. Maybe you have and just don't remember. Thank you again for your post.

[DebFromLodi]

Susan...thanks for writing back. This truly is a lonely journey we are on, but it helps to have friends like you. Thanks. The one thing my mom always asked of us was to never put her in a "home." We had no choice. my brother was taking care of her after surgery, at his house for a few months. She just was not getting any better and needed more care than he could give. I am sure he feels guilty about this too, but he should not. He stepped up and tried the best he could. He took her to his house after her first knee replacement surgery and within two weeks, she was back at home perfectly fine. This time, she was just too old and frail but she was in so much pain. I remmeber the morning we took her for surgery. She was so happy and looking forward to being pain free. Little did any of us know how it would end. I miss her with every thing in me. She was my life and my first love and she taught me so much. I wish....i wish so many things. Just one more day with her and I could tell her everything I wanted to tell her. She knew, but I would love to hear her beautiful voice again. If we could only have one "do over" in life I would never have let her have that surgery. I would have moved her in with me and tried everything possible to get rid of the pain for her, but too late now and my heart is breaking with missing her.

Sorry I wrote so much. I pray you find your peace and heal with time. Thanks for listening and sharing.

[Susan Y]

Hello Deb. I have been away from the board for awhile. Funny thing is that my guilt and wondering if I could have done more has faded. It is once again replaced by such longing for her sweet face ;( I would love to pick up the phone and call her. I tried to search for old voice mail messages from her but they were all deleted. Above all, I still have that "I can't believe she is gone" feeling. The holidays were very hard. It is my first holidays without her. I hope you are doing well and got through the holidays ok. I love this board but sometimes it makes me think a little too much!! Take care.