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Music Touches The Soul


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I just returned from a performance of Handel's Messiah performed by 90 local singers, 7 musicians in the orchestra and 4 local soloists (2 of the just 19 years old). I had been invited to sing in this in September when they began rehearsing but knew I would not be able to emotionally as classical music taps right into my soul where all my tears are kept. It felt like it would just be too hard. So I attended today with a friend who lost her 21 year old daughter about 5 years ago.... My tears began to flow when the chorus processed in and stopped when they processed out. The conductor is a friend who has created these performances for 30 years-all fund raisers for a local or not so local worthy cause. This was her final production as her hearing no longer allows the excellence she chooses to create. The two kids (soloists) are UW students from here who are vocal majors who will both sing opera someday and already do on campus. I love them both. Bill and I watched the young man since he was 10 years old and was an incredible boy soprano. Now he is a great tenor with great stage presence. The gal since she was 10 also....extremely talented.

Though the tears fell throughout, I fell apart with the Hallelujah chorus....of course we all stand for that as tradition demands and it is the final piece....I sing Hallelujah because I have been gifted with an incredible relationship with a kind, sensitive man and because he is now enjoying some kind of bliss that I can not comprehend....and because I will see him again in that bliss. The tears....well...even if he was here we would have cried together...we cried a lot with lovely music...but today they were also the tears of my pain, loss, loneliness and sadness. Life is bittersweet and classical music just touches me so deeply. It was nice to be there with someone who understood. We reached out to each other with the Hallelujah chorus. By the way, she reports that since her daughter died, she and her husband's bedroom closet light goes on all the time sporadically....when she went to Spain...it went on there. When she went to Ireland...it went on there. Need I say more?



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Saw this on Transcending Loss on Facebook....says it all:

Grief is the most arduous, exhausting, gutwrenching, heartbreaking emotional work that you will most likely ever do. It takes so much energy. Know that you are strong as you cry, as you wail, as you collapse from the weight of the sorrow. Know you are strong as you face your feelings and hold onto the love that whispers through your soul. Although you don't feel brave, know that you are courageous and strong in your brokenness.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well, last night I drove about 90 min to the Sinsinawa Dominican Motherhouse with a friend...because they were holding an Advent liturgy comprised mostly of Taize chant. Bill and I used to do this because we love chant. Neither of us are church goers though we each come from a religious background. There are pieces of my past that I still cherish. Here are two samples. Chant resonates with our highest chakras, i.e. our levels of conscientiousness, and uplifts our spirits. I hope I do not offend anyone by posting something religious but chant is a universal form of prayer. For obvious reasons I sat in tears but was able to sing a lot of it. Listen and you will know why. I took home the candle we each lit because I lit mine for Bill.

Tonight I attended our charter school Christmas deal because a close friend is the principal, a soul sister and I wanted to support her...I drove home wailing....could not handle families, happy, singing, Christmas, could not take it. These are difficult days. If I stay home it is hard and if I go something it is hard.

Tomorrow night is a solstice event and dinner with friends at the host's house. I will take my drum and Bill's drum and we shall drum around a fire in the woods and talk and eat chicken chili. Three people at this event are in great pain and we all know that about each other. It will be ok I guess. Friday, my brother arrives for 5 days. He has no clue what to say to me. Asks how I am and when I am honest...he changes the subject. He is caring and loving and just has not a clue. He is a priest...no experience with intimacy...though a good man who people adore. It will be tough. I have approached this with him several times and finally decided it is to no avail.

January, wherefore art thou???? Come quickly...these days are a challenge.

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